Memories and Spring Break '25

This always seems to happen....whenever I open an old photo album or a trunk or a folder with something from long ago, I just get flooded with so many emotions. I suppose that's normal, but I'm still surprised at the intensity of my feelings.

This morning I was preparing for our cleaning lady to come (yes I still have her/her husband--they do a great/consistent job, and have done so for many years. I don't want to deep clean my house, so it's something I'm willing to pay for. Side note-they are from Brazil, and she got her citizenship a few months back, and her husband just got his. So happy for them). 

Anyway, I was in my room and pulled out a photo album from when I was in graduate school--in 2000--25 years ago. It seems unreal that it's been that long. I was struck by so many things looking through it....

1) I absolutely positively LOVED school. The experience I had at graduate school was phenomenal. I loved the campus, my new friends, learning, growing, thinking about the future, etc. I saw a bunch of photos of our get togethers at each others' apartments, etc and that is SO my vibe. Small group setting, close group of like-minded people....no responsibilities other than getting to class and the campus job and playing club volleyball for the school. Really great time in my life, I remember it very fondly.

2) I look so vibrant. Energetic. My smile is so big an all the photos. You can almost see the energy coming through the photos--the excitement about the future and its possibilities. Yes, of course I was younger (25), but it's not until you look back and see just how much I've changed. Physically, as I'm 50 now, but emotionally and mentally as well. If I could have an ounce of the energy I just "had".  Today I live on broken sleep and diet coke. I have since 2008 after my mom passed, and even more so after 2012 when I started having my children. I think pre-2008 was the last time I had a full night's natural sleep. 

3) I was really pretty in those photos. I didn't feel pretty back then. I was always comparing myself to others and was in my head about thinking I'm not skinny enough, my hair wasn't long/full enough, etc.. That was still the time when terribly skinny was "in", and I was never built that way. I was healthy, athletic, strong and fit. I looked GOOD. When I look at those photos I wish I could give her the confidence I have now. I don't spend time comparing myself anymore...(age and wisdom has made me realize it's such a waste of mental energy--and all of youthful glow eventually fades, sags, wrinkles, and droops anyway)  But I'd tell her how beautiful she is. And would want her to BELIEVE it. 

4) It's a life that doesn't exist anymore. I came across photos of being in the house we grew up in (which my Dad sold a few years after my mom died), at christmas with my mom/dad (who are both passed away), with my one sister who is estranged (that I don't hardly communicate with other than maybe mailing a christmas card, and her children (2 nieces and 1 nephew) that I don't have any kind of communication or relationship with either. There's good reason....my sister married a bad man who was/is an alcoholic, never worked, smoked, was a terrible parent. He was terrible towards my mother, even though she spent a lot of time trying to put some good/positive in those kids' lives. As a result, the 3 kids have made poor choices in their lives, continued the cycle, trouble w/ the law, etc.. I don't need any of that in my or my kids' lives. The family I grew up with kind of disintegrated when my mom passed in 2008. As I was processing this, this is where all of my sad emotions started bubbling up.....I don't even have a foot in my old "life" because it's just not there. There's no ability to "go home"--to a place or with family from the first 25-30 years of my life. It was my whole world, and one that just isn't anymore. I didn't want to think too deeply about it because I would cry....and the cleaning lady was about to come. On the positive side, I do still talk to my other sister (although that has it's own challenges), and my brother every now and then. Opening that photo album made me think of him and text him. Although we just aren't that close. He's never been down to visit us here, though--we've lived in this house almost 10 years. I only see him if I go up to visit my sister in the midwest. He lives about 1 hr from her.

5) Looking through that photo album made me sad. Like my soul sad. Now that I have a minute to myself (the cleaners have left and my son hasn't come home from school) I'm allowing myself that space to feel it and just let the tears flow. I miss the safety of home. I miss my mom so much it hurts. I miss her unconditional love and that connection on a soul level. I'm sad that looking at old photos made me sad. I want to be able to look back and feel joy and love and happiness. But here I sit crying. I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself or too upset about being upset.  There is a lot of loss there, and it's okay to feel sad about it.

6) It's made me think about wanting to get back some of that strength and energy. I think about how I felt back then and yeah, it's very different from now--where these days I spend a lot of time dragging, being tired, and taking naps. I do think I'm still not where need to be w/ my mental health medication. That is not a quick fix and takes time to figure it out. Still working on it.

I think that's a good summary....a huge range of mixed emotions just opening up that photo album. I think it's good to pause and reflect, though. I spend so much time managing the day to day schedule and kids and teeth brushing, etc. that I don't spend much time thinking about ME....what do I want to do, what am I missing, what am I even interested in now? I don't spend enough time, or really any time on me. I've thrown myself into parenting and focused on that for the last so many years. Something to work on, I think.

Well, I missed writing about Spring Break 2025 (week of March 10), but suffice it to say it was busy and exhausting:

--my girl had 3 birthday parties (2 of them sleepovers which I'm still not a huge fan), had her first pet-sitting job where she had to walk the dog/feed him twice, had 2 dr's appointments, an ortho appointment, went roller skating w/ the neighbors' grandkids, we went on a bike ride and went fishing

--my son went swimming at a friends house outside--yes it was already warm enough to do that, had allergy shots, went to the port to take a boatride w/ James and his family, we went indoor swimming w/ James, had a friend over to the house

--we all went to the holocaust museum which was extremely emotional for me as we went to hear from a survivor who was 91. I cried almost the entire time.

--I took the kids to the jump place where my daughter met some of her friends and I took 3 boys w/ me.

--I also had a internet/cable appointment to fix our service, and a sprinkler appointment to fix them too

--oh yeah and driving them to/from all this stuff and scheduling all these appointments, texting w/ parents.

--we were actually going to go ziplining as a new activity...the kid have been asking to "go somewhere" like a hotel, or do something new, but w/ all the stuff planned, I just didn't want to add that too. So we looked into this and it was a good option....however when my girl's friends asked her to go to bouncy place, she said she'd rather do that. Ok then, maybe another time. Although my son didn't seem too excited about it anyway...He said he wants to go somewhere outside the country. Ha!

To be fair, I'd rather have them busy w/ stuff to do versus have them just sit around and fuss w/ each other so I was a willing participant in these events. In hindsight though, it was a lot.

I was exhausted after they went back to school last week and I kind of crashed and recovered--and of course picked up kids from theater and soccer practice, etc, ran allergy medicine to the school when the nurse called, dropped off my taxes, etc. it is never ending, isn't it?

I keep in touch w/ the mom of a friend of mine who is in her 70's....talk about perspective. She told me as busy as it gets, she would do it all over again. Enjoy it.  I really am trying to....even on the days when my son is screaming and melting down in the shower after soccer practice because his team sucks, and when my girl is crying on her bed because I was disappointed in her--because she once again chose to make edible cookie dough the very first time she earned the right to be home by herself again. Back to having her come w/ us for everything. Sigh.

