A lot of what I was told when I first had kids is true....a lot of the 'just you wait' or 'you'll see' kind of advice you didn't want to hear back then (at least me anyway) and didn't think much about because I still had babies. I didn't know what they were talking about and really didn't pay much attention because I had enough to focus on--a bit of in the ear out the other.
But, now that my kids are a bit bigger, are a bit older.....the advice given back then seems to be ringing true. The one that comes to mind is: "It doesn't get easier, it gets different". "Bigger Kids = Bigger Problems". Now that I have a 5 and 7 year old yes, physically things are much easier. No more lugging around a diaper bag and stroller and bottles and nuni's and everything that comes with babies and toddlers. They can now buckle themselves in, I just have to sometimes open the door.
But what we are dealing with now I'd take fighting about nap time any day.
About a month ago at night time my daughter came to me crying from her room saying she had a bad dream. I knew she wasn't in there long enough to fall asleep and dream, so I said maybe it was just a bad thought and let's focus on our happy thoughts. That wasn't working so I asked her what she was so upset about. She paused for a minute, then it all came out....she told me she was worried about me dying. Tears streaming down her face.
My stomach just fell. Because.....I used to have the exact same worry when I was her age. That's how my life with anxiety all started. It just hit me that oh no. Oh dear. Oh SH*&t. Is this what she will be facing?
We talked a bit more about the fact that I am here, she is safe, I'm not planning to go anywhere and that I'll likely be an old grandma to her kids someday. She did settle down, but think that was just a blip of what was to come.
I do find that I am still not sure how much of their bigger kid life to write about. One day I think they will come back and read this, or just having others know specific details about my baby...I don't know. I guess I'll just share the details I am comfortable with and see how that goes.
Suffice it to say about 3 weeks ago she had gone to the nurse at school and the nurse told her she might have had signs of fainting. She didn't know what that was so after school into the evening she wasn't acting like herself. I asked if her tummy hurt because we had a virus going around the family...and she finally let it all out that she thought that fainting meant she was going to die (and why a grownup would even say that to a child and not explain it I have no idea. I did talk to the nurse and she did confirm she said it).
Unfortunately that incident started something in her because since then, the poor kid has had physical symptoms of difficulty breathing, throat closing, worried day and night about smells and just about everything, and crying spells where she's been inconsolable. She missed a few days at school because she just wasn't able to function. She's only 7. It has been gut wrenching to see her go through this.
I initially thought (hoped) the symptoms would just go away with some sleep and her feeling better from the virus, but that didn't happen. However, thank the lord that now it's been about 3 weeks or so, they have eased up considerably. She still has worries that she asks me and her teachers about, but it seems to be more manageable.
Since it all started, I've been trying to navigate what do I do, what does she need, where do I take her? It's been really overwhelming without any clear answers. I took her to the pediatrician after the first week and she suggested a play therapist. Then I made some appointments to interview them so we could go. I also talked to the school counselor, the school social worker, her teachers at conferences (they reiterated a lot of what I knew from my girl), her pediatrician again, and made a few other psychologist appointments because the play therapist seems like a joke. I'm having a hard time paying for someone to play jenga with her and not ask any questions.
The hard part about navigating is that there are SO many provides and some take insurance, some don't. What I'm finding is that because our city is so big, that those that are "good"/ "reputable" do not take insurance. That by itself wouldn't be as hard to deal with if they actually had appointments. Some have waitlists until January. I've gotten recommendations from everyone I can ask.
In the meantime I need her to see someone so we've stuck w/ the play therapist until I can find someone else that I think is better for us.
There's nothing worse for me than for my child to be in pain and I can't fix it. I'm thinking this might just be the beginning of a journey......but what I know for darn sure is that I will advocate, advocate, advocate. I will push hard and really do whatever it takes to get us what I think is needed.
It really has been so hard....for all of us. My son doesn't know what's going on but he has picked up my lingo when things get tough.....he says 'Sis, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay'.
Yes, it will be okay, but right now.....it's just hard.
Sunday, October 27, 2019
Wednesday, October 2, 2019
Sweetness
My son surprises me on a regular basis by how much he is a natural care-taker and thinks about others.
In his pre-k 4 class they earn hole punches in a card for behaving, turning in homework pages (thankfully homework is not mandatory), and basically just being a good citizen in the class. He's really caught onto wanting to earn his 'punches'. Once they get 10 they get to pick from the treasure box.
Would you know that this boy decided he wanted to earn a lot of punches so he could go to treasure box and pick out 2 magnifying glasses each: 2 for me, 2 for his sister, and 2 for him. He wanted us all to have a collection! He's been doing homework every day so he can earn as many punches as he can. And then he comes home SO proud that he earned treasure box and brings us our magnifying glass when he earns it. I just shake my head at how thoughtful he is at this young age.
Even tonight....I'm laying in my daughter's bed for her turn to 'talk' before bed. My head propped up on a stuffed Pooh bear, so cozy. He hollers out....."Mom. Do you know why I pick up coins when I find them"? I said no, I sure don't. My girl says, "So you can be rich!".
My son says, "No. I pick them up so I can give them to you".
My heart is melting as I write this out. I always wondered about relationships between mother and son and if it would be different than mother and daughter. I think it is. I think that's also due to the personality of us all. My relationship with both kids is just different.
My son has ALWAYS been the snuggler, hugger, the "I love you" 20 times a day. I love that about him. I've also been more in touch recently with how sensitive he can be. One night during one of our talks he said he just wanted to talk about our day (normally we practice addition at his request). He is SO good with numbers it's kind of crazy. Like 1000 +2000; 25+25+25. At 4 I think that's pretty awesome.
Anyway, he proceeds to tell me he's feeling sad. I could tell he really was starting to feel emotional as his eyes were welling up--so I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He said he had a bad dream the night before and I asked if it was about me and he said no, about him. Then he covers his face and cries real tears.
Oh my heart was breaking for him. It is so hard to see him sad like that (I learned a day later that he dreamed about a volcano erupting and he was there by himself). I scooped him up and rocked him in the chair....we talked about how sometimes we have bad dreams, but maybe now we could think about things that make us happy. I asked him what made him happy and he said...."Hugs".
Melt. My. Heart. Of course I hugged him and gave him so many kisses.....
Aha, that's what it is! He is completely the most affectionate kid.....he loves hugs, kisses, sitting next to me, on my lap, touching my arm.....he just really loves that physical bond.
It's hilarious because my daughter is now at an age where after he gives me a kiss she says, "Ooooh, yuck, you are getting married!". He doesn't care.
I am just so thankful I have such a sweet sweet boy. He dearly loves his mama, that much is apparent. When I ask at school about my son the typical adjective is: Sweet. He tells his teachers he loves them (after he gets to know them of course). I could just eat it up.
He's turning 5 this month. I know in the years to come mom might not be so cool, he may pull away from my hugs and kisses....but until then, I'll store them up and take all that I can get. There is nothing better than having your child look you right in the eye and say, "I love you". And tenderly give you a sweet kiss on the cheek.
He's also at an age where we are finding humor together...something happened I don't recall and he looked at me, I looked at him....and be both smiled. Both in on the same joke. It was soooo cool.
