End of Summer and Start of 5th and 8th Grade (Part 1)

I always look back to see what I posted last before writing a new one....and I just noticed I didn't write a post in July! I didn't even realize it so that clearly means it's been a busy summer and start to school. Lots to share so I'll likely divide and conquer.

Last I left off we had just kicked off summer and the remodel. My daughter had gotten home from sleep away camp, my son was going to start therapy, and the next adventure was basketball camps and heading on trip to the midwest. 

Therapy. I did end up starting my son into therapy. As I mentioned I had researched and was referred to this lady from another therapist. You never really know what you will get until you try working with someone. And very quickly, for me within the first session, I can gauge whether they may be a fit. In short, I was impressed. My son did not want to go, of course. He felt a bit like it was a punishment. And, his view of therapists were that they were creepy and they wanted to know your life's details. He also did not want to go in by himself and that honestly was the best thing that happened by accident because with both of us in there, she not only helped my son, she helped me in parenting as well in just a few sessions. 

The main thing she pointed out, which I knew, but didn't really connect the dots....is that my kids' needs are polar opposite. My son needs constant connection, my daughter needs alone time to reboot. Sounds simple, but the connection is a lot of their constant fighting and arguing was my son was feeling sad and hurt that my daughter was constantly telling him to go away, not playing games with him etc, so he would lash out and provoke her. He didn't really know how to communicate his feelings. My girl retreats and gives herself time to reset, but she didn't know how to tell him in such a way that he didn't take it personally. The therapist was saying there can be a way where both kids get their needs met. SO.....I tried to not share with my girl anything from session that would break his trust, but I did tell her what we learned....i.e. what I said above that he misses her and really does want to spend time with her. That really cracked something open in her because she had no idea that what he really wanted was her time and attention. And, that he was sad she didn't want to play with him. My mistake in this was when I was telling her this I got a bit teary (I felt sad for the both of them)....so with her anxieties she started to feel guilty like she was doing something wrong. I nipped that in the bud by reassuring her that a) both of their needs are different b) both of them are equally as important. Her response was initially to go the other direction and start playing a ton with him and I had to remind her that no, that wasn't the point. She should play only if she wants to play. It's ok to step away and recharge because that's what she needs.

Even though the interchange was a bit bumpy, it was almost like magic dust was sprinkled in our house. They truly started to interact and play and get along like they hadn't in a long time. They stopped bickering and arguing and somehow started to enjoy each other's company. I can't tell you how peaceful that was. Has it fixed everything? No, of course not....but it gave us a pause to reflect and consider something different. Has my son's anger issues been resolved, of course not, but he's learning ways to manage and express himself differently. We've gone I think 3 sessions due to summer schedules, and haven't figured out a school schedule yet. I also would like to get my daughter started with her as well. Time and money well spent thus far.

Back to our summer adventures...on to the trip. In summary, the whole trip was great! We've never taken a trip that long (July 1-9) and I'm pleased to say it was not too long and just long enough--by the end we were ready to head home. First, we stayed at my sister's, my brother came over--we had lots of activities. Went to the library, saw my sister's new office, played at the waterpark, visited a D.airy Farm....even though I grew up there I had never been to one. It was an amazing experience--took the tour of the operations, we got to bottle feed a baby calf, my daughter and sister milked a cow, we pet/fed Kang.aroos, we all made butter, tasted cheese and ice cream from their farm milk. It really was so cool. But a) it was 90+ degrees and b) the smells were intolerable. A few times I truly felt sick. I will never say never, but being a farmer's wife is not in my future. We also visited my 4th grade teacher I've stayed in touch with over the years--she's 91! She still stays at her farm over the summer and it's so good for all of us because my kids are not around elderly people and there' so much to learn. Also, running around on a farm (with no animals), who doesn't want to do that? A funny story at my sister's is that my kids really do like animals...my sister has 3 cats. My son kept trying to be friends with them all, but for some reason G.i.Gi a big tortoise cat kept trying to attack him. He kept saying he had to "run for his life" whenever she was around. Poor kid. At least he got snuggles from Mill.ie, an 18 year old, senile friendly one.

Then, we headed in Big R.ed to my cousin's about 4 hours away. This full.size pick up truck was one of the highlights of the trip, ironically. We had rented a car, but it was filthy so we traded it in for the only one she had left that could go one way. Get out of the way.....this big girl was on the road. The kids had so much fun because we felt like bosses....and I let them get in the back when we were in my sister's neighborhood and every time we came back they'd beg for another ride. Such good memories.

We made the 4 hour trek to the neighboring state to visit my cousin. I've talked about her over the years, we've stayed in touch. We talk about 1-2 times a month. She's got 5 kids so in early years, she was on the hamster wheel and we didn't connect as much. But 2 years ago she got divorced, two of her boys are in college, and it's been a pleasant change for me because she actually has time now to really talk and be more open about what's really going on. Not just say everything's fine, but she's struggling underneath it all. It's great because her 5th child was born just 3 months before my son, so same age. Her 4th child is a girl, but she's 15, a few years older than my girl. Again, a really good time.....even though it had been 7 years since I spent time with her (with the exception of last October for my uncle's passing), we picked up where we left off and it wasn't awkward. At first, the kids were a bit shy around each other, but after several hours together, the boys hit it off and didn't stop playing the whole time....they are very similar go go go kind of kids, love sports...match made. My daughter however, didn't make that same connection because her girl is very quiet and shy--also hard to engage with....so my girl tried, and they did talk some, but it wasn't easy. We also had plenty of activities of going to a lake/quarry, local swimming pool, movie night in, and crafting with pony beads. That part of the trip was the 6-9th and then......just like that, headed to the airport....with my son already asking when we can visit again.