I'm sure I'll come back to these posts someday and also realize that even in the crazy of it all, it's a good crazy. I'm doing my best to raise good kids and that takes most of my energy--physical and mental. I chose this life and I'm deep in the thick of raising kids. It's rewarding....and exhausting, and all-encompassing. Being a single, stay at home parent is not easy and a full time deal. Not having as much adult interaction is not easy. But as those ahead of me have said...I'll blink and they'll be off to college.

Good lord I can't even. I'll stick to cooking and chauffeuring for now :) 

Camera Roll Update

Well...I missed posting in January. I looked back last year at this time and missed Jan last year too. Maybe it's the after holiday slump and it takes me awhile to 'get going' again.  Although it's not as if we aren't busy over here. Rather than put a long written post I thought I'd post a few photos of what's been going on here.

1/21: Shortly after the kids went back to school we had a snowstorm in late Jan! We get snow maybe every 4-5 years so it was a big deal. We even had school cancelled for 2 days!

1/25: I left a few notes for my girl on the door just so she wouldn't forget. This was what she needed to do before leaving for theater Saturday at 8:45am. My son and I were already out the door at his basketball game by 7:30am. The blue tape is me trying to help decide how big we want the glass to be in our new front door. The tape has been up for months.

1/26: Our "Bath Basket".  I have used this basket for putting in the kids' after bath items (diaper wipes, creams, lotions, powder, etc.) since they were little. It's falling apart, we no longer use it, but I just can't seem to get rid of it.  I took a picture to then see if I felt better throwing it out. My girl asked me what I was doing and I said getting ready to get rid of it and she says "NO!".....so alas, it still hangs there.

2/1: My girl won her District Championship Basketball Match!!!! She played her BEST game all season with many steals, points, and great defense.  It's been really fun to watch her grow over the season. And yes, the silver lining is she really liked the B team so much better (where her friends were), and the coach was a better fit for her--not so intense. She plans to play next year in 8th grade too.

2/8: My son's running club finished the season by running in a community 5K race. It was his first race and he finished in 30 min 41 seconds.  He finished his race 11 seconds slower than my girl's in November. He was SO wanting to beat his sister's time! (no picture for this one)

2/9: Clearly we can see who my son was rooting for! PS That's also a picture of the fireplace that divides my kitchen/living that I'm looking to take down. We've not once had a fire in it and it makes the kitchen very tight.

2/14: This is my girl's list of ways she can build trust with me.  This was what I had her think about and write out because telling the truth is sometimes hard for her. She gets anxious often and a result of that is she gets more nervous to tell the truth. Also, she's made some not great choices lately....for example, when home by herself while we've been at basketball she made edible cookie dough (not supposed to eat while I'm gone). This was the second time she had done something with food so rather than take away Ipad time, which doesn't really impact her, I thought of this. She had one week to do it, and it was due on this day. Also, she's the queen of "I will"....when I ask her to do something, then it doesn't get done.  This also feeds into the fact that she wants to go to sleep away church camp this summer with her friend Parker.  I've never really been a fan of sleep away camps in general, so it's been something we've been discussing. We have to build trust in order for me to consider it.  Will see how it goes....

2/14: My son brought this home from school for me on Valentine's day. Although he said it was for my birthday. He actually bought it with his earned "Knight bucks" 10 of them. They earn the bucks at school for good behavior. So sweet of him to think of me! And by the way, I'm now 50. Wow.

2/18: I took this picture on the 18th, but it was actually brought home on 2/14. This is my girl's first REAL valentines from a boy.  We had to cut it down because it was a very long stemmed rose, chocolates, and a sweet card. Our neighbor boy Teddy has always had a crush on my girl, ever since they moved in about 4 years ago? He's also in 7th grade and plays a lot as well w/ my son. A few months back my girl told me Teddy asked her to be his girlfriend and could she say yes? I asked her a few questions like 1) doesn't Teddy annoy you sometimes? 2) will it be weird if it doesn't last long and he still lives next door and 3) Don't you say Teddy talks too much?....apparently none of those questions were deal breakers. LOL. So, she said yes. I asked her what it means to be boyfriend/girlfriend in 7th grade and she said not much. I said do you sit together at lunch? Nope. Do you hold hands? nope. Do you smooch? NO! she screamed. Gross. That answer right there was enough for me to be ok w/ it. What a nice memory for her to have....he brought her all her gifts during math and she got to carry them around all day w/ her.

Overall we are doing ok....my girl is home today for the second day w/ crud i.e. mild fever, congestion, stomach ache. Poor kid. She gets quite stressed staying home because she just doesn't want to miss anything and theater is in full gear because the show is next weekend. I told her of course she will be able to catch up and taking care of her well being is most important. I know if she's questioning going to school she really should stay home.

So yesterday the school calls me at 1pm and says my son had been to the nurses office twice. He was complaining of headache, stomachache, etc.. I said I'd go get him thinking of course he has just what his sister has. Lo and behold when I get to school and we get to the car my son says, mom, I mostly had you come because I found a hole in my shorts. WT heck kid.

His season of basketball is wrapping up--thank goodness because it's been rough. The kids are 0-6, with one more game to go tomorrow. It's just so discouraging for the boys, and my son doesn't take well to losing over and over.

As for me, I'm still plugging away to get the remodel started. We spent 2 1/2 months waiting for the structural engineer to get us drawings and he just flaked out. Couldn't give a timeline at all for when he might finish....so, had to just pivot and start over w/ a new one. I've had two of them out these past few weeks and waiting on bids and next steps. In the meantime I've been not in love w/ the color of my new windows and trim (it's more grey and it looks very dull, especially on cloudy days), so to update and improve the look I've been wanting to put stone in my entryway. In december the hoa approved my request, and I've just not found the right stone to use. It's kind of a smaller project to keep me distracted until I can get rollin w/ the bigger one.

That's it for now!

Last Day of 2024

Hard to believe, isn't it? A whole year has gone by and here we are. New Year's Eve of 2024. We've taken to staying home for this holiday and do 'little' fireworks w/ the 3 of us, or whatever neighbor might be around in our cul-de-sac.

Our haul from the yellow box shop in front of the grocery store. A little of everything.

Today I took a bunch of kiddos to the roller rink this afternoon--my girl and her friends Parker and Macy, and my son/his friend Aarav. It worked out well because Tuesday's are cheap skate day $5 admission, both my kids have roller blades, so for a few dollars you can have 3 hours of fun! Also, my girl's friend Selina met us over there w/ her cousin and little sister. Kid's really enjoyed it, good music, good times.

We've needed some time to recuperate from Christmas because the week before the holiday my girl went to a birthday party for our neighbor's grandkids at a gymnastics place (maybe Dec 14 or 15). I knew before she went it might not be the best idea because they are filthy....well, sure enough a day or so later she starts coughing/congestion, achy, etc.. No fever, thank goodness but it really took her out during exam week and she even stayed home on that Wednesday Dec 18th. She was able to take all of her tests, but man was she sick. I saw our neighbor last week and she said 2 of the 3 grandkids got the same thing and were coughing up a storm. GRRRR....if that wasn't bad enough, my girl was sick for a whole week, THEN....both my and my son's throats started to hurt, coughing, congestion and WE got sick right in time for Christmas. So sad.  We were sick through the holiday and just over the last few days have we all started to finally feel better. It's been rough.