I think I've figured this out about my kids....now I could be wrong, but it kind of just feels like my daughter will be blazing new trails while my son is making sure everyone is okay!
I really am loving the transition to having bigger kids.
In his pre-k 4 class they earn hole punches in a card for behaving, turning in homework pages (thankfully homework is not mandatory), and basically just being a good citizen in the class. He's really caught onto wanting to earn his 'punches'. Once they get 10 they get to pick from the treasure box.
Would you know that this boy decided he wanted to earn a lot of punches so he could go to treasure box and pick out 2 magnifying glasses each: 2 for me, 2 for his sister, and 2 for him. He wanted us all to have a collection! He's been doing homework every day so he can earn as many punches as he can. And then he comes home SO proud that he earned treasure box and brings us our magnifying glass when he earns it. I just shake my head at how thoughtful he is at this young age.
Even tonight....I'm laying in my daughter's bed for her turn to 'talk' before bed. My head propped up on a stuffed Pooh bear, so cozy. He hollers out....."Mom. Do you know why I pick up coins when I find them"? I said no, I sure don't. My girl says, "So you can be rich!".
My son says, "No. I pick them up so I can give them to you".
My heart is melting as I write this out. I always wondered about relationships between mother and son and if it would be different than mother and daughter. I think it is. I think that's also due to the personality of us all. My relationship with both kids is just different.
My son has ALWAYS been the snuggler, hugger, the "I love you" 20 times a day. I love that about him. I've also been more in touch recently with how sensitive he can be. One night during one of our talks he said he just wanted to talk about our day (normally we practice addition at his request). He is SO good with numbers it's kind of crazy. Like 1000 +2000; 25+25+25. At 4 I think that's pretty awesome.
Anyway, he proceeds to tell me he's feeling sad. I could tell he really was starting to feel emotional as his eyes were welling up--so I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He said he had a bad dream the night before and I asked if it was about me and he said no, about him. Then he covers his face and cries real tears.
Oh my heart was breaking for him. It is so hard to see him sad like that (I learned a day later that he dreamed about a volcano erupting and he was there by himself). I scooped him up and rocked him in the chair....we talked about how sometimes we have bad dreams, but maybe now we could think about things that make us happy. I asked him what made him happy and he said...."Hugs".
Melt. My. Heart. Of course I hugged him and gave him so many kisses.....
Aha, that's what it is! He is completely the most affectionate kid.....he loves hugs, kisses, sitting next to me, on my lap, touching my arm.....he just really loves that physical bond.
It's hilarious because my daughter is now at an age where after he gives me a kiss she says, "Ooooh, yuck, you are getting married!". He doesn't care.
I am just so thankful I have such a sweet sweet boy. He dearly loves his mama, that much is apparent. When I ask at school about my son the typical adjective is: Sweet. He tells his teachers he loves them (after he gets to know them of course). I could just eat it up.
He's turning 5 this month. I know in the years to come mom might not be so cool, he may pull away from my hugs and kisses....but until then, I'll store them up and take all that I can get. There is nothing better than having your child look you right in the eye and say, "I love you". And tenderly give you a sweet kiss on the cheek.
He's also at an age where we are finding humor together...something happened I don't recall and he looked at me, I looked at him....and be both smiled. Both in on the same joke. It was soooo cool.
I think I've figured this out about my kids....now I could be wrong, but it kind of just feels like my daughter will be blazing new trails while my son is making sure everyone is okay!
I really am loving the transition to having bigger kids.
Saturday, September 21, 2019
Is it 2016?
I am completely feeling like we are back to when my daughter was 3 1/2 and my son was 11/2 and weekends were a battleground. I come up for air on Mondays. That’s just what’s been happening here for last month or so.
Take today for example. I figured since we had a birthday party for my son’s classmate at a roller rink that we’d have a good day, be active, do something fun......well....the morning started out okay but by 11:00am it started to go downhill from there. At the party we got skates on, got the walkers they use, and were trying it out in the practice area. It was so loud with the music, there was a hundred birthdays going on at once, so also crowded. My girl was having a great time trying to get more and more independent skating while my son tried it for 5 minutes and pretty much had it. I was walking behind him and the walker holding him up by his shorts—sweating. Fun times.
Took a break to eat the crappy pizza, then cake etc and they wanted to skate more.
I can call it crappy because I technically paid for some of them.. Since my son was invited I’m still trying to navigate how to manage parties with both kids. If I don’t bring both then I’m paying to leave one home. So I texted the mom ahead of time and asked her if I could bring my daughter as well but would pay for her. The mom said sure. So I made sure to give the mom cash today.
Anyway, after lunch my son just started melting. He said his tummy hurt, then said it was fine? My girl wanted to skate more on the big rink, so we all go, but then they kicked my son and I off since he ditched skates and was just in socks. He starts whining and throwing himself around, she’s wanting me to watch her....clearly I needed a second set of hands.i could sense the start of meltdown city so I told her she could go a few more rounds while I wrangle my crying son into his shoes. I did feel bad because she was having so much fun and even skated without the walker! I just had to get him outta there. All the way home he’s fussing and bickering with his sister.
Then, after rest time he’s much better but then it was her turn the rest of the day. Ooooh boy. Let me tell you she’s been really exhausting during the weekends. Lots of backtalking, no patience, not wanting to play with her brother. Not much works except separating them so she spent time in her room. There’s usually a trigger with her and it’s tired, hungry, or sick. Not sure which it was today. By the time dinner rolled around and was ready she was on verge of a major.
I’m spent. Refereeing these two is exhausting and I really do wish today I could have had someone pick either of them up. I truly think both of them needed mom time also since my girl has been verbalizing she wants me to play with only her. I did my best to occupy my son so she and I could get out the face paints but today it just wasn’t enough.
Even last weekend when we went to a birthday party at a home for one of my girls classmates—my son just didn’t do well. He hid under my shirt, was a lot sassy, didn’t know what he wanted. In general, he just doesn’t do well in new places with new people. He needs a lot of time to warm up and I think those situations are just overwhelming to him. I’m still a bit surprised by this because I still have this view that he’s more easy going than my girl. He’s not.
She, on the other hand, is the complete opposite and loves parties and people and get togethers. She wears herself out playing and just enjoying it all. Maybe just the difference between introvert and extrovert?
I don’t know but taking my son to parties is hard work and exhausting.
My son in general had been having a tough time over the last month. He was sick for about a full month, then started school and that was no bueno. The five days a week plus two afternoons was way too much. The weekend after his first week was intolerable so I kept him home two days the following week and also changed him to 1 afternoon.
I do think the nanny change is sinking in now so that might also be part of it. I don’t think he understood at first that our nanny wasn’t coming back. We had that interim one for two weeks, then our new one, and I think he thought she was temporary too. He’s been asking a lot now about when the old one is coming back. I’ve tried to be soft about the explanation and say she is taking care of her daughter so we have a new one now who’s going to be with us.
I thought I got off pretty easy when he wasn’t talking about our old one but now I get that he just didn’t fully understand and was confused. Rightfully so the kid is only 4. The good news is that while he has been asking, he is not crying about her. He does seem sad at times but I just acknowledge his feelings and hope with time it will get better.