Picture from flight home: This is truly one of my favorite pictures of the whole trip....my girl gets very nervous flying....so my son, on his own, held out his hand to her.....and she took it. Just melt my heart.

Once we were home we had about a month left of summer....we had planned that very next week in July to also visit my good friend I've stayed in touch with since grad school (almost 25 years now) in Dal.las. She's also the one who graciously took the puppy we adopted when I was losing my mind with her. It's been a few years now so the kids said they were fine to go see her. Unfortunately we had to delay the trip a few weeks because all heck broke loose at home...my car literally broke down and it was in different shops--without a car for a week. At the same time my main waterline broke at the curb, AND, my washing machine broke down. AND, the remodel had some major hiccups, one which resulted in us going to a hotel for a night.

It was a lot. But, we quickly had to turn our attention to start preparing for school.

Part 2 to come.......

Progress

The remodel has officially begun!  They officially started June 6 with removing insulation, then June 10th demo started.  Here are some pictures of progress

The Beast

BEFORE

STEP 1 DEMO and put up TEMORARY WALLS

STEP 2 DEMO FIREPLACE, INSTALL BEAM, REMOVE ONE SET OF TEMP WALL

STEP 3 REMOVE SECOND TEMPORARY WALL

Now we just need to drywall and build it back together.

So far it really hasn't been that bad. Now, we are only 9 days in and I'm sure I'll change my mind....but we made a makeshift kitchen up front in our previous formal dining/living room. That took a while to cull through all the crap that came out of the kitchen and decide where things will go. The 2 best things thus far are 1: I was able to switch out a longer waterline for the fridge to reach around the corner. That made it so we can still have water/ice from the fridge! That is amazing since we use ice all day and to have a water source near the makeshift kitchen is great. YAY ME! I didn't think I could change out the waterline but I did it all by myself!!  2: since everything is up front it is so nice to be able to use the same table to prepare our meals then eat them there. Before we cooked in the kitchen, then drug all the stuff around the corner to the dining room because we didn't have an eat in kitchen.  It just makes it so much more efficient. And, when we get our new big island put in, we'll be able to do that there.

The downside thus far is not having a dishwasher. It's been an adjustment going back to handwashing everything. With our dishwasher we got pretty lazy. We'd simply rinse dishes, put them in the sink....then do dishes when I felt like it.  Not possible now. I've had to teach the kids how to handwash dishes and my daughter has definitely been resistant. We set it up so everyone chose one set of dishes, then my son wrote everyone's name on them with a permanent marker. So they have to get washed. It's also nice to see exactly who is leaving dishes around. Also, another downside is I still don't have a kitchen design. I've worked with this designer for years, but he's very reactionary and does one thing at a time. Pick counters, then appliances, then paint color, then backsplash, etc.. one step at at time. That process was overwhelming me so I asked him to pull together a full design (like you see them do on tv). I waited 3 weeks for it and he showed up with 2 pictures of cabinet door designs, and two pictures of slab possibilities. That was it. AND, he went to the slab and cabinet place right before he came to my house.  The thing is, he is good at design and the end result is amazing. It's just his process is very very frustrating. But, that's why I put up with his lack of followup and lack of being proactive. I've also been researching like crazy going to induction cooktop. I'm obsessing over the decision. I've lived with an electric coil stovetop and it's terrible. So, I bought a single unit induction to try it out and had to buy a new pan to use it, but it seems to be ok. I'm very very sensitive to noises so not sure I'm in love w/it. Researching (obsessing) like crazy counter slabs--the material, the look. We've been to 5 slab yards and I've gone looking probably 8-9 times already. Haven't found "the one". And it's bloody hot out, they are not air conditioned warehouses. I can't tell you the amount of hours I've spent researching counter material, island desings, induction/gas cooktops...it's a lot. I'm kinda driving myself crazy about it all.

The good thing about all of it is I'm not emotional about the changes thus far...I'm going w/ the flow and that feels good. I'm not having anxiety about the fireplace being gone. That is good. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about it never being the same. I've thought about this remodel for 2 years before finally making the decision. Making big decisions are not my strong suit.

So overall I'd say things with the remodel are going well. I'm going to just assume that continues.

On the other side, since school has been let out and my daughter came back from her first sleep away camp (she loved it, I didn't love the lack of communication-she even took the watch, just never texted), my two kids have been bickering, arguing, and provoking each other non stop. It's been a lot. So much so that just yesterday my son's volcano erupted and it wasn't good. I've known for awhile that he has anger management issues, but deep down I was just hoping they'd go away. Wrong, they haven't. He's had 3 incidents now against others--including his sister--that were just too much. It's time to do something. So, after going through the emotional mess yesterday of all 3 of us.....I scheduled him for a therapy appointment starting today. The good news is I had been researching therapists for my daughter months ago. I never got started so ironically just day before last I had reached out to her to schedule for my daughter. But then my son's issues have flared so much I actually switched it and decided to start with him. I haven't met this therapist and I'm just going on blind luck that she is a good fit for our family. Likely I'll need to bring my daughter at some point too because her anxieties have really been rough. After being able to observe her more, I'm realizing that the more busy she is, the less time she has to think about things and functions so much better....but with lack of a school schedule and not being extremely busy, she's become very irritable, ups and downs with energy, really craving sugar, and just generally not pleasant.

So with the two of them, it's been a lot. I'm am so so thankful I am not working in corporate america right now because I have the ability to do the remodel, have the kids home for summer, and simultaneously manage all the problems that arise. Some good news is that I'm actually feeling better with my new medication. Taking naps is always my indicator of how I'm feeling....and since starting this new one, I've maybe had 2 ish naps in the last month. That's really good. I'm also feeling a bit more energetic and have been able to rise to the challenge of preparing the house and the kitchen for the remodel. It was way more preparation than I even expected. Not prepared at all for the massive amount of stuff/crap that was stored in the kitchen. Overall, I feel pretty good and am not dragging through the day living on diet coke.