Nothing like being sick over the holidays.  It made for a so-so visit when my sister came. She flew in on the evening of the 21st and went home on the 27th. In a nutshell, I still have high hopes for when she visits, and often times I just get let down. I really just struggle w/ her when we are in person together. The last time I saw her was last December, but we talk on the phone almost every day.  I was already feeling sick and irritable, thus I got a bit more anxious....so it started going downhill when my sister asked to drive my daughter to a store, just she/her. My sister is a terrible driver. Really just bad. At first I tried to show her a 'back way' to go to the store so there wouldn't be much traffic, but she complained about that idea. Then the next day when she wanted to go I just said no. I don't want her driving her. I'd rather have my sister mad, then worry as much as I would. So when I told her no, she just started saying why not? What's different now? Just totally not rolling w/ it and saying ok, no problem. THEN, she gets her feelings hurt and shuts down. Totally stops talking to me. She can sit there for hours without saying a word. In addition to the icing out, she can just be so selfish. She plops herself down on the first day and doesn't offer to help with lunch or dinner or cleaning up. Nothing. That upset me a lot because we've discussed this before and I've explained how when she comes, it's not vacation...I don't want another person to 'take care of', I need her help. Her behavior reminds me a lot of my Dad. Like her eating all the guacamole in one sitting and not even asking if anyone wanted some. Her not noticing how sick I was feeling and when I asked her to make the rice for dinner she refused saying she didn't know how. I fussed back and said READ the box!

There's a lot of little things, but there's a lot behind those little things....She's had some backslides in self-medicating i.e. abusing prescription medication. No idea what she takes and when. It's just non-negotiable to me when it comes to my kids. In addition to that, she is just emotionally fragile. The thing is, she's like a little turtle....she comes out of her shell, feels upset or mad, then puts her head back in the shell and stays there. It's not fun to be around at all. It's very stressful for me and triggering for me when she gets quiet because then I wonder ok, is she sick, is she mad? What's going on? I read online about this behavior and it's like emotional manipulation. She feels the "I'm mad" so Im going to control the situation by not talking.  Also, she reminds me a lot of my Dad. She can be negative, you feel like you walk on eggshells, no idea what they are thinking, selfish.  It got to the point where I had had it because I just felt so much stress and tension. I wasn't enjoying myself at all. So when the kids were outside playing I laid it out and said look, I'm not going to take the silent treatment anymore. I have a right to decide what my children do. Stop being selfish  (example 1, 2) and start thinking of others and start helping. I got upset and was crying....because there had just been so much tension built up. I was not feeling well and spent a lot of time in my room...some because I was sick and some because I just didn't want to be around her, her attitude, and her behavior.

It just wasn't a good visit, for the most part. I didn't feel well...she had her struggles....I probably wasn't the nicest to her when I was upset, I will admit that. But I think a lot of it falls in the...I'm disappointed bucket. I hope and hope that she can be the person I want her to be.....and she just falls short. The thing is....how she behaved this time wasn't new. I'm in a place where I don't know how to change my expectations to just step back and realize she's a somewhat broken person. She has physical and mental health struggles and that's just who she is. She hasn't been able to be consistent and strong for me, so that I can rely on her. We've had periods of trying, things improve....and here's the most interesting thing....over the phone, as much as we talk....it's so much better when we talk on the phone?! How is it that with all the conversations we have, me helping her /w her business, etc.. that when it's in person, it just falls apart? 

I don't know.....I guess I just have to try and focus on controlling what I can, and focus on my own well being.

I can't say the entire holiday was a bust....the gift giving went extremely well this year! I had started shopping and organizing in Oct or so, so by the time the holiday was here I only had a few things to do. It was WAY less stressful so I think I will keep that up. Also, I ended up going back to using a spreadsheet to keep who's giving what to who so I could not drive myself crazy w/ trying to remember. That worked out great. My girl's 'big gift' was a really large lego set with trees, ziplines, etc. and my son's was a soccer goal that fits between the two trees in our cul de sac 12 ft by 6 feet. Really pleasantly surprised w/ the quality. Of course he guessed it when he saw the long box wrapped next to the tree.

I tried to think through what all happened in 2024 but I'm going to have to re-read my blog to remind myself. Overall I think we had a good year....oh, and the best thing yet? My son over the last week or so has been in such a good mood it's like a new kid is in the house. He said he's gotten better sleep, so I know a lot of his struggles are related to being tired. We've had a lot of fun together.

I have a big birthday coming next year. I have some feelings about it.  I'll explain more after I get there.

Happy New Year and here's to a great 2025!!!

Thanksgiving and more

We just celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday at our neighbors' house. It was nice to be offered to come again (we went last year), and I didn't have to make a big meal or travel anywhere. We all know that's not my thing. But, I did make a corn casserole and brought sodas, so at least I contributed something. My neighbor is from England and this was his parents' first time celebrating the holiday. Overall it was pretty uneventful and easy. We walked over around 3pm (after finishing up watching football) and were there for a few hours and home by around 530. We were all exhausted because my girl did a Turkey Run in the morning with her friend Selina/her Dad. She decided to run the 5k w/ them, so we were all up at 6am, she left w/ them around 645, my son and I left around 715. It was a huge race w/ over a few thousand people, so we stood w/ them prior to the race, then watched at the start and finish lines....just sat on the grass by the road. She was crazy nervous the night before...she kept worrying she'd be last, and of course that wasn't the case, but I kept trying to explain it's about having fun and doing your own personal best. She was proud she ran in 30 min 30 sec...for not having been training distance, pretty good.

It's been really busy lately....even though the kids were off of school this week, it's been packed for all of us--my girl with therapy visit (not too impressed with this one, but jury still out), basketball open gym, wanting to decorate inside house/set up the x-mas tree, ortho visit, party at her friend's house, Turkey race; my son had allergy shots, ortho visit, a party at his friend's house we all went to;  and for me running them to all this stuff as well as grocery store, pest control, issue w/ tenant hearing beeping (was able to get my neighbor to stop by and turned out to be carbon monoxide detector battery), designer appointment for remodel, online shopping. After looking back it makes sense I was exhausted yesterday! Today, Friday, I am just relaxing at home, scheduled to go nowhere. Kids are running in/out of house as the weather is beautiful. In fact, I just called watch to see where they were (sand park) and to check in.