My daughter truly doesn’t seem to mind she’s not here. She was very distraught that first night but since then has been quite resilient and talks about her in normal conversation but it doesn’t seem to be affecting her.
So in a nutshell I do think my son has had a hard time adjusting to our new normal with different nanny, going back to school, and on top of being sick for so long. My girl is doing okay during the week but the weekend is circa 2016 and it’s been tough.
I’m hanging in there. I just keep thinking January can’t come fast enough. I’ve got some big programs I’m working on at work so I’ve got some pressure with those. I’ve continued working mostly from home and it’s not great but I can’t get it together to get in office. I did finally see our work provided counselor who goes to campus 2 days a week. Interestingly her other 3 days are spent counseling families at the big cancer hospital my mom and I went to. We talked some about that time in my life and gosh is it still painful. It’s harder to talk through when I’m on the verge of tears anyway for feeling so bleh. She and I made an appointment again for next week so will see how/where it goes.
Some good news not sure I mentioned but I rented construction house!! While it was listed for sale a couple who had seen it when it was first listed for rent asked if they could still lease. They live down the street and are renovating their house. I said sure! Now, they have a dog and two kids, but this option gives me time to think about what I really want to do with it. My realtor friend keeps telling me she thinks I’ll move us there. Who knows? Maybe after I leave Corp America for a bit I’ll want to try something new with kids. I’m still so disappointed there aren’t kids in our current cul de sac. I am planning on staying here through school year then see where I want my son to start kinder next fall. It’s exciting to think about.
Take today for example. I figured since we had a birthday party for my son’s classmate at a roller rink that we’d have a good day, be active, do something fun......well....the morning started out okay but by 11:00am it started to go downhill from there. At the party we got skates on, got the walkers they use, and were trying it out in the practice area. It was so loud with the music, there was a hundred birthdays going on at once, so also crowded. My girl was having a great time trying to get more and more independent skating while my son tried it for 5 minutes and pretty much had it. I was walking behind him and the walker holding him up by his shorts—sweating. Fun times.
Took a break to eat the crappy pizza, then cake etc and they wanted to skate more.
I can call it crappy because I technically paid for some of them.. Since my son was invited I’m still trying to navigate how to manage parties with both kids. If I don’t bring both then I’m paying to leave one home. So I texted the mom ahead of time and asked her if I could bring my daughter as well but would pay for her. The mom said sure. So I made sure to give the mom cash today.
Anyway, after lunch my son just started melting. He said his tummy hurt, then said it was fine? My girl wanted to skate more on the big rink, so we all go, but then they kicked my son and I off since he ditched skates and was just in socks. He starts whining and throwing himself around, she’s wanting me to watch her....clearly I needed a second set of hands.i could sense the start of meltdown city so I told her she could go a few more rounds while I wrangle my crying son into his shoes. I did feel bad because she was having so much fun and even skated without the walker! I just had to get him outta there. All the way home he’s fussing and bickering with his sister.
Then, after rest time he’s much better but then it was her turn the rest of the day. Ooooh boy. Let me tell you she’s been really exhausting during the weekends. Lots of backtalking, no patience, not wanting to play with her brother. Not much works except separating them so she spent time in her room. There’s usually a trigger with her and it’s tired, hungry, or sick. Not sure which it was today. By the time dinner rolled around and was ready she was on verge of a major.
I’m spent. Refereeing these two is exhausting and I really do wish today I could have had someone pick either of them up. I truly think both of them needed mom time also since my girl has been verbalizing she wants me to play with only her. I did my best to occupy my son so she and I could get out the face paints but today it just wasn’t enough.
Even last weekend when we went to a birthday party at a home for one of my girls classmates—my son just didn’t do well. He hid under my shirt, was a lot sassy, didn’t know what he wanted. In general, he just doesn’t do well in new places with new people. He needs a lot of time to warm up and I think those situations are just overwhelming to him. I’m still a bit surprised by this because I still have this view that he’s more easy going than my girl. He’s not.
She, on the other hand, is the complete opposite and loves parties and people and get togethers. She wears herself out playing and just enjoying it all. Maybe just the difference between introvert and extrovert?
I don’t know but taking my son to parties is hard work and exhausting.
My son in general had been having a tough time over the last month. He was sick for about a full month, then started school and that was no bueno. The five days a week plus two afternoons was way too much. The weekend after his first week was intolerable so I kept him home two days the following week and also changed him to 1 afternoon.
I do think the nanny change is sinking in now so that might also be part of it. I don’t think he understood at first that our nanny wasn’t coming back. We had that interim one for two weeks, then our new one, and I think he thought she was temporary too. He’s been asking a lot now about when the old one is coming back. I’ve tried to be soft about the explanation and say she is taking care of her daughter so we have a new one now who’s going to be with us.
I thought I got off pretty easy when he wasn’t talking about our old one but now I get that he just didn’t fully understand and was confused. Rightfully so the kid is only 4. The good news is that while he has been asking, he is not crying about her. He does seem sad at times but I just acknowledge his feelings and hope with time it will get better.
My daughter truly doesn’t seem to mind she’s not here. She was very distraught that first night but since then has been quite resilient and talks about her in normal conversation but it doesn’t seem to be affecting her.
So in a nutshell I do think my son has had a hard time adjusting to our new normal with different nanny, going back to school, and on top of being sick for so long. My girl is doing okay during the week but the weekend is circa 2016 and it’s been tough.
I’m hanging in there. I just keep thinking January can’t come fast enough. I’ve got some big programs I’m working on at work so I’ve got some pressure with those. I’ve continued working mostly from home and it’s not great but I can’t get it together to get in office. I did finally see our work provided counselor who goes to campus 2 days a week. Interestingly her other 3 days are spent counseling families at the big cancer hospital my mom and I went to. We talked some about that time in my life and gosh is it still painful. It’s harder to talk through when I’m on the verge of tears anyway for feeling so bleh. She and I made an appointment again for next week so will see how/where it goes.
Some good news not sure I mentioned but I rented construction house!! While it was listed for sale a couple who had seen it when it was first listed for rent asked if they could still lease. They live down the street and are renovating their house. I said sure! Now, they have a dog and two kids, but this option gives me time to think about what I really want to do with it. My realtor friend keeps telling me she thinks I’ll move us there. Who knows? Maybe after I leave Corp America for a bit I’ll want to try something new with kids. I’m still so disappointed there aren’t kids in our current cul de sac. I am planning on staying here through school year then see where I want my son to start kinder next fall. It’s exciting to think about.
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
Rocky start
Well......suffice it to say that the start of this school year has been rough. This is week three for my girl as she started August 14th. The first three days were great. She loved being back, knew the school, etc.. and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Then that weekend on Sunday my son picked up a virus. Pretty high fever on/off so mid that week I took him to the Dr. to test for strep. Thankfully it was negative, but he still was consistently getting fevers. He's still sick right now and it's day 10. It's moved to his chest and his sinuses and he's been coughing so terribly and still on/off fever. I'm trying everything to help get him some relief like motrin/tylenol and Dr. recommended zar.bees for cough, even zyr.tec to dry things up.....nothing is really knocking it out, but it's managing to give him some relief sometimes. I've even pulled out the rx cough medicine so he can at least sleep and not be woken up every hour with fits of coughing. This is a nasty virus. AND, Im pretty sure he picked it up from one of the play places. Those places make me cringe, but man the kids love them.