We are in the middle of vacation bible school now, next week is basketball camps, then the week after we fly to the midwest to visit my sister/brother and then drive to see our cousins from July 1-9. My kids haven't been there for 7 years, so I'm excited for them to hang out with family. It will be different since my uncle passed away, but I'm looking forward to connecting with my cousin who I talk to regularly with the 5 kids. Here, we have no family...but we do have our chosen family.

Here's to hoping for good days to come.

Last Day of School--4th and 7th Grade

And just like that it's the last day of school! I can believe it, then I can't.  When I think back over this school year it was just crazy busy and chaotic at times. I think the biggest difference was that my girl was old enough to play school sports (cross country and basketball)  and that added daily practices or games, plus my son's soccer and basketball made it truly nuts at times.  I even carpooled for a lot of things, but that doesn't lessen the load of all the scheduling it takes to make it all happen. Not to mention Dr. appts, ortho, playing w/ friends, birthday parties, etc.. It's the life of not so young kids, but not old enough where they are independent. They still need supervision, and my son especially. Lots of it. I do ease up and allow them to go to the park by themselves, go biking on their own, etc. if they wear the watch. It helps in many cases to track and call as needed. I think about how this would all be if I was working my corporate job and I shudder. That's a lot of pressure on one human.

I think they have grown in many ways...not just physical.  My daughter is at least 5'6", probably closing in on 5'7"...she's changing from a straight stick to having some curves in her thighs, etc.. She's added probably 10 pounds this year, and it just makes her look more mature. She still wears a 14/16 in kids clothes depending OR an adult XS. Her legs go on for days, but we don't have to worry about finding things to fit because she still wears only leggings for pants, and her adidas black shorts, mostly. Her style is definitely athletic. shorts and tshirts she got from school are her main wardrobe. I did convince her to get a new sundress she could wear for her banquet w/ theater and awards at school. She got an award for High Honor Roll! I had no idea! I am super proud of all that she accomplishes w/ her school work load and all of her extra curriculars. She's managing it really well and I hardly intervene w/ schoolwork. Only to really ask hey, got an email about X test, are you ready?  Yup is what I always hear. 

My summary of her personality is she's witty, introverted, quiet (at times) but she can "turn it on" when friends are around and chat it up w /the best of them. She's very social when around people, lots of energy, etc. but when she's at home she recharges her battery. She is a bit of a homebody and is content to stay home or play close to home. She rarely asks to go anywhere/shopping, etc..  She can also be independent and will play by herself in her room w/ legos, etc. She has good energy vibes with kids and animals--she saves bugs when they need help, she's also determined and a bit stubborn. She needs to learn things through school of hard knocks. She got a really long scar on her hand now from climbing over a fence I specifically asked her not to. She carries anxiety, of course, which does affect her like worrying/not wanting to let people down so she can overdo it, but she's learning to manage it. I also think she can be serious...you don't find her laughing all the time unless it's outrageously funny. She's been like that since she was a baby. She's not cuddly, but she does want affection on her terms. She is very generous w/ her thank you's to me. She says she loves me daily. I guess she's more free w/ her verbal affection. She also affirms me a lot and says I'm doing a good job.  I appreciate that so much and I think I'm lucky to hear it. She's also very artsy and loves crafts.  I'm proud of how she acts outside of the house because our neighbors compliment how great she is....in fact she went down to the 4 boys's house and went swimming. The mama texted and said I can send my kids anytime because they were wonderful. That's good to hear and makes me think I'm doing something right! The kids really like her because when she goes out in the cul-de-sac the 4 boys down the street and the 3 grandkids across all run towards her yelling her name. Give her hugs, say they love her. It really is so sweet. In fact, the mom w/ the 4 boys asked if she'd be interested in doing some "mother's helper" and get paid this summer. I think it would be great because she's good at leading activities w/ them like chalk, painting, etc.. We don't always connect and I think have different personalities, but I think we are learning to appreciate our differences.

My son. Dear lord I've created a mini-me in so many ways. To start off, he looks just like me and his personality is very similar. He hasn't hit his growth spurt so he is about 5' tall and very athletic. He's thick--not fat, but just very strong. His legs, especially--which makes him great at soccer. He's obsessed with soccer. Would play it year round if I let him. He loves games of any kind--uno, war, battleship, etc.. the competition is what pulls him in. I was competitive too, but he takes it to another level. He is in perpetual motion....he like to be doing something all the time, makes noise all the time. He is very very persistent when he wants something....I'll have to tell him to stop being a mosquito. For example, he wanted dairy queen. I said no. He spent the next two hours trying all the tricks he had--using humor, drawing pictures, repeatedly asking, getting irritated when I didn't change my mind, etc..he doesn't give up easily. That determination will serve him in the future, however it is not the easiest to parent. He doesn't like to play alone, always wants to play with someone. He has a hard time entertaining himself and always has. He is very affectionate, still sits w/ me most evenings in the rocking chair. He very easily gives hugs, even at school! He is really good at verbalizing his thoughts and emotions....he can be very descriptive. He's very social.  He is also sweet and tender when you catch him at the right time. He loves his mama. He constantly provokes his sister.

The two of them look so different and have such different personalities. It keeps me on my toes parenting, that's for dang sure.

We are going to have a full summer ahead....we are finally finally starting the remodel in the kitchen. It's been months and months of planning...potentially adding a bonus room but deciding it was too costly. So, going to re-do the kitchen and either sand or replace the main living flooring. Then refurnish. It's about time. Likely they will start June 2. I've got all the camps lined up similar to last summer....the ones through the school were the ones where you had to sign up w/in seconds or they were gone. It's just strange I know school is out, my son is up front on the couch, but it just feels like any other day after school. I think having them home full time will remind me very quickly.  My girl heads to her first camp first week in June. First time going to a sleep away camp. I'm still nervous about it, but im sure it will be a great experience for her.