My girl started basketball a month or so ago and it's a good thing I waited to write about it, because my thoughts have changed quite a bit. Our middle school has around 850 kids. About 50 7th grade girls tried out for 36 spots. They have an A, B, and C team based on level. She was hoping for A team, but would be ok w/ B.  They had tryouts for 3 days starting Oct 23, 24, 25, then after a few more days of practice the following week they told them what team they were on.  She texted me and said she made A team! I was SO excited for her. They continued to practice, then their first game was on Nov 6 where she didn't start, but got to play and did quite well....caused the other team to make some turn overs and scored 2 points. So, the next day I was completely surprised when after school we texted:

ME: Remember to bring home your cross country pictures! HER: They're not in my locker and guess what I'm getting moved down to B team ME: Why? We can talk later HER: Because I need more confidence I guess (crying face emoji) ME: I'm a bit surprised to hear that. You played well and it was the first game. Were others moved around? HER: Just me and Martina switched. ME: That's really disappointing. I'm sorry sweetheart. HER: Sad emoji x 2

That same night we were at the boys' 7th grade game watching our neighbor Teddy while she was finishing up theater. Once we were all done we rode home and I told her we'd talk then. We got to her room and she just started crying....I asked her what happened and apparently the coaches had her come to their office after practice that morning and told her they were moving her to B. They said she needed to work on her confidence and get more playing time. She said they told her and she started crying, and said they didn't do anything, just watched her. They gave her some lines about she'll get to play more, yadda yadda. I had a whole host of thoughts about this....how do you make that decision after just 1 game? I also realized that politics reared their ugly head. The girl they brought up from B is part of the 'preppy group' of girls that are all on A team. Also, one of the coaches daughters is on A team even though she's never played basketball before, as well as another 2 girls that have never played before but the head coach knows through volleyball and their sisters playing before them.

Let me be clear--My issue wasn't about what team she was on. My issue was about if you were trying to build her confidence, then WHY on earth would you put her on A team, just to put her down to B a week later after 1 game? If that's not a confidence crusher I don't know what is. Why did you not just put her on B to begin with?? In a 12 year old's mind, all they think about is what did I do wrong? I didn't realize that you could make a team, then un-make a team (in jr high). I've never seen that in all my years of playing sports. I asked her that night what she wanted to do....and she was just so upset. She was already thinking about the next day where she'd have to go in the gym w/ everyone knowing she got moved down, and was the only one. At first she said she didn't want to play anymore. I didn't argue w/ her about it...I let her have all of her emotions. It didn't help that this was also during the most stressful week right before the theater shows where she was having 12 hours days at school (before school BB practice, school, then theater until 7pm). I let her cry, I told her I truly didn't understand why they would do that, and to reassure her she does have good skills. I was left to pick up the pieces. I told her to perhaps just think about it before she made a final decision.

These are the times that you learn a lot about your kid and who they are. The tough times....the hard times...the disappointing times. What would they do??  So, right before bed I asked her, hey babe, what time do you want me to wake you in the morning.  She paused.....then said....regular time.  That meant she was going to practice the next day. Wow. Just wow. This kid just took a big punch to the self confidence, then decided very quickly to pick herself up, hold her head high, and go right back to practice the next day, even though she was hurt, embarrassed, and disappointed. Just wow. And she did! She got up the next day and I told her just how amazing she was and how PROUD I was of her. 

I still wanted to know from the coach exactly what happened so I did reach out to her the next day and asked to speak with her.  I played very nice with her....treaded very lightly because being "that" parent just wouldn't help the situation and could make it worse. I asked open-ended question like, I'm new to JR high sports, how are kids assigned to teams?, etc. etc.. It wasn't a very fruitful conversation...coach was a bit gruff, and didn't really give much more than saying yes, she thinks my girl needs to build her confidence, would play more on B, and have more time to learn the plays.  She said the teams weren't set yet and they could still make changes up until about the 3rd game. My girl said they told her this too and said they'd see how the change went, how both girls did (Let's be real, if she moved her down, she wasn't going to move her back up, again...so why give the false hope?) I did share that building confidence is key, and that moving teams was a hard one. She said they try to get the team assignment right at first, but sometimes have to make changes.  I heard her out and thanked her etc.. but in my mind I also was thinking perhaps they should care a bit more about the impact of making changes on self-confidence--that should be the priority. It's not like this is the wnba, it's 7th grade basketball. 

Now that my girl has practiced and played a few games w/ the B team, there is a silver lining....she is liking this team much better. More of her friends are on this team, it's a different coach, and she does get more playing time-and starts. In fact, the first game on B my girl scored 10 points!~ and caused the other team several turn overs. Take THAT coach A. Part of me was wondering if seeing how well she did would change their minds, but my girl said they've not said anything. That's probably for the best overall because the A coach is super intense and unfortunately very negative. I've seen her on the sidelines smacking her head when someone makes a mistake, yanking people out for making mistakes, etc....just her body language is terrible for being the head of junior high girls. She's the volleyball head coach and my girl said during the season she broke a clipboard. Really? So the fact that she's not the coach for my girl is good. My girl does not respond well to negative/intense coaching. Well, not sure what kid actually does. In fact, my girl said even if they asked her to move back, she wouldn't want to. The girl that they switched for my girl...she hasn't played really well at all and sits on the bench quite a bit. We've stayed to watch the A team games for the last few and I kinda feel bad for the kid and the girls that play for this coach. I'm hopeful that this whole experience doesn't impact her love/like of basketball going forward.

Been a lot to manage through for my girl. We just keep working through things as they come....another thing it's good I waited. Apparently there was this boy Felix who was talking to my girl a lot (they are in theater together), trying to get advice from her about this other girl. Well, when that "relationship" didn't work out he then asked my girl if she could be his girlfriend. Oh dear. My girl told me about it (I was surprised but thank goodness) and asked permission, if I would be ok w/ it? I was proud of her for caring enough to ask me....and I then tried to figure out what does that mean at this age? She said not much, just talking, hanging out at school. No dates, etc. I said sure, why not. She got so excited and couldn't believe I would say yes. ( I said yes hesitantly of course, because I want her to know I will support her, and I'm hoping that in turn would encourage her to continue more open communication). It's good that I waited because she really didn't talk much about it...like at all. So the other day I asked her....does she still have a boyfriend and she said no. I said what happened? She said nothing. I said well something must have happened and she said no, once they decided to be boyfriend/girlfriend they actually stopped talking.  Um, ok. I guess that's it then. 

Now that I feel like I've written a novel, I'll have to catch up next time on my son, me and all the stuff.

Hope everyone had a good holiday!