So, with my son being pretty sick for what seems like a long time now, my girl's first 3 days were good, but then the second week was the first full week. Towards middle of week things started to go downhill. By wednesday she had decided to completely empty out all the bins and bookshelves in the toyroom so it looked like a tornado went through there. She’s never done anything like that. At the same time she was showing signs of being exhausted (very fussy, only wanted to watch tv, short-tempered). Then by Thursday night she was just done. She was crying, very emotional....she had just had it. So, because I know my kid I said a full week of school right now is just too much for her, it’s enough. I told her she could stay home on Friday and we would have some special time together. She was like, yes!. She initially said she wanted to go just in the morning and I would pick her up at lunch, but in the morning I asked her if she just wanted to stay home all day. I ended up taking a vacation day so I could spend time w/ her and my son, poor sick kid. I took her to a special lunch, then I surprised her by asking if she wanted to go get pedicures for the first time. She jumped up and down for joy and was SO excited. That right there was enough for me to know I had made the right decision. I think the school days are too long for these kids (at least mine) and I think they just need more downtime. They go all day from 8-3:20pm, then come home and do whatever homework is assigned (in second grade!), then they eat dinner and barely have time to relax before it's bedtime and do it all over again. I’ve felt this way since she’s been in all day public school last year.
We both really enjoyed the pedicure. We tried a new place and the ladies were so nice to her since it was her first 'real' one. They gave her a little toy, some cookies, and even painted a teeny tiny flower on her big toes. She loved it. I did too as it gave me time to just be with her, no distractions, and in a relaxing environment. Ahhhhh.
It was good for me too because I have to say, I'm in a bit of a slump. It started with after the surgery I had a bit of a dip from all the medications, which is what I expected. But the physical recovery took a while...I still feel pulling, aching, etc. and it's been over two months. I think emotionally, though, I'm kind of not all back yet. A big reason is that I've been working from home mostly and I do that from my room in my bed. I don't have a dedicated office so when kids are home, it's the quietest place. But, that means I sit cross legged or lie down most of the day and hardly move except to go out and eat lunch. I have started to call my bedroom 'the cave'....because that's how it's been feeling. The walls are closing in a bit, so I just need to go to the office. But, I've been drinking caffeine a lot lately, don't go to sleep until like 1am, then I am so groggy because I've been up a few times w/ a sick kid and then they are up at 6:40am or later if I'm lucky. I feel so tired in the morning that the thought of getting myself ready to go in the office feels overwhelming. Im probably feeling a bit depressed and need to break the cycle and just change it. For those that know how it feels, that is completely easier said than done. Things just feel so heavy.
I think I just have to suck it up and change it up. Part of me keeps rationalizing, though, that I just have to hang in there only for a few more months. See, ive decided I'm going to take the plunge and leave corporate america in January. I’ve thought about this and stewed on this for so long and probably even mentioned it on here for a few years. I think I really have gotten to a point to say I’m ready. There is fear, of course....but I just won’t let it stop me. It’s kind of like taking my safety net/blanket (what I’ve known/done for 16 years) away so it causes me to be a bit anxious. But, the timing is great as my incentives will have all been paid out, and I've been working on my financial plan since having kids so I can have choices. Another big driver other than being burned out by the machine, is that I truly think unless I change something.....nothing will change. From a health perspective I'm the heaviest I've ever been and frankly so tired of being tired and sweaty all the time. I feel like something needs to give in order to free up time for me to focus on me. I haven't figured out a way to do it in the 7 years I've had children and been a single parent. I keep thinking that if I can just take something off my plate for awhile I will have that time to put back into myself.
So, I'm thinking to start out w/ a year. Give myself a year to refocus. I get excited just thinking about it. I can hardly wait......lots of changes come with completely changing my lifestyle....and I need to be sure I'm starting to think through what those challenges might be....will I be lonely? Will I stress about healthcare/insurance? Will I even like it?
More to come but I'm always looking for the what next, and at least as of now....that's my plan!
So, with my son being pretty sick for what seems like a long time now, my girl's first 3 days were good, but then the second week was the first full week. Towards middle of week things started to go downhill. By wednesday she had decided to completely empty out all the bins and bookshelves in the toyroom so it looked like a tornado went through there. She’s never done anything like that. At the same time she was showing signs of being exhausted (very fussy, only wanted to watch tv, short-tempered). Then by Thursday night she was just done. She was crying, very emotional....she had just had it. So, because I know my kid I said a full week of school right now is just too much for her, it’s enough. I told her she could stay home on Friday and we would have some special time together. She was like, yes!. She initially said she wanted to go just in the morning and I would pick her up at lunch, but in the morning I asked her if she just wanted to stay home all day. I ended up taking a vacation day so I could spend time w/ her and my son, poor sick kid. I took her to a special lunch, then I surprised her by asking if she wanted to go get pedicures for the first time. She jumped up and down for joy and was SO excited. That right there was enough for me to know I had made the right decision. I think the school days are too long for these kids (at least mine) and I think they just need more downtime. They go all day from 8-3:20pm, then come home and do whatever homework is assigned (in second grade!), then they eat dinner and barely have time to relax before it's bedtime and do it all over again. I’ve felt this way since she’s been in all day public school last year.
We both really enjoyed the pedicure. We tried a new place and the ladies were so nice to her since it was her first 'real' one. They gave her a little toy, some cookies, and even painted a teeny tiny flower on her big toes. She loved it. I did too as it gave me time to just be with her, no distractions, and in a relaxing environment. Ahhhhh.
It was good for me too because I have to say, I'm in a bit of a slump. It started with after the surgery I had a bit of a dip from all the medications, which is what I expected. But the physical recovery took a while...I still feel pulling, aching, etc. and it's been over two months. I think emotionally, though, I'm kind of not all back yet. A big reason is that I've been working from home mostly and I do that from my room in my bed. I don't have a dedicated office so when kids are home, it's the quietest place. But, that means I sit cross legged or lie down most of the day and hardly move except to go out and eat lunch. I have started to call my bedroom 'the cave'....because that's how it's been feeling. The walls are closing in a bit, so I just need to go to the office. But, I've been drinking caffeine a lot lately, don't go to sleep until like 1am, then I am so groggy because I've been up a few times w/ a sick kid and then they are up at 6:40am or later if I'm lucky. I feel so tired in the morning that the thought of getting myself ready to go in the office feels overwhelming. Im probably feeling a bit depressed and need to break the cycle and just change it. For those that know how it feels, that is completely easier said than done. Things just feel so heavy.