And me....It's not lost on me that I wrote about everything and everyone else besides me.  I've struggled a bit over the last few months w/ the new medication my Dr. gave me so we are trying another one. It's been a few years of trials now and it's not an easy process. A few I can cross off the list for sure. I would just like to have more energy and want to do more things. I've always been better w/ having deadlines, that pushes me into action. But, when I don't....then I just don't.  One thing that is an indicator of how I'm feeling is if I'm napping during the day.  My exhale time is in the morning when both kids are off to school and I can just fully exhale.  If I'm not feeling the best I would then take a nap. It doesn't usually make me feel better, but if I'm doing it more often, I know I need to make some changes. 

Something I've been mulling over is what's next for me?? Like, what are my new goals at this stage of my life?? I always had something I've been working towards like highschool, college, grad school, career, having a family, owning homes, etc..and now it's like....now what?? My mini projects have kept my mind going ie. planning and researching about the remodel. It's kept me active and working towards something for a few years....I also still do billing work w/ my sister which mentally is good for me, and good for her. I keep saying after the remodel I'll go back to work....and since it's been a drawn out process, that date keeps getting pushed out farther and farther. My ideal is that I get back into working out in a gym regularly. Although this summer it will be chaos. We won't have a kitchen most of the summer, construction/framing since they will be taking down the fireplace. We are going to travel for 9 days to the midwest to see my brother/sister and then drive to see our cousins....but we are just going to live through it. It's a bit ironic that I've never lived in a place during a remodel.....as much remodeling as I've done over the years. 

Here's to the start of a great summer!

My Mother's Day menu my son created.
He also made banana bread all by himself.
I took them up on the No Fight day and it was amazing.

Parenting

So yeah...we are already heading into summer here. Temps are on the rise, we no longer are seeing 60's in the morning..it's 70's+ and afternoons are 80's+ w/ humidity on its way. Summer is a comin'. We have approximately a month left before school is out and wow. Just wow.

This week has been a bit of a downer as I caught my son's bug/virus of sore throat, congestion, etc. last Saturday (going on 5 days now), but it seems when I get it from them my symptoms are 10 times worse. I've been on my bed/couch for about 3 days w/ achy, etc..and I just have to force myself to sit upright and get up. The more the crap rolls around in my head the worse I feel. So yesterday I folded the huge stack of laundry that was clean in the toy room and I did a load of dishes. That about did me in, so I was happy I at least did that. I also was scheduled to pick up the girls from theater at 5:45 so did that too along w/ pick up pizza. I'm sure I could have called Selina's mom and said I wasn't feeling well could she do, but...well, I didn't. Tonight it's my turn for soccer carpool so we'll see how that goes...maybe sitting outside (albeit hot and humid) will do me some good. The Last thing I want to do is cook so we had chicken salads and pizza. I've been working hard on not eating out as much and I do think it's better for all of us....but right now I just don't care. take out it is.

We are rounding out 4th grade for my son and 7th grade for my girl and I'm proud (and glad) to say they both have had really good school years...socially and academically. My girl was inducted into the national honor society and both have been keeping A's. Emotionally is always a bit tricky because we have had a few hiccups. I'd say overall, my son is doing "better" w/ managing his emotions...it's been slow progress...but it's not always smooth sailing...a few months back I have no idea what got into him but at soccer practice he was getting madder and madder during warm ups at his friend Aarav. Aarav wasn't doing what the coach said to do....and I could see the look on my son's face--he was seeing red. He was running back from mid-field and ran right up to Aarav and full-force pushed him down to the ground from behind. I jumped up so fast, I couldn't believe he had done that! I ran over and yanked him away from the group...said what in the he%$ are you doing?! I've never seen him lash out like that in anger and I was pretty shocked. In the moment I told him that was absolutely out of line, uncalled for, and he needed to go apologize. THEN, afterwards and many days after it was a lot of conversation about what he can do instead--walk away, etc..--telling him about what consequences he can face if lashes out like that i.e. he won't be able to play w/ his friends. Their moms won't want him around, etc.. After some time he finally started thinking through, oh crap, that won't be a good situation--Aarav's mom was already upset about the whole Ata situation and the soccer slide tackle debacle. She told me she was worried my son might hurt Aarav...and at the time I was like no way, and frankly was a bit offended. Guess who had to eat their words? I debated on whether I should tell her what happened, then decided to let it go....if Aarav told his mom and she reached out, I would tell her I thought I handled the situation. I never did hear from her, so I'm just going to let sleeping dogs lie. Truthfully, I think my son has anxiety underneath his outbursts....I've thought this for awhile. This was the worst example he's ever had and that I've ever seen....and I'm hoping nothing like this happens again. Therapy likely would be good for him, but I haven't prioritized it like I probably should.