Gift

At the end of September my cousin called and said that her Dad (my mom's only sibling) had left early in the morning and no one knew where he was. My aunt woke up and he was gone, so was his truck. They finally tracked him down w/ police help and found him about an hour from home--disoriented, confused, and kept talking about the little guy in the backseat (which didn't exist)....my other cousin was able to go get him and she drove him straight to the hospital where they put him in ICU and diagnosed him with a brain bleed.  He had had a stroke a few years ago, however it was very mild and he recovered to pretty much normal. At his age, 79, they said that they don't prefer to do surgery, they like to see if the body can repair on its own. He stayed in ICU for several more days and he was starting to improve. So, they transferred him on October 4th to another unit where he started PT, OT, etc. He was up using a walker, but over the next few days things went downhill. He started talking less and less, not able to do the therapy, etc. so they did another scan and found out he had more brain bleeding.  He was put back in the ICU, and then on October 10th it was a final decision of surgery, or not....knowing what would come as a result if they chose not to.  He was conscious enough for them to ask him to squeeze their hand if he did or did not want, and he said no. The family all agreed (my aunt, and the 4 "kids" my cousins ranging from age 58-46 ish). The surgery may not have worked, he may not, and likely wouldn't have been the same afterwards, and he lived life on his own terms. No one wanted to change that. So, the hospital let them know since they were no longer actively treating him, he needed to move to palliative care and move either home or to a hospice facility. My aunt didn't think she could handle taking care of him, so they moved him to a hospice inpatient unit about 20 minutes from their home. They transferred him on Friday October 11th.  

As soon as my cousin said they were putting him in hospice care, I just had this strong gut emotion that I needed to be there. I just did. It was just such a, I HAVE to go....and RIGHT NOW, so I immediately called Amy on that Friday and asked if she could she get on a flight in a few hours to get here that night so I could fly out tomorrow/Saturday morning....I just felt that if I didn't get on the plane Saturday, I wouldn't make it in time to see him and talk w/ him. Thankfully she was able to do it, she flew in that night, and I was flying out by 9:30 AM Saturday.  I didn't tell any of my cousins/Aunt I was going for several reasons, but mainly a) I didn't want them to worry about anything else b) I didn't know how I was going to feel so wanted to be in a hotel. I talk to my one cousin all the time, even more now that she's divorced, but we haven't physically seen all of them since 2017--7 years! I couldn't believe it had been that long when I had to search through pictures to see. Growing up we would always go to this Aunt/Uncle's for Thanksgiving every year. My cousin is only a few weeks older than I am, so we've remained connected over the years. After my mom passed, it was just too hard for me to go, but after I had my girl I went when she was 3 months old in 2012, then I went again when the kids were 4 and 2--2016, then 5 and 3-in 2017. It was a LOT to travel as a single person with two small kids, and when we were there, my cousin I'm close with has 5 kids! so she was distracted with all of that. It was nice, but crazy. Since my son was so young he doesn't remember, but my girl remembers "grandpa" (that's what I called him to them) playing marbles with her. 

So, I got to the hospice location about 4:30pm on Saturday October 11th and to me he actually looked better than I thought he would. In fact, he looked just like my mom. He had lost a bit of weight over the last several weeks, so his cheeks were thinner. As soon as I went in I walked over and said Hey Uncle, it's me, your sister's daughter. They both looked very similar over the years, so when I saw him in the bed, it was uncanny how much alike they were. The family had all left around 3:30pm, and the only one there was my cousin's ex-husband. Of course he had been part of the family for over 20 years, so he asked my cousin if he could go and see my Uncle. I, for a second, thought: oh, would this be awkward?, but it turned out to be a really nice conversation. I didn't know him well over the years so we just weren't that close. But the elephant was the divorce last September, my cousin dating her coworker before they were divorced, and said coworker now lives with my cousin. He's very brokenhearted and it showed.  We talked a bit about how he was doing, life after divorce, managing the kids, work, etc.. I talked to him more that day more than I had in 20 years. And it just felt nice.  He had said his goodbyes already, so left me alone w/ my Uncle.

I know from all the reading that hearing is one of the last things to go, so I sat down next to him and told him I was glad to be there to visit him. My mom would be there too if she could have. There was such a sense of peace about sitting with him, letting him know I/My mom love him. I did touch his hand here and there, but like I said, he wasn't a big emotional person. I wanted to see if he would respond at all...and he did not. That was ok. I was just feeling such a calmness about being there, and such a relief I made it. It just felt right....I was there when my mom passed, and maybe I was meant to be there with him too. Maybe that's why I felt so strongly about going.

My Uncle was a very boisterous, life of the party kind of guy. He was a big guy, very funny, jokester-type. He also was a bit of drinker, always had some whiskey and/or beer whenever I saw him, but over the last several years he cut down, I understand.  He was reserved with hugs, but a small one was always given. He knew how much it was to take care of my mom when she was sick by myself, so that really connected us.  My mom and he were close, as much as a brother and sister usually are, talked on the phone regularly, saw each other at Thanksgiving and usually in the summers up North where my Uncle had a cabin that my mom/he grew up at in the summer, and ironically my Dad's mom had one about an hour from there too. So over the summer we'd go visit them at their lake, or they would come to our lake. Mostly it was us going to them over the years. I can only remember a few times my Uncle and my cousins coming to our house i.e. for high school graduations.

I did send a text letting them know I was there, and of course they all were like, what?! My cousin asked if I wanted to go over there-- see her new house, meet the boyfriend, and eat dinner w/ them so after sitting for a few hours, I headed over there. Not used to driving in complete black, two lane highways w/ deer and possums. It's been awhile. When I saw her it was almost like no time had passed....we started up where we left off. After we caught up I headed back to the hotel, but stopped again at the hospice house to sit w/ my Uncle. I was worried about him passing and no one being there, so I stayed until around 11:30pm, then headed to hotel. Earlier we had agreed that I would head to the hospice house again around 10:30am on Sunday.

When I arrived the next morning my Aunt, cousin I'm close with, her boyfriend, my other cousin, and my other cousin's son were there. It was an eclectic group in a way. There's drama around the new boyfriend with my other cousin, her sister, so I was surprised to see him there.  But, when I walked in, it just felt like family. No awkwardness, even though I hadn't seen them for so long. Unfortunately, my Uncle's breathing was much worse. I had brought two pamphlets I had gotten when my mom passed and shared them w/ the group i.e. what to expect, and one on grief. Sadly, he was showing a lot of the symptoms there wasn't much time.  We were all sitting around the room, just watching, long stretches of quiet, then telling stories, catching up, sharing pictures. Then the nurses came in and said they should angle him the other direction to help somewhat w/ breathing. We all went out in the hall and when the nurse came back out she said it's time. He had started having apnea episodes. We all went back in, I just sat at the foot of the bed on the right, my cousin's son at the foot of the bed on the left, my cousin and her sister were at the head of the bed, my aunt by his side (they have been married over 50 years), and my cousin's boyfriend on the sofa near the wall. It took about an hour more of labored breathing on and off, (which was so hard for my Aunt who kept telling him it's ok to go, and shrinking more when he'd start breathing again....and my cousin joking that he still wasn't listening to her)  then eventually he stopped breathing, and passed.

I wasn't sure how I was going to feel during and after being there, but all I can say was it was peaceful. I kept watching afterwards, like almost expecting to see his soul rise, or something. I don't know. But, I do know it felt right being there...it felt fitting....and I did ask my aunt before we all headed back in the room if it was ok I was there....she said of course. It's almost like I was bringing a piece of my mom to him, and that was comforting. He passed a little after 1pm, and I was scheduled to leave for my flight around the same time. I told them I guess he wanted to make sure I caught my flight home.