I think I just have to suck it up and change it up. Part of me keeps rationalizing, though, that I just have to hang in there only for a few more months. See, ive decided I'm going to take the plunge and leave corporate america in January. I’ve thought about this and stewed on this for so long and probably even mentioned it on here for a few years. I think I really have gotten to a point to say I’m ready. There is fear, of course....but I just won’t let it stop me. It’s kind of like taking my safety net/blanket (what I’ve known/done for 16 years) away so it causes me to be a bit anxious. But, the timing is great as my incentives will have all been paid out, and I've been working on my financial plan since having kids so I can have choices. Another big driver other than being burned out by the machine, is that I truly think unless I change something.....nothing will change. From a health perspective I'm the heaviest I've ever been and frankly so tired of being tired and sweaty all the time. I feel like something needs to give in order to free up time for me to focus on me. I haven't figured out a way to do it in the 7 years I've had children and been a single parent. I keep thinking that if I can just take something off my plate for awhile I will have that time to put back into myself.
So, I'm thinking to start out w/ a year. Give myself a year to refocus. I get excited just thinking about it. I can hardly wait......lots of changes come with completely changing my lifestyle....and I need to be sure I'm starting to think through what those challenges might be....will I be lonely? Will I stress about healthcare/insurance? Will I even like it?
More to come but I'm always looking for the what next, and at least as of now....that's my plan!
Friday, August 16, 2019
Back to School already
It's kinda weird. I felt like we had the whole summer ahead of us, so much time to do all the things we wanted to do and then BAM....back to school really snuck on me. I think it's because a lot happened over this summer...my surgery, first basketball season, getting construction house on the market after a whole year, our nanny quitting, 2 week everyday swimming lessons, a seventh birthday party, using the back up nanny care for two weeks, then finding a new nanny, then school started!
Some great news.....my care ad did result in us hiring a new nanny. I interviewed her a few weeks ago, then I called her references which were glowing, then last Saturday the kids and I met her at a restaurant. My daughter was very taken by her and during our lunch she leaned over and said, "Mom, can she be our nanny?" My son on the other hand, all of this change has been harder on him. He was very shy when our back up nanny came, Pascale was her name. She was from Cameroon originally and was very sweet with the kids. She gave these great big hugs and my son was in them pretty quickly that day, thankfully. She definitely looked after the kids, but I realized that cleaning up their messes wasn't her strong suit. At times there were papers all over, paint on the walls, in the bathroom, glitter everywhere, etc.. But honestly I figured for two weeks, it's fine. Knowing I still needed to find new care it was still a bit stressful for me. I worked from home most of those two weeks which allowed the kids (and me) to feel more comfortable, but was harder for me. Also, since she wasn't allowed to drive, they still had their second week of swimming lessons I took them to everyday.
Anyway, our new nanny started Monday of this week. She is younger, 23 to be exact, and had been a nanny for two years with a family in her hometown. She and her sister decided to move away from home to the 'big city' so that's what brought her here. What I noticed off the bat was she is very mature for her age. After spending time with her I also noticed she is very calm. That is SO good for our house since we all three can get worked up a bit. My son's into hollering right now. About most everything. She is also quite bright. I can tell she has a future when she decides to go back to school.
So, it did take a few days with my son because he had just started to get into a routine w/ Pascale and then she was gone, now a new one. I completely get it. It's been a lot of change over the last month for him. I think now that it is day five, it's gotten much better. He's been hugging on her and she will play endless card games with him, so he's more content.
I will feel more settled once we go through the expectations sheet, etc. and figure out what schedule we actually will follow. She's now working 7-5:30 M-F until my son goes back to school after labor day. Then I have to decide whether I am going to put him in afternoon classes a few days a week and maybe just not have her come until the afternoon for pick up. That would leave me to take them in the morning. I just don't have enough for her to do all day if the kids are in school until the afternoon. I had actually posted for a full time or part time nanny, but I was mostly seeing full time.
We'll make it work. As I mentioned in my last post, we aren't looking back about old nanny. In a nutshell, I was working w/ her on some behaviors that we struggled w/ for a good long while--the phone and texting was one of them. The kids were telling me she was constantly on her phone ( I saw it too)...my son would tell me she wouldn't play with him at the park anymore and would just sit there on her phone. And when i asked she didn't deny it. She was having so much going on her personal life w/ her daughter and husband--like crazy things involving police since October of last year, that she was also just showing up exhausted, very short w/ the kids, etc... Anyway, I was trying to work w/ her and I think she just felt the heat. Now that the kids were older they were telling me more about what they didn't like. I also told her given all the stuff happening at her house, I didn't want the kids going over there. I also learned she was doing a ton of personal errands and asked her to limit that. There were also other things that just keep adding up. It got to the point where I started looking up 'when is it time to get a new nanny'. So, after a few tough conversations she basically just quit. The way in which she did it said a lot about her, though, because she did it out of spite and anger. Which in turn shocked and hurt my children. There is no excuse for not giving a notice period (which I had even suggested to her before if she felt like things weren't going well and she was unhappy) when you are dealing with a 4 and 6 year old. Can't comprehend after 4 years her leaving like that. On top of all that after she left my daughter happened to mention she saw her pick up phone in car and even text. Completely unacceptable and she was well aware of that. But like I said, the kids have been so much more resilient that I expected and couldn't be more grateful. My son has hardly mentioned her, but my daughter has asked a time or two about her before we got our new nanny. I think with our new routine it will just become a memory soon enough.
And already Wednesday of this week we are back to school. My daughter started second grade. I have a seven year old. We went to meet the teacher this past Monday....and are also trying to survive the heat right now. August in the south is basically stepping into a heated sauna every time you open the door. It's gross. Today was so hot I could hardly stand it. Anyway school.
We are back in the same school we were in last year, public school, and it actually felt nice to 'go back' to somewhere I was already familiar with. Same halls, same procedures, etc.. There's so much less stress when you know what to expect. I think my girl felt the same way because she was hugging some of the staff she knew at meet the teacher night and telling me all about the school. The first three days they allow parents to walk kids to their classrooms so on Wednesday I had nanny drive and I got out w/ my girl. We headed in the school and she was so excited I could hardly keep up w/ her. I finally said I needed to hold her hand so she wouldn't get too far ahead. And lo and behold when we got to the classroom she dropped my hand. My heart broke a little. She settled herself in just fine, gave me hugs (whew I still got those), and off I went.
Last year I walked with her all three days but Wednesday night she comes and says, 'Mom, I may want to walk by myself to class tomorrow'. Outwardly I said, Sure thing...whatever you are comfortable with. On the inside I was crying like a baby. Like wow only one day of walking to class?
Sure enough we dropped her off in the back of school yesterday and today....all by herself. As I looked back and watched her walking in with her emoji backback I did get me some tears.
It's been very tiring for her, but she's hanging in there. Thankfully they didn't give kids homework on the first 3 days.
I am not surprised by her wanting to do it herself. She's been wired since birth to be independent and pretty convicted in what she wants. I am trying my best to be supportive of her, let her know that I will always hold her up, although we may not always agree. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a 12 year old, not a 7 year old. She still likes having our little birthday parties at our house like before....this year her theme was Poke.mon. It was so fun ordering the plates, etc.. and letting her help pick out the cake this year. Really just so nice and relatively easy.