I won't even get into the challenges of finding a good therapist that's reasonably priced....I had gotten a few referrals and have one we may try. But, I think it makes more sense to start w/ my girl. She definitely could use an outlet to help work on some things related to her severe anxiety. I've mentioned she struggles at times, and with me in particular. I don't know why but at times when I ask her a benign question she makes something up. For example, hey did you drain the tub? Yes, she says....and I walk in there and well, no she didn't. It's little things like that where I'm like, why is it so hard to just say the truth? She has this anxiety about getting in trouble, but the funny thing is, I'm not a strict parent. I don't lash out, take things away, etc. I've learned over the years approaching any of these situations calmly is the best thing...so I took her to lunch not long ago and I asked her, babe, is there something I'm doing, is there a way I can say things to make you feel more comfortable, etc.. and she said no, it's not me. It's how she feels. This is very sad for me.....and greatly affects our relationship. I can't always trust what she's saying AND trust is a core value of mine. And It doesn't seem like I can fix it no matter what I've tried.....we've tried positive reinforcement like she earns a shoulder rub if she tells the truth....or there are no consequences if she tells the truth.  However, I'll say there's been slight improvement in that when I hear something I know isn't true I'll say hey babe, is that really how it is? and she will very quickly say actually no. In the past, she would draw the line and not move off of it no matter what. So in a way, that's some improvement. But, it's hard for me not to take that personally.... I don't understand her some of the times and deep down I do think and worry it's me, somehow. Because I asked her if she does this w/ others and she says no. Maybe she does too, but I don't know.

We are also on the cusp of teenager-dom and I know things will likely get worse. She's never been a cuddly child (unless she is the one to initiate)....and it's like she's a different kid w/ her friends. She's so talkative and energetic. We'll be driving and it will be silent....then when we pick up a friend she turns into a chatterbox. I've asked her why it's different when she's at home and why she and I don't have conversations like that other than hey, did you brush your teeth, etc..and she said she has a social battery and uses it at school. then when she's home, its gone. Fair enough...I can understand that. Although there's a part of me that's like wait a minute, I've put in all this work raising you, giving you a safe space, comforting you, etc.. and I get what's leftover after you've poured into your friends. I know that's how kids are, but it's very noticeable right now. She's leaning more on her friends. In fact, this was very apparent when her friend Parker's brother recently passed away....he was 10 and was born w/ a genetic condition...lots of health struggles his whole life. We were at the funeral, she was just sobbing...a lot to deal w/ for a 12 year old. She had spent a lot of time w/ him while at Parker's house, so it was a loss. She was just so sad and I tried to hug her, rub her back, etc....she let me a few times, but pushed me away a few times. Then, she was hugging w/ her friends. On the ride home I mentioned that I wasn't sure what she needed from me, etc ...and she said she felt more comfortable hugging on her friends. Oh wow that hurt. She was honest, and I can't fault her for that....but wow. That really really hurt. I really feel like there's always been this something....I feel like she often kind of keeps me emotionally at arm's length. I don't know if that's due to anxiety, her age, her personality, or some combination of all of it. I still keep extending the arms for hugs and I love yous, I try to stay calm....I try to teach. I know I made a lot of mistakes in the past, what parent doesn't....but I hope she knows that I am here for her always, no matter what. I am her advocate, a strong force that will fight for her.....and give what I have to make sure she knows she's loved. Maybe I need to tuck her in again at night more...that's been one of the few times that she seems to be more open to talking about 'real' feelings and things going on....and at this age, keeping that line of communication open, no matter how it is done...is so important. I will say that the lunch we had earlier I thoroughly enjoyed....we talked about how she's feeling, she asked me questions too, etc.. and it was one of the best conversations we've had in a long time. It was a real conversation. Maybe that's another thing, I can take her, just she and I, on lunch dates to give us that space as well.

I've said this before.....my kids are challenging. There's the basics of cooking, cleaning, shuttling them from one place to the next....I guess the physical part of parenting. Then there's all the rest of the stuff...the emotions, the feelings, the growth, the changes....I'm finding that part equally as hard as the physical. Maybe even more so--and I just wasn't expecting that. And the older they get the more that part expands. New things, new relationships, new challenges, new problems....I think overall, all I can do is the best I can do. I love these kids. I want good relationships with them. I want us to enjoy each other. That's what I strive for.

And, in the meantime I'll cry whenever I get rid of things from their childhood....like finally clearing out a craft space drawer that still held the color wonder book and markers they don't use anymore. A new family down the street w/ 4 boys 6 and under definitely could use that more than we can. And as I put it in a bag to send down there, I cried remembering my girl about 18 months with her curls starting to sprout everywhere--sitting on my bed coloring w/ them and being amazed at the picture she was making.

If anyone has any advice on parenting kids these ages, I'm all for it. The blogs I still read I think our kiddos are similar ages, so I read through your adventures as well. It helps to know we are on similar paths.

Memories and Spring Break '25

This always seems to happen....whenever I open an old photo album or a trunk or a folder with something from long ago, I just get flooded with so many emotions. I suppose that's normal, but I'm still surprised at the intensity of my feelings.

This morning I was preparing for our cleaning lady to come (yes I still have her/her husband--they do a great/consistent job, and have done so for many years. I don't want to deep clean my house, so it's something I'm willing to pay for. Side note-they are from Brazil, and she got her citizenship a few months back, and her husband just got his. So happy for them). 

Anyway, I was in my room and pulled out a photo album from when I was in graduate school--in 2000--25 years ago. It seems unreal that it's been that long. I was struck by so many things looking through it....

1) I absolutely positively LOVED school. The experience I had at graduate school was phenomenal. I loved the campus, my new friends, learning, growing, thinking about the future, etc. I saw a bunch of photos of our get togethers at each others' apartments, etc and that is SO my vibe. Small group setting, close group of like-minded people....no responsibilities other than getting to class and the campus job and playing club volleyball for the school. Really great time in my life, I remember it very fondly.

2) I look so vibrant. Energetic. My smile is so big an all the photos. You can almost see the energy coming through the photos--the excitement about the future and its possibilities. Yes, of course I was younger (25), but it's not until you look back and see just how much I've changed. Physically, as I'm 50 now, but emotionally and mentally as well. If I could have an ounce of the energy I just "had".  Today I live on broken sleep and diet coke. I have since 2008 after my mom passed, and even more so after 2012 when I started having my children. I think pre-2008 was the last time I had a full night's natural sleep. 