As I was at the airport when my cousin texted this and said, "My Dad and your mom are together again"

I don't know what I believe when it comes to spirits/souls, etc. but I will say that when I flew into town it was storming so bad they shut the airport down, and when I was driving to my uncle's hospice location it was hailing on me. They told me it hardly ever storms like that. My mom passed during a hurricane. Also, her birthday is on the 13th, she passed on the 13th, and my Uncle passed on the 13th. Also, my instinct was right, if I had flown out the next day, on Sunday, I would have missed being there. Something told me to get on that plane and be there. I felt like it was a gift and full circle to be there w/ my mom and uncle during their passing.

I didn't expect I was going to write this whole story out, but when I started writing, it kind of just flowed. I had planned to talk about the following-this was my list when I first drafted:

My girl: theater, basketball tryouts, boyfriend, baking

Me: My Uncle, stalled remodel, crazy schedule

My son: 2nd round of strep, early sept and now Monday this week. get virus on top of that, congestion, etc. Intuition--wheel 100k, wheel 1 mil, football game win by interception. me, sister Dave

Looks like I'll have to pick those topics up next time.

First 6 weeks

I can hardly believe it is the last day of September! I didn't realize it, but I just made the cut off for a September post. Sheesh.

School for 7th and 4th grade started over 6 weeks ago now and it started off quite well! My girl was familiar w/ her school and the new middle school scheduling. My son seemed happy to head back to school and we quickly got into our rhythm. We'd wake around 7:00, my son's school starts first so he gets ready--mostly on his own. I don't have to nag much, just more reminders about brushing teeth. He's a big eater in the morning so I know he'll find himself something to eat, cereal, peanut butter toast, etc.. We leave for the bus at 7:35 AM (School starts at 8:10AM). It's kind of ridiculous, but I don't care that I drive him to the bus stop. I don't like the heat, bugs, and humidity....so we wait for the bus in the air conditioned car. So much better. Once he's off on the bus I'll head back home. My girl usually wakes up before we leave for the bus so I'll come back and find her laying on the sofa watching cartoons. She'll relax until 8-ish, then get herself ready. My only job is to make sure she's eaten something (not a morning eater), brushed her teeth, and fill her water bottle/snack if she wants one. Then, she was taking the bus in the morning too....her bus is supposed to come at 8:29AM, but it's consistently late. She no longer wants mom to go to the bus stop w her....apparently there is a bunch of kids there. So, I have her wear the apple watch and she leaves the house about 8:20AM. Once she's on the bus she scans her badge and I get a notice. Then it's just me.

For the first week I used that time to just decompress after the whirlwind summer. I started to think through what projects I want to do, and really how I want to spend my time. Do I want to go back to work? Do I want to finally do whatever renovation I had in mind?

So.............after the new windows got installed week of August 12th, I realized that paying a large sum of money wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. Once I wrote the checks and credit card swipes, the money left my account, and that was that. I didn't regret it. I didn't stew over it. My mom ALWAYS said growing up you can't take your money with you when you go. She was a very generous person, always donating to church, to the people ringing the bells at christmas time outside of stores, she always chose a child's name from a tree to donate a gift, etc.. She was much more generous than I am. It's the truth. I have always saved and saved, and I am quite frugal--because to me, money = freedom. It gives me choices, which gives me a lot of peace. And that's why I'm in the excellent financial situation I am in. I worked in corporate america for almost 20 years, I maxed out saving to my 401k from the get go every company I was with. I did several corporate relocations which are lucrative, I also had a side hustle (which at the time didn't realize that was the term) of real estate rentals and investment properties. I'm really proud of myself and always said my goal was to have enough to stop working when my son was going to kinder to be a stay at home mom if I wanted to. Goal accomplished. I'm really proud. 

I've digressed here.

Anyway, all that to say it's hard for me to spend money. Small amounts, no problem, but large amounts brings me a lot of anxiety. So, after doing the windows and realizing it wasn't that bad........

I can't believe it but after two years of thinking and planning, I'm actually going to do the kitchen renovation! I stressed and hemmed and hawed and finally signed the contract early September.

You might think demo has already started but here's where I've surprised even myself.  After talking w/ contractor and designer, I mentioned that I've always wanted more space i.e. turn the attic into a bonus room. In this phase of our lives, I feel like we just need more space. And, I don't want to move....I've come to that conclusion because I looked again a few months ago at real estate in Wisconsin where our extended family lives and got excited, thought about the possibilities of getting out of this heat, and then researched schooling. That's where it kind of crashed and burned. It's not the academics itself, it's the complete lack of diversity. And I mean complete. I looked through all the pictures at the middle and high school current staff. Maybe all but 2 appeared Caucasian. I have a huge problem with this. I love how much of a melting pot we live in. My son's best friend Aarav is Indian, Ata is Turkish, James is Japanese, my girl's good friend Selina is Asian/Brazilian. There's such a benefit, almost indescribable, to me about living in a place where you are surrounded by differences. There's learning in that, in and of itself. It's hard for me to imagine living somewhere that is 90+% white. It bothered me to my core.

So, I put thinking about moving on the backshelf....again.

Having said that, if we are going to stay in this house.....then I just want to make it functional for this stage of our lives. So, after discussions w/ contractor/designer....if I'm going to do a bonus room, it doesn't make sense to finish a complete kitchen/flooring/painting reno, then disturb everything we just did to make a bonus room. I agree. The current thinking after last week is to do it all at the same time. The architect and designer are discussing a new drawing/plan to include the bonus room, so the contractor can then get me a cost estimate.  It will be outrageously expensive, I think. But man would I love to be able to let the kids go upstairs when their friends come over (which is all the time), have more storage, etc, etc..

I went from doing nothing for a few years, to now wanting to do everything. I'm excited, actually...from a real estate perspective you can't go wrong (usually) w/ adding square footage......and then sometimes think what the heck am I doing. I'll wait to see the numbers about the bonus room and go from there.  I've already signed the contract to do the kitchen, etc. so I know I will at least do that part. Once we decide on bonus room, then everything will get started.

Our nice school schedule was going well for the first week and then.....the head PE coach at the middle school had a group of 7th grade girls together and "encouraged" them if they were going to try out for basketball, then they really should sign up for cross country now. WHAT? My daughter texted me from school that day, with the coach standing there, asking if she could sign up. What was I going to say? I asked if she really wanted to, and she said yes. So, I said yes. She talked about maybe doing it before school started, then decided no. Well, when you have an adult saying you should do it, pressuring you into it....the coach was there telling kids what to text their parents....of course she'd bend to the coach. Really disappointed in how the coach handled it. So, we started cross country's 7 week season on August 19th.