It really has been a whirlwind of a summer. Not sure I mentioned but we spent 4th of July in a hotel up the road. We had so much fun w/ the kids jumping from bed to bed, watching the fireworks out of the window we could see so many different displays of them. We got to order in pizza, swim in the pool, and eat an awesome continental breakfast. They loved it. in fact my girl talked about it tonight and asked if we could make it a tradition. Sounds like a good one to me!
I have started to organize some before and after pictures of construction house and will put them out here soon enough. Until then, some pics from the birthday and first day of school.
Some great news.....my care ad did result in us hiring a new nanny. I interviewed her a few weeks ago, then I called her references which were glowing, then last Saturday the kids and I met her at a restaurant. My daughter was very taken by her and during our lunch she leaned over and said, "Mom, can she be our nanny?" My son on the other hand, all of this change has been harder on him. He was very shy when our back up nanny came, Pascale was her name. She was from Cameroon originally and was very sweet with the kids. She gave these great big hugs and my son was in them pretty quickly that day, thankfully. She definitely looked after the kids, but I realized that cleaning up their messes wasn't her strong suit. At times there were papers all over, paint on the walls, in the bathroom, glitter everywhere, etc.. But honestly I figured for two weeks, it's fine. Knowing I still needed to find new care it was still a bit stressful for me. I worked from home most of those two weeks which allowed the kids (and me) to feel more comfortable, but was harder for me. Also, since she wasn't allowed to drive, they still had their second week of swimming lessons I took them to everyday.
Anyway, our new nanny started Monday of this week. She is younger, 23 to be exact, and had been a nanny for two years with a family in her hometown. She and her sister decided to move away from home to the 'big city' so that's what brought her here. What I noticed off the bat was she is very mature for her age. After spending time with her I also noticed she is very calm. That is SO good for our house since we all three can get worked up a bit. My son's into hollering right now. About most everything. She is also quite bright. I can tell she has a future when she decides to go back to school.
So, it did take a few days with my son because he had just started to get into a routine w/ Pascale and then she was gone, now a new one. I completely get it. It's been a lot of change over the last month for him. I think now that it is day five, it's gotten much better. He's been hugging on her and she will play endless card games with him, so he's more content.
I will feel more settled once we go through the expectations sheet, etc. and figure out what schedule we actually will follow. She's now working 7-5:30 M-F until my son goes back to school after labor day. Then I have to decide whether I am going to put him in afternoon classes a few days a week and maybe just not have her come until the afternoon for pick up. That would leave me to take them in the morning. I just don't have enough for her to do all day if the kids are in school until the afternoon. I had actually posted for a full time or part time nanny, but I was mostly seeing full time.
We'll make it work. As I mentioned in my last post, we aren't looking back about old nanny. In a nutshell, I was working w/ her on some behaviors that we struggled w/ for a good long while--the phone and texting was one of them. The kids were telling me she was constantly on her phone ( I saw it too)...my son would tell me she wouldn't play with him at the park anymore and would just sit there on her phone. And when i asked she didn't deny it. She was having so much going on her personal life w/ her daughter and husband--like crazy things involving police since October of last year, that she was also just showing up exhausted, very short w/ the kids, etc... Anyway, I was trying to work w/ her and I think she just felt the heat. Now that the kids were older they were telling me more about what they didn't like. I also told her given all the stuff happening at her house, I didn't want the kids going over there. I also learned she was doing a ton of personal errands and asked her to limit that. There were also other things that just keep adding up. It got to the point where I started looking up 'when is it time to get a new nanny'. So, after a few tough conversations she basically just quit. The way in which she did it said a lot about her, though, because she did it out of spite and anger. Which in turn shocked and hurt my children. There is no excuse for not giving a notice period (which I had even suggested to her before if she felt like things weren't going well and she was unhappy) when you are dealing with a 4 and 6 year old. Can't comprehend after 4 years her leaving like that. On top of all that after she left my daughter happened to mention she saw her pick up phone in car and even text. Completely unacceptable and she was well aware of that. But like I said, the kids have been so much more resilient that I expected and couldn't be more grateful. My son has hardly mentioned her, but my daughter has asked a time or two about her before we got our new nanny. I think with our new routine it will just become a memory soon enough.
And already Wednesday of this week we are back to school. My daughter started second grade. I have a seven year old. We went to meet the teacher this past Monday....and are also trying to survive the heat right now. August in the south is basically stepping into a heated sauna every time you open the door. It's gross. Today was so hot I could hardly stand it. Anyway school.
We are back in the same school we were in last year, public school, and it actually felt nice to 'go back' to somewhere I was already familiar with. Same halls, same procedures, etc.. There's so much less stress when you know what to expect. I think my girl felt the same way because she was hugging some of the staff she knew at meet the teacher night and telling me all about the school. The first three days they allow parents to walk kids to their classrooms so on Wednesday I had nanny drive and I got out w/ my girl. We headed in the school and she was so excited I could hardly keep up w/ her. I finally said I needed to hold her hand so she wouldn't get too far ahead. And lo and behold when we got to the classroom she dropped my hand. My heart broke a little. She settled herself in just fine, gave me hugs (whew I still got those), and off I went.
Last year I walked with her all three days but Wednesday night she comes and says, 'Mom, I may want to walk by myself to class tomorrow'. Outwardly I said, Sure thing...whatever you are comfortable with. On the inside I was crying like a baby. Like wow only one day of walking to class?
Sure enough we dropped her off in the back of school yesterday and today....all by herself. As I looked back and watched her walking in with her emoji backback I did get me some tears.
It's been very tiring for her, but she's hanging in there. Thankfully they didn't give kids homework on the first 3 days.
I am not surprised by her wanting to do it herself. She's been wired since birth to be independent and pretty convicted in what she wants. I am trying my best to be supportive of her, let her know that I will always hold her up, although we may not always agree. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to a 12 year old, not a 7 year old. She still likes having our little birthday parties at our house like before....this year her theme was Poke.mon. It was so fun ordering the plates, etc.. and letting her help pick out the cake this year. Really just so nice and relatively easy.
It really has been a whirlwind of a summer. Not sure I mentioned but we spent 4th of July in a hotel up the road. We had so much fun w/ the kids jumping from bed to bed, watching the fireworks out of the window we could see so many different displays of them. We got to order in pizza, swim in the pool, and eat an awesome continental breakfast. They loved it. in fact my girl talked about it tonight and asked if we could make it a tradition. Sounds like a good one to me!
I have started to organize some before and after pictures of construction house and will put them out here soon enough. Until then, some pics from the birthday and first day of school.
Monday, July 29, 2019
Recovery and since then.....
So to sum up two whole posts: I had an incarcerated hernia, ER visit, surgery the next day where they cut out some stuff, sewed things back together and sewed in some mesh, and left me a nice small incision. I stayed two nights in the hospital and went home on Sunday with some pain medication.
Let me just say, "recovery", though, was a bit of crap show. First off, as a single parent to a 4 and 6 year old....there is no down time. Our nanny stayed all day Sunday/Sunday night, but went home Monday at end of work day. Our old nanny didn't come until Wed or Thursday so I still was up and around w/ our regular routine to get the kids to bed. The hardest part I remember was I usually lie w/ my girl in her bed every night. She asked me to do it and I said I'd try....ouch on that one.