3) I was really pretty in those photos. I didn't feel pretty back then. I was always comparing myself to others and was in my head about thinking I'm not skinny enough, my hair wasn't long/full enough, etc.. That was still the time when terribly skinny was "in", and I was never built that way. I was healthy, athletic, strong and fit. I looked GOOD. When I look at those photos I wish I could give her the confidence I have now. I don't spend time comparing myself anymore...(age and wisdom has made me realize it's such a waste of mental energy--and all of youthful glow eventually fades, sags, wrinkles, and droops anyway)  But I'd tell her how beautiful she is. And would want her to BELIEVE it. 

4) It's a life that doesn't exist anymore. I came across photos of being in the house we grew up in (which my Dad sold a few years after my mom died), at christmas with my mom/dad (who are both passed away), with my one sister who is estranged (that I don't hardly communicate with other than maybe mailing a christmas card, and her children (2 nieces and 1 nephew) that I don't have any kind of communication or relationship with either. There's good reason....my sister married a bad man who was/is an alcoholic, never worked, smoked, was a terrible parent. He was terrible towards my mother, even though she spent a lot of time trying to put some good/positive in those kids' lives. As a result, the 3 kids have made poor choices in their lives, continued the cycle, trouble w/ the law, etc.. I don't need any of that in my or my kids' lives. The family I grew up with kind of disintegrated when my mom passed in 2008. As I was processing this, this is where all of my sad emotions started bubbling up.....I don't even have a foot in my old "life" because it's just not there. There's no ability to "go home"--to a place or with family from the first 25-30 years of my life. It was my whole world, and one that just isn't anymore. I didn't want to think too deeply about it because I would cry....and the cleaning lady was about to come. On the positive side, I do still talk to my other sister (although that has it's own challenges), and my brother every now and then. Opening that photo album made me think of him and text him. Although we just aren't that close. He's never been down to visit us here, though--we've lived in this house almost 10 years. I only see him if I go up to visit my sister in the midwest. He lives about 1 hr from her.

5) Looking through that photo album made me sad. Like my soul sad. Now that I have a minute to myself (the cleaners have left and my son hasn't come home from school) I'm allowing myself that space to feel it and just let the tears flow. I miss the safety of home. I miss my mom so much it hurts. I miss her unconditional love and that connection on a soul level. I'm sad that looking at old photos made me sad. I want to be able to look back and feel joy and love and happiness. But here I sit crying. I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself or too upset about being upset.  There is a lot of loss there, and it's okay to feel sad about it.

6) It's made me think about wanting to get back some of that strength and energy. I think about how I felt back then and yeah, it's very different from now--where these days I spend a lot of time dragging, being tired, and taking naps. I do think I'm still not where need to be w/ my mental health medication. That is not a quick fix and takes time to figure it out. Still working on it.

I think that's a good summary....a huge range of mixed emotions just opening up that photo album. I think it's good to pause and reflect, though. I spend so much time managing the day to day schedule and kids and teeth brushing, etc. that I don't spend much time thinking about ME....what do I want to do, what am I missing, what am I even interested in now? I don't spend enough time, or really any time on me. I've thrown myself into parenting and focused on that for the last so many years. Something to work on, I think.

Well, I missed writing about Spring Break 2025 (week of March 10), but suffice it to say it was busy and exhausting:

--my girl had 3 birthday parties (2 of them sleepovers which I'm still not a huge fan), had her first pet-sitting job where she had to walk the dog/feed him twice, had 2 dr's appointments, an ortho appointment, went roller skating w/ the neighbors' grandkids, we went on a bike ride and went fishing

--my son went swimming at a friends house outside--yes it was already warm enough to do that, had allergy shots, went to the port to take a boatride w/ James and his family, we went indoor swimming w/ James, had a friend over to the house

--we all went to the holocaust museum which was extremely emotional for me as we went to hear from a survivor who was 91. I cried almost the entire time.

--I took the kids to the jump place where my daughter met some of her friends and I took 3 boys w/ me.

--I also had a internet/cable appointment to fix our service, and a sprinkler appointment to fix them too

--oh yeah and driving them to/from all this stuff and scheduling all these appointments, texting w/ parents.

--we were actually going to go ziplining as a new activity...the kid have been asking to "go somewhere" like a hotel, or do something new, but w/ all the stuff planned, I just didn't want to add that too. So we looked into this and it was a good option....however when my girl's friends asked her to go to bouncy place, she said she'd rather do that. Ok then, maybe another time. Although my son didn't seem too excited about it anyway...He said he wants to go somewhere outside the country. Ha!

To be fair, I'd rather have them busy w/ stuff to do versus have them just sit around and fuss w/ each other so I was a willing participant in these events. In hindsight though, it was a lot.

I was exhausted after they went back to school last week and I kind of crashed and recovered--and of course picked up kids from theater and soccer practice, etc, ran allergy medicine to the school when the nurse called, dropped off my taxes, etc. it is never ending, isn't it?

I keep in touch w/ the mom of a friend of mine who is in her 70's....talk about perspective. She told me as busy as it gets, she would do it all over again. Enjoy it.  I really am trying to....even on the days when my son is screaming and melting down in the shower after soccer practice because his team sucks, and when my girl is crying on her bed because I was disappointed in her--because she once again chose to make edible cookie dough the very first time she earned the right to be home by herself again. Back to having her come w/ us for everything. Sigh.

I'm sure I'll come back to these posts someday and also realize that even in the crazy of it all, it's a good crazy. I'm doing my best to raise good kids and that takes most of my energy--physical and mental. I chose this life and I'm deep in the thick of raising kids. It's rewarding....and exhausting, and all-encompassing. Being a single, stay at home parent is not easy and a full time deal. Not having as much adult interaction is not easy. But as those ahead of me have said...I'll blink and they'll be off to college.