It was a shock to all of our systems....getting up at 6AM Monday-Friday leaving at 6:30AM. Traveling to the school, practice starting at 7AM, then her going to school after that-School starts at 8:55 for her, and not getting home from the bus until almost 5PM. My girl's friend Selina was in that group also and her mom texted me if we could carpool, YES! So I end up driving the girls Mon/Tue, she drives Thurs/Fri and we trade wednesdays. The first meet was on Sept 5th at 5:30 pm, thankfully they do not have practice on the days of meets. The meets are once a week for 5 weeks at different schools and are all designed for the kids to run in grades/genders...7th grade girls go first, then 7th boys, etc..and are a mile and a half long. We were SO lucky the first meet it rained because....well, we live in the south. It is SO unbearably hot still. The next meet the feels like temp was in 90's-100's. By the third meet it was in the 100's, and after running my girl just about collapsed afterwards....we can leave as soon as her group is done, but riding home she took a half an hour to calm down, restore her breathing, and cool off. Once we got home she just laid out on the floor under the ceiling fan for another half an hour. It was brutal. She decided not to run the 4th meet last week due to such high temps, but it's not like she just came home, she just went to theater rehearsal instead (theater has started up or her too and a few days every week she gets up at 6, practices, school, then theater 4-6, I pick her up and home at 6:30. And theater on Saturdays from 10-4 or 10-1 also.) That's more than a 12 hour day for a 12 year old--It's just too much.

I can't be more proud of her, though, because she's stuck with it. She's exhausted but has kept pushing and didn't quit. I wouldn't have been upset if she did. But, this week is the last week for practices (today/tomorrow, then districts 5th meet on Wednesday). That will finish out the season.  How did she do? With her long legs, I thought running would be a breeze for her, but it's not. It's hard....distance running is tough. She was so upset after the first meet with her time because she was one of the last to finish from our school of 7th grade girls. But, the next meet her time improved a ton and she was thrilled, and then the third meet it was brutally hot and she had to walk some during, which slowed her down. It's been challenging for her. She's hard on herself about how she performs but I have to keep reminding her, this is her FIRST time doing the sport, her FIRST time ever running distance.....she's competing against kids where this is what they do. I've done my best to pump her up this season because she didn't give up, she's worked incredibly hard....and I'm amazed at her resilience. Yes girl. I tell her I'm proud all the time to make sure she hears it. She's really gotten fit w/ building muscle, etc. which means I've been doing lots of muscle massage. Since an early age she's liked muscle massage, I used to do it to help calm her a lot....She'd have me do her legs/calves and shoulders every night if I would.

I was initially worried about how all of the extra curricular activities would affect her academics. It started off a bit rough in math as they are now doing algebra. She came home just devastated about her first math test and failing it. I'm thankful that her friend Parker's mom is a math whiz and offered to tutor her a bit. Well, something 'clicked' after that first session and she's done so much better....for the first 6 weeks she got all A's, even in Math.  This kid has really shined. I keep using the word resilient. It's a heavy load for such a young kid and she's managed. And thrived.  Just YES! And she's physically growing as well....she's getting close to 5'5" already....and just beautiful.

All that to say, I've done a ton of driving around since school started. My son also started soccer with practices on Tuesdays and Fridays, and games on Saturdays. Thankfully there are 2 other boys on the team we carpool with so that is helpful. He then decided he needed to work on his endurance/stamina for running, so joined the school's running club which is Thursdays AM at 7:30.

So, I'm either running TO or FROM somewhere....taking/dropping off/picking up/going in circles. My calendar is full with all of their activities, not to mention my girl likes going to church w/ Parker, the sleep overs, the play dates. This is full time mom stuff!

My son's 4th soccer game this past Saturday was extra special. I mentioned in the past that we've loved his coaches Aaron and Michael. They've been his soccer coaches for 4-5 seasons 2-3 years, and they are just solid men. Patient, positive, encouraging, smart. We got so lucky. Anyway, their two boys have now moved to club, but Aaron/Michael reached out about when my son's games are so they can come watch. Sure enough, Aaron, his wife, and son that now plays club came this past Saturday to watch the boys....there are 4 of them on my son's current team that used to play together for Aaron/Michael. Our team won the game and my son even scored a goal. It was just awesome to see that after the game when my son came over to the audience and finally saw coach Aaron---he got this massive smile on his face and went and hugged him. OMG that was just so cool.

Something else I remembered that I don't think I wrote about is how much emotion my son can have. When my kiddos went to Amy's this summer we planned for about max 2 weeks. I had a feeling 14 days would be too long and I think it ended up being about 10 days.  We usually each drive and meet in the middle about 3 hours and then the kids switch cars/stuff. This time when we were driving to pick each other up I really became emotional. I missed them and my heart just was sad......I got to the pick up location first and was just waiting for them. When I saw Amy's car come over the hill I just bursted with emotion and started crying. I'm waving frantically at them when I see them and couldn't wait to get out of the car.

Once they pulled up, it was like in a movie.......I jumped out of the car and as soon as my son stopped he got out of the car and we both had tears streaming down our faces.....running towards each other.....arms stretched out.....and finally embraced in the deepest hug possible. Later on he said "Mom, as soon as I saw your car I just started crying and couldn't stop"......I literally have tears now remembering it.  It was so special, so touching, so soul-filling.....I just love them so much. We both were embraced saying how much we missed each other.  I'll never forget it.

It took a pretty funny turn as well because.....as my son and I were bawling/hugging....my daughter walks up straight-faced and says, "uhhhh, am I supposed to be crying too?"

LOL. 

Along with the intense happy emotions, he also has intense irritable/temper emotions. Lately it's been a struggle when he gets tired, sick, irritable, he lashes out by shouting a lot at me or his sister. This is obviously not ok, but I've been at a loss as to how to manage.  He learned that from me, unfortunately. I can stay calm for quite awhile, but when I'm pushed past, I do yell. Now, to be fair it takes a lot for me to get there..... and he's getting there almost every night, and it's really been a lot lately. I've had several conversations with him to say it's okay to have emotions and be angry, it's not ok to yell at someone. I for sure don't want his sister being yelled at nightly. I tell him she does not deserve that. On the flip side, I've had to talk w/ her about recognizing when he's at the edge to not provoke him. She'll see it and still do one more thing, say one more comment and he just explodes. It happening almost nightly lately.  I've researched what to do about kids with tempers, shouting, etc and some of the advice is terrible....tell them to go do cartwheels, or draw. Ummm, when I'm angry that's the last thing I want to do. So, I try the--hey, take some time by yourself, breathe, etc..and come back when you are ready. I have to be firm that emotions are ok....yelling is not. And work on modeling that myself. Maybe it's just a phase he's in...he's about to be 10. He has to somehow get those emotions out, but in a more constructive way. Sigh.

So, lots going on...my kids are busy which means I am busy....I am about to embark on a remodel of some scope...big, or bigger, we shall see.

I turned around in the shower the other day and saw this.  Even when my kids aren't here, they are still with me. My son had taken a shower earlier that morning. HA

And just like that....