They do want you to get up and around and not just lie there but the biggest issue I had was fatigue. My body really just needed me to slow down so it could recover. I have no idea why I couldn't wrap my mind around that. I had major, open, abdominal surgery. Anesthesia, medication, etc....of course it was going to take time.
BUT, so much was going on during those first few weeks out. I wasn't having stabbing pain so I just pushed through. The kids started a new basketball league on Saturdays and I just wasn't going to miss it. Yes, one week post-op I sure went and sat on some really hard bleachers to support my littles. Although I look back and physically, it was just a lot. I was still wearing the burrito wrap. And the kicker is we were assigned a time slot of 7:45am. For the past almost two months we've been lugging ourselves to our games at that time in the morning. WHY do they schedule like that?? They don't tell you up front--that's how they get you--they say oh, the games will start anywhere between 8:00-9:30am. I'm thinking sure, cool. This 7:45 bit is for the birds.
The other thing was this league was a whole new thing for us....it was SO crowded, the kids had never played on a basketball court and didn't really know what they were doing, their main coaches weren't there for some reason...I was really stressed out watching it so much so that I almost started crying. I think physically, mentally, and emotionally I was in a tough place. Thankfully it's gotten much better and they kids have really liked it. I think it's ok. It's just not as structured and based on fundamentals as their soccer seasons were.
In addition to the basketball that Saturday I was also making a final push to get construction house finished to get on the market to rent. There were people in and out and I needed to be there several times to get a lot of things done. One day I spent 4 hours there. All while trying to 'recover'.
The good news is.......it's on the market for rent, but I haven't rented it yet. I'm actually thinking of selling it in order to take those funds and perhaps do another one. Not right now, of course. The only reason I wanted to keep it at all was to let the market catch up so i would at least make some money OR potentially live there. I actually have the opportunity now to go live there and it just doesn't feel right...so will see what happens.
Another crazy thing was when I was discharged from the hospital I had gotten a release from them saying I could go back to work the following Monday so off for a week. I thought that seemed so short, but hey, if that's what they said. I was dreading work that coming Monday and just had no energy for it, but did it anyway (all from my bed, thankfully, since sitting up was not easy) until Wednesday when I had the surgeon follow up visit. That's when they told me ummmm why are you working? You aren't supposed to be released until you see the surgeon, and even then, most people are off for up to a month. They asked me if I had a c-section and I was off for probably 8 weeks with that. So what's crazy to me is why didn't anyone tell me that when I was in the hospital? So I went back out on sick leave until July 8th. Basically I was only out about 2 1/2 weeks.
And the bummer too is that when I was taking the pain meds it was fine, but weaning off of them was not fun...I usually get an emotional dip if i have to take them and sure enough, it got me again.
Overall it's just felt hectic. A lot going on, not a ton of support other than a few days from old nanny, and it took a lot out of me physically and mentally. It took about 3 weeks to even start to think I was getting better....4 weeks slightly better, but I have to say I'm still feeling some effects (some pings/zings, fullness, tenderness) now and I'm 6 weeks out. I am very thankful I went to the Dr., though, and didn't put it off longer. It was pretty serious and needed to be taken care of when it was.
Since then I've struggled a bit....I've been working from home a lot and my sleep has been pretty poor. So then I've been drinking caffeine, which makes my sleep worse, and the cycle continues. Just last week I thought I needed to do something different like perhaps add in Vit B and not take a multi vitamin. It has helped a bit in my energy level.
In case that wasn't enough....another major happening here: Last Thursday my nanny of 4 years decided to quit---just like that. At the end of the day she said she was done. No notice, no nothing. It's a long story and I'm just too tired to type it all out but what I will say is the shock and pain she caused my kids was horrible and inexcusable. I'm trying not to focus on negative feelings because at the end of the day, karma. And, after that tough night on Thursday they haven't been nearly as distraught as I thought they might be.. Honestly they've both been quite content having mama around. So.....onwards. Not looking back on that one.
A positive thing to come out of it is I've been so exhausted at the end of the day since Fri, Sat, Sun and tonight we've been together all day...I've actually slept.
The new babysitter through my work benefit of backup care starts tomorrow and she will be here to cover for this week and next. In the meantime I've been scrolling through applicants on my care ad. It may take some time, though.
Always something.
Let me just say, "recovery", though, was a bit of crap show. First off, as a single parent to a 4 and 6 year old....there is no down time. Our nanny stayed all day Sunday/Sunday night, but went home Monday at end of work day. Our old nanny didn't come until Wed or Thursday so I still was up and around w/ our regular routine to get the kids to bed. The hardest part I remember was I usually lie w/ my girl in her bed every night. She asked me to do it and I said I'd try....ouch on that one.
They do want you to get up and around and not just lie there but the biggest issue I had was fatigue. My body really just needed me to slow down so it could recover. I have no idea why I couldn't wrap my mind around that. I had major, open, abdominal surgery. Anesthesia, medication, etc....of course it was going to take time.
BUT, so much was going on during those first few weeks out. I wasn't having stabbing pain so I just pushed through. The kids started a new basketball league on Saturdays and I just wasn't going to miss it. Yes, one week post-op I sure went and sat on some really hard bleachers to support my littles. Although I look back and physically, it was just a lot. I was still wearing the burrito wrap. And the kicker is we were assigned a time slot of 7:45am. For the past almost two months we've been lugging ourselves to our games at that time in the morning. WHY do they schedule like that?? They don't tell you up front--that's how they get you--they say oh, the games will start anywhere between 8:00-9:30am. I'm thinking sure, cool. This 7:45 bit is for the birds.
The other thing was this league was a whole new thing for us....it was SO crowded, the kids had never played on a basketball court and didn't really know what they were doing, their main coaches weren't there for some reason...I was really stressed out watching it so much so that I almost started crying. I think physically, mentally, and emotionally I was in a tough place. Thankfully it's gotten much better and they kids have really liked it. I think it's ok. It's just not as structured and based on fundamentals as their soccer seasons were.
In addition to the basketball that Saturday I was also making a final push to get construction house finished to get on the market to rent. There were people in and out and I needed to be there several times to get a lot of things done. One day I spent 4 hours there. All while trying to 'recover'.
The good news is.......it's on the market for rent, but I haven't rented it yet. I'm actually thinking of selling it in order to take those funds and perhaps do another one. Not right now, of course. The only reason I wanted to keep it at all was to let the market catch up so i would at least make some money OR potentially live there. I actually have the opportunity now to go live there and it just doesn't feel right...so will see what happens.
Another crazy thing was when I was discharged from the hospital I had gotten a release from them saying I could go back to work the following Monday so off for a week. I thought that seemed so short, but hey, if that's what they said. I was dreading work that coming Monday and just had no energy for it, but did it anyway (all from my bed, thankfully, since sitting up was not easy) until Wednesday when I had the surgeon follow up visit. That's when they told me ummmm why are you working? You aren't supposed to be released until you see the surgeon, and even then, most people are off for up to a month. They asked me if I had a c-section and I was off for probably 8 weeks with that. So what's crazy to me is why didn't anyone tell me that when I was in the hospital? So I went back out on sick leave until July 8th. Basically I was only out about 2 1/2 weeks.