Good lord I can't even. I'll stick to cooking and chauffeuring for now :) 

Camera Roll Update

Well...I missed posting in January. I looked back last year at this time and missed Jan last year too. Maybe it's the after holiday slump and it takes me awhile to 'get going' again.  Although it's not as if we aren't busy over here. Rather than put a long written post I thought I'd post a few photos of what's been going on here.

1/21: Shortly after the kids went back to school we had a snowstorm in late Jan! We get snow maybe every 4-5 years so it was a big deal. We even had school cancelled for 2 days!

1/25: I left a few notes for my girl on the door just so she wouldn't forget. This was what she needed to do before leaving for theater Saturday at 8:45am. My son and I were already out the door at his basketball game by 7:30am. The blue tape is me trying to help decide how big we want the glass to be in our new front door. The tape has been up for months.

1/26: Our "Bath Basket".  I have used this basket for putting in the kids' after bath items (diaper wipes, creams, lotions, powder, etc.) since they were little. It's falling apart, we no longer use it, but I just can't seem to get rid of it.  I took a picture to then see if I felt better throwing it out. My girl asked me what I was doing and I said getting ready to get rid of it and she says "NO!".....so alas, it still hangs there.

2/1: My girl won her District Championship Basketball Match!!!! She played her BEST game all season with many steals, points, and great defense.  It's been really fun to watch her grow over the season. And yes, the silver lining is she really liked the B team so much better (where her friends were), and the coach was a better fit for her--not so intense. She plans to play next year in 8th grade too.

2/8: My son's running club finished the season by running in a community 5K race. It was his first race and he finished in 30 min 41 seconds.  He finished his race 11 seconds slower than my girl's in November. He was SO wanting to beat his sister's time! (no picture for this one)

2/9: Clearly we can see who my son was rooting for! PS That's also a picture of the fireplace that divides my kitchen/living that I'm looking to take down. We've not once had a fire in it and it makes the kitchen very tight.

2/14: This is my girl's list of ways she can build trust with me.  This was what I had her think about and write out because telling the truth is sometimes hard for her. She gets anxious often and a result of that is she gets more nervous to tell the truth. Also, she's made some not great choices lately....for example, when home by herself while we've been at basketball she made edible cookie dough (not supposed to eat while I'm gone). This was the second time she had done something with food so rather than take away Ipad time, which doesn't really impact her, I thought of this. She had one week to do it, and it was due on this day. Also, she's the queen of "I will"....when I ask her to do something, then it doesn't get done.  This also feeds into the fact that she wants to go to sleep away church camp this summer with her friend Parker.  I've never really been a fan of sleep away camps in general, so it's been something we've been discussing. We have to build trust in order for me to consider it.  Will see how it goes....

2/14: My son brought this home from school for me on Valentine's day. Although he said it was for my birthday. He actually bought it with his earned "Knight bucks" 10 of them. They earn the bucks at school for good behavior. So sweet of him to think of me! And by the way, I'm now 50. Wow.

2/18: I took this picture on the 18th, but it was actually brought home on 2/14. This is my girl's first REAL valentines from a boy.  We had to cut it down because it was a very long stemmed rose, chocolates, and a sweet card. Our neighbor boy Teddy has always had a crush on my girl, ever since they moved in about 4 years ago? He's also in 7th grade and plays a lot as well w/ my son. A few months back my girl told me Teddy asked her to be his girlfriend and could she say yes? I asked her a few questions like 1) doesn't Teddy annoy you sometimes? 2) will it be weird if it doesn't last long and he still lives next door and 3) Don't you say Teddy talks too much?....apparently none of those questions were deal breakers. LOL. So, she said yes. I asked her what it means to be boyfriend/girlfriend in 7th grade and she said not much. I said do you sit together at lunch? Nope. Do you hold hands? nope. Do you smooch? NO! she screamed. Gross. That answer right there was enough for me to be ok w/ it. What a nice memory for her to have....he brought her all her gifts during math and she got to carry them around all day w/ her.

Overall we are doing ok....my girl is home today for the second day w/ crud i.e. mild fever, congestion, stomach ache. Poor kid. She gets quite stressed staying home because she just doesn't want to miss anything and theater is in full gear because the show is next weekend. I told her of course she will be able to catch up and taking care of her well being is most important. I know if she's questioning going to school she really should stay home.

So yesterday the school calls me at 1pm and says my son had been to the nurses office twice. He was complaining of headache, stomachache, etc.. I said I'd go get him thinking of course he has just what his sister has. Lo and behold when I get to school and we get to the car my son says, mom, I mostly had you come because I found a hole in my shorts. WT heck kid.

His season of basketball is wrapping up--thank goodness because it's been rough. The kids are 0-6, with one more game to go tomorrow. It's just so discouraging for the boys, and my son doesn't take well to losing over and over.

As for me, I'm still plugging away to get the remodel started. We spent 2 1/2 months waiting for the structural engineer to get us drawings and he just flaked out. Couldn't give a timeline at all for when he might finish....so, had to just pivot and start over w/ a new one. I've had two of them out these past few weeks and waiting on bids and next steps. In the meantime I've been not in love w/ the color of my new windows and trim (it's more grey and it looks very dull, especially on cloudy days), so to update and improve the look I've been wanting to put stone in my entryway. In december the hoa approved my request, and I've just not found the right stone to use. It's kind of a smaller project to keep me distracted until I can get rollin w/ the bigger one.

That's it for now!

Last Day of 2024

Hard to believe, isn't it? A whole year has gone by and here we are. New Year's Eve of 2024. We've taken to staying home for this holiday and do 'little' fireworks w/ the 3 of us, or whatever neighbor might be around in our cul-de-sac.

Our haul from the yellow box shop in front of the grocery store. A little of everything.