And just like that…..The kids started school today!  I now have a 7^th grader and a 4^th grader.  There was such a flurry of activity over the last few weeks that even though I knew it was coming, it snuck up on me in a hurry.  We’ve been so busy with endless Dr. appts, ortho appts, allergy shot appts, a birthday, windows started to get installed on Monday, and my daughter’s last year teacher Mrs. Jackson (her absolute favorite teacher-English) asked if she could help for 2 days-2 hour windows, meet the elementary teacher Monday night. I’ve been driving around like a maniac.

 So last night it was like omg, let’s get outfits ready, let’s get the tag on the backpack for my son—my daughter has had hers packed for a few weeks now. We were smart this year and did school supply shopping about a month ago, so no last minute crazy. They were super silly before bed last night.

 I, myself, was much less anxious starting this school year compared to last year. Mostly because the big change happened last year when my girl moved up to the middle school for 6^th so it was an all new building/location/teachers/schedule, etc.. I was very nervous for her, as was she. However, I am most impressed and happy with how her school year went. She maintained mostly A’s, and B’s in Math, had a social life, got involved in theater and found a new passion….she just blossomed.  The kid I have now is definitely a different version than the one I sent off in 6^th grade. Even comparing last year’s school photo to this one, both of them stretched again. We just had my girl’s 12 year well visit and she is already 5’4” and weighs about 106lbs. She’s got legs for days and is very lean. However, with the growth mentally, there are new things we are discussing like body image (she asks mom, am I fat?, does my hair look okay?). I’m very sensitive to how she views herself and self-image.  It’s of course natural for her to start to look around, notice others, compare herself, etc.. but I want to be sure we talk about distorted thinking i..e she isn’t even close to fat.  I’ve said listen, what you are going through is normal….it’s normal to look at others and then see yourself and question. Everyone has those thoughts like am I good enough? Someone will always be smarter, faster, better nose, etc.. but it’s about how you feel about yourself that is important.  This is an area we definitely need to keep talking.  I think back and I never had these types of conversations w/ my mom.  She was a care-taker, and an amazing one at that….but we just didn’t discuss puberty, boys, self-image, etc. and I feel like it’s important to open that discussion up. Let her share her worries/fears so she’s at least talking about them versus internalizing.  Funny enough, we went to go see the new movie inside out two for her birthday. She took 3 of her friends and we did dinner and a movie.  It was just the perfect theme for where they are in their adolescence and after the movie she says, welcome to my brain.  She definitely has struggled with anxieties in the past and this summer was pretty good….but with the upcoming school year and real stressers starting, we noticed she wasn’t feeling as good as she could. We’ve been working w/ her doctor and also he recommended therapy, which we are going to start. The two of us have had our struggles with our personalities being very different—me sports-minded, her creative. But the older she’s getting we are communicating better…and she’s still not too big to crawl in my lap in the recliner and we just connect. That touch is so important—for both of us. She’s pretty witty/funny without trying. I’ll laugh at something she said and she’s like, how is that funny? For example this morning I drove her to school and this year they have police directing traffic vs. a teacher. We slowly pulled up to the entrance….she looked and saw pretty heavy-set guy and says, “wow, lay off the donuts”.  Now I’m not a fan of making fun of someone’s weight (including mine), but she somehow knew the concept of police and donuts.  Made me giggle. I am very optimistic about this school year. I think the biggest challenge will be the continued growth of self-image and self-esteem. Academically and socially I’m not super worried.

 That leads me to my son. Hooo-boy.  He’s had his ups and downs this summer. He’s spent the last few weeks constantly provoking his sister (to be fair, she did a lot as well)…and for whatever reason, for him it’s a constant battle over stuff like when they were toddlers. If she has it, he wants it. This silly grey yoga ball has become a “hey, it’s MY turn”….”No, you already had it”….I’m about to pop it and throw it away. Not sure if that’s just where he is developmentally, but it hasn’t been easy.  He’s also still struggled w/ his irritability. He doesn’t have the most patience, and he’s certainly quick to let you know if he doesn’t like something.  I am starting to get the sneaky suspicion he is starting to have anxieties like I did when I was a kid…..at night he worries about something bad happening to me, etc. , and during the day he tends to follow me around the house.  I was just like that as a kid. I used to cry at night thinking something would happen to my mom and get up, go check on her to make sure she was ok. That started really young. He’s starting that same pattern where he comes out sometimes several times a night, finds me, then either sleeps next to me in my bed, or goes to the bathroom and I send him back to his. That worries me because I’m thinking that his irritability is just how his anxiety comes out.  Mental health is such a hard issue to deal with in adults, let alone kids. I wish I could wipe it away for both of them……I wish it was something easier to “fix”….just something I could fix.  For now, I’m just watching and waiting to see how he does. I do think therapy might be good for him, so I’m going to see how the therapist for my daughter is, and perhaps start him as well depending.

That’s not to say all is hard/bad…..he had a ton of fun this summer with all his camps, and I did end up scheduling him for an additional week long soccer camp in August which went over mostly great. He’s so much happier when he’s active and busy….he’s all boy, and I’ve said that from the get-go. Likes to be busy, struggles to entertain himself—wants a playmate at all times, loves sports, loves competition. We probably played hundreds of card games over the summer, as well as banana grams. When we were bored we’d head into my bedroom on the king size bed and all of us play cards together—crazy 8, war, slap jack, old maid, etc..just good wholesome fun. I think we all enjoyed that. I was surprised when we were getting closer to school starting that he seemed excited. When we went to meet the teacher he actually wasn’t irritable and genuinely smiled and talked to some of his friends. That was nice to see.

When both kids woke up this morning they were in good moods to start the year. That’s one thing I’m super thankful for….my kids do a great job of getting themselves up and ready for school. I don’t have to nag, etc. but I still have to remind: brush teeth, etc.. My son is the early bird and his normal wake up time is 6:30-7:00am so getting up this morning was not hard at all.

 As for me? I’m going to decompress these next few weeks, then decide what’s next for me……I do think my brain is ready for something. The windows are currently being installed and should be done next day or two….then I’ve got a guy coming to help choose new trim paint and front door.  I still stay busy w/ my projects, helping my sister w/ her work—she just had an abdominal surgery and is off for now. That’s been a challenge because I’m here and can’t do much for her. The surgery was right during our birthday/back to school preparation and while I technically could have made it there, she wanted me to, I wasn’t in the best place myself when we discussed me going….so for the first time I chose not to be there for her. It was hard, but I’m glad I prioritized me. She just doesn’t have much support or a large friend group, so my brother helped her and I’ve called her 1-2 times a day for last few weeks……wait a minute, I said I was going to talk about me, and there I go discussing my sister and what she’s going through.

I think I’m still a work in progress when it comes to focusing on myself. It’s so much easier to see what others are doing, help them, versus get my sh*& together. I’m not sure what that looks like for me. I think it would be helpful to spend my new alone time since kids back in school thinking about that!