Today I took a bunch of kiddos to the roller rink this afternoon--my girl and her friends Parker and Macy, and my son/his friend Aarav. It worked out well because Tuesday's are cheap skate day $5 admission, both my kids have roller blades, so for a few dollars you can have 3 hours of fun! Also, my girl's friend Selina met us over there w/ her cousin and little sister. Kid's really enjoyed it, good music, good times.

We've needed some time to recuperate from Christmas because the week before the holiday my girl went to a birthday party for our neighbor's grandkids at a gymnastics place (maybe Dec 14 or 15). I knew before she went it might not be the best idea because they are filthy....well, sure enough a day or so later she starts coughing/congestion, achy, etc.. No fever, thank goodness but it really took her out during exam week and she even stayed home on that Wednesday Dec 18th. She was able to take all of her tests, but man was she sick. I saw our neighbor last week and she said 2 of the 3 grandkids got the same thing and were coughing up a storm. GRRRR....if that wasn't bad enough, my girl was sick for a whole week, THEN....both my and my son's throats started to hurt, coughing, congestion and WE got sick right in time for Christmas. So sad.  We were sick through the holiday and just over the last few days have we all started to finally feel better. It's been rough.

Nothing like being sick over the holidays.  It made for a so-so visit when my sister came. She flew in on the evening of the 21st and went home on the 27th. In a nutshell, I still have high hopes for when she visits, and often times I just get let down. I really just struggle w/ her when we are in person together. The last time I saw her was last December, but we talk on the phone almost every day.  I was already feeling sick and irritable, thus I got a bit more anxious....so it started going downhill when my sister asked to drive my daughter to a store, just she/her. My sister is a terrible driver. Really just bad. At first I tried to show her a 'back way' to go to the store so there wouldn't be much traffic, but she complained about that idea. Then the next day when she wanted to go I just said no. I don't want her driving her. I'd rather have my sister mad, then worry as much as I would. So when I told her no, she just started saying why not? What's different now? Just totally not rolling w/ it and saying ok, no problem. THEN, she gets her feelings hurt and shuts down. Totally stops talking to me. She can sit there for hours without saying a word. In addition to the icing out, she can just be so selfish. She plops herself down on the first day and doesn't offer to help with lunch or dinner or cleaning up. Nothing. That upset me a lot because we've discussed this before and I've explained how when she comes, it's not vacation...I don't want another person to 'take care of', I need her help. Her behavior reminds me a lot of my Dad. Like her eating all the guacamole in one sitting and not even asking if anyone wanted some. Her not noticing how sick I was feeling and when I asked her to make the rice for dinner she refused saying she didn't know how. I fussed back and said READ the box!

There's a lot of little things, but there's a lot behind those little things....She's had some backslides in self-medicating i.e. abusing prescription medication. No idea what she takes and when. It's just non-negotiable to me when it comes to my kids. In addition to that, she is just emotionally fragile. The thing is, she's like a little turtle....she comes out of her shell, feels upset or mad, then puts her head back in the shell and stays there. It's not fun to be around at all. It's very stressful for me and triggering for me when she gets quiet because then I wonder ok, is she sick, is she mad? What's going on? I read online about this behavior and it's like emotional manipulation. She feels the "I'm mad" so Im going to control the situation by not talking.  Also, she reminds me a lot of my Dad. She can be negative, you feel like you walk on eggshells, no idea what they are thinking, selfish.  It got to the point where I had had it because I just felt so much stress and tension. I wasn't enjoying myself at all. So when the kids were outside playing I laid it out and said look, I'm not going to take the silent treatment anymore. I have a right to decide what my children do. Stop being selfish  (example 1, 2) and start thinking of others and start helping. I got upset and was crying....because there had just been so much tension built up. I was not feeling well and spent a lot of time in my room...some because I was sick and some because I just didn't want to be around her, her attitude, and her behavior.

It just wasn't a good visit, for the most part. I didn't feel well...she had her struggles....I probably wasn't the nicest to her when I was upset, I will admit that. But I think a lot of it falls in the...I'm disappointed bucket. I hope and hope that she can be the person I want her to be.....and she just falls short. The thing is....how she behaved this time wasn't new. I'm in a place where I don't know how to change my expectations to just step back and realize she's a somewhat broken person. She has physical and mental health struggles and that's just who she is. She hasn't been able to be consistent and strong for me, so that I can rely on her. We've had periods of trying, things improve....and here's the most interesting thing....over the phone, as much as we talk....it's so much better when we talk on the phone?! How is it that with all the conversations we have, me helping her /w her business, etc.. that when it's in person, it just falls apart? 

I don't know.....I guess I just have to try and focus on controlling what I can, and focus on my own well being.

I can't say the entire holiday was a bust....the gift giving went extremely well this year! I had started shopping and organizing in Oct or so, so by the time the holiday was here I only had a few things to do. It was WAY less stressful so I think I will keep that up. Also, I ended up going back to using a spreadsheet to keep who's giving what to who so I could not drive myself crazy w/ trying to remember. That worked out great. My girl's 'big gift' was a really large lego set with trees, ziplines, etc. and my son's was a soccer goal that fits between the two trees in our cul de sac 12 ft by 6 feet. Really pleasantly surprised w/ the quality. Of course he guessed it when he saw the long box wrapped next to the tree.

I tried to think through what all happened in 2024 but I'm going to have to re-read my blog to remind myself. Overall I think we had a good year....oh, and the best thing yet? My son over the last week or so has been in such a good mood it's like a new kid is in the house. He said he's gotten better sleep, so I know a lot of his struggles are related to being tired. We've had a lot of fun together.

I have a big birthday coming next year. I have some feelings about it.  I'll explain more after I get there.

Happy New Year and here's to a great 2025!!!