And the bummer too is that when I was taking the pain meds it was fine, but weaning off of them was not fun...I usually get an emotional dip if i have to take them and sure enough, it got me again.
Overall it's just felt hectic. A lot going on, not a ton of support other than a few days from old nanny, and it took a lot out of me physically and mentally. It took about 3 weeks to even start to think I was getting better....4 weeks slightly better, but I have to say I'm still feeling some effects (some pings/zings, fullness, tenderness) now and I'm 6 weeks out. I am very thankful I went to the Dr., though, and didn't put it off longer. It was pretty serious and needed to be taken care of when it was.
Since then I've struggled a bit....I've been working from home a lot and my sleep has been pretty poor. So then I've been drinking caffeine, which makes my sleep worse, and the cycle continues. Just last week I thought I needed to do something different like perhaps add in Vit B and not take a multi vitamin. It has helped a bit in my energy level.
In case that wasn't enough....another major happening here: Last Thursday my nanny of 4 years decided to quit---just like that. At the end of the day she said she was done. No notice, no nothing. It's a long story and I'm just too tired to type it all out but what I will say is the shock and pain she caused my kids was horrible and inexcusable. I'm trying not to focus on negative feelings because at the end of the day, karma. And, after that tough night on Thursday they haven't been nearly as distraught as I thought they might be.. Honestly they've both been quite content having mama around. So.....onwards. Not looking back on that one.
A positive thing to come out of it is I've been so exhausted at the end of the day since Fri, Sat, Sun and tonight we've been together all day...I've actually slept.
The new babysitter through my work benefit of backup care starts tomorrow and she will be here to cover for this week and next. In the meantime I've been scrolling through applicants on my care ad. It may take some time, though.
Always something.
Tuesday, July 23, 2019
ER Part 2
I know when I'm reading a blog and someone goes silent, especially after something major happened, I always just wonder if they are ok. I should have put a post up sooner to say I'm okay. Surgery went ok and recovery....just ok, tougher than I expected.
To back up.....yes, I ended up in the ER much closer to my house. When I arrived there I thought I had made a great choice because there was only one other person in the waiting area. Turns out that they just triage folks faster and have a secondary waiting area once you've been assessed. So once I was in the back I kept wondering what now? I wonder if this is a major thing going on or they will just send me home. I was surprised that it really didn't take too long for them to come get me for labwork/start an IV, then shortly after they came to get me and said I needed to do a CT scan to see what going on. If you've ever had one, you know you get to drink two bottles of this very sweet liquid. Ugh. I chugged it as fast as I could because drinking it slow just made me feel yuck.
Once I was finished I had to wait awhile then the tech came to get me, in the machine I went, and back out to the same waiting area. Now, after I was done....that wait was much longer.
I had gotten up to pace a bit when the Dr. finally came back....it was really strange he just came up close, sort of ushered me forward and said they were going to put me in a room. He was very calm so I just thought, ok sure, I'll head back to a room. Once I got back there I finally asked if everything was ok and he said they need to check out a few things. I asked if I had a problem w/ the hernia and he said it looked to be the case. I'm not usually ok with vagueness, but for some reason I just did as I was told.
Once I got on the gurney the fun began....the Dr. said he was going to push on my stomach to see if he could shove things back where they belong. What the crap?! I'm not kidding when I say he started pushing and it felt like his fingers were pressing through my abdomen to my back. I hollered out a few times. He said the nurse would come and give me some morphine and they would then try again. I kept thinking, oh my gosh....I'm here all by myself and this really hurts.
The nurse came in and gave me a shot of morphine.....and all of a sudden my throat started closing up and things got a bit spacey. I was soon able to breathe better again, but then noticed after she left my arm was turning red. It was traveling up my arm and my shoulder. I sat there a bit not sure what to do since no one had come back to check on me. Finally a nurse walked by and I asked if she could please help me. She came in, looked at my arm, and said oh my goodness. I don't remember exactly what they did to help me but I was able to lay there ok. I had an allergic reaction to it apparently.
I waited and waited for the Dr. to come back and try again, but he just wasn't coming.
The nurse had stopped back and I asked her what was going on and she said she thought she heard Dr. say I was going to be admitted. Ah crap. I laid there a bit longer and finally Dr. came back and said that I was going to be admitted for surgery the next day. He said he consulted with the surgeon and surgeon said they couldn't manually fix the issue--turns out it was an incarcerated hernia which basically means things came out and got stuck, which is not good.
So, off I was wheeled up to the surgical floor.
Then the scrambling came in.....this honestly is one of my worst fears as a single parent. Me being out of commission, having to have surgery, not knowing what exactly to do. I have no local family and I learned from last time being in a hospital, it just isn't a great place to be all by yourself. So, I checked in with the three closest friends I have here. Turns out, all of them were out of town--one already out, one heading out of the country, and the other one heading out too. One of them was my realtor friend who happened to be the same one who came to the ER to be with me when I had the blod clot as 6 weeks pregnant with my daughter. I have to say I kind of panicked a bit. I texted my sister across the country as she was on a trip to Arizona and while I knew she couldn't get here, I could at least check w/ her. And wouldn't you know she didn't text/call back until much later.
Old nanny was 5 hours away but unless she drove through the middle of the night she wouldn't make the 8 am surgery the next day. We did talk and she thought it would probably be better for her to come a few days after surgery so she could help take care of me/kids.
I can say I haven't felt that alone in well.....I can't even say. I didn't want nanny to come by because she would have to bring kids and that just wasn't an option to me. The nurses kept asking if I had anyone coming and my answer was always no. Speaking of nanny, I had to work hard to convince her she didn't need to go to her second job the following night. She was trying to see if her daughter (the one she is having major issues with) could watch the kids so she could go. Not no, but hell no. Finally I told her I would write a note or call her other job if I had to in order for her to be able to stay with the kids. She finally agreed. Once I got that sorted I did feel some sort of relief.
I basically just accepted that I would be having surgery by myself and that was that. They kept a lot of medication in my system so I did sleep alot anyway...I would say by the time I was admitted (maybe around 6 pm on the Friday) I had surgery already first thing the next morning by 8. It all happened really fast from Dr. appointment, to ER, to admitting, to surgery....all in less than 24 hours.
Since I missed the dinner window in the hospital they said they couldn't let me order anything from cafeteria. And I was hungry, darn it. So, what does a person do when they are hungry? Order pizza. They told me I wasn't restricted w/ my food and just don't eat after midnight. Ok then. Of course in hindsight this was not a great idea because your digestion pretty much stops w/ all the medications and anesthesia.
On Saturday they wheeled me down and again asked if someone was waiting for me. Felt about the same as when I had a prenatal check up and they kept asking where my husband was. Surgery in general went well, I had about a 4 inch incision above my belly button and was wrapped in a abdominal compression garment.
This is turning out to be a long post so I will continue with Part 3, and don't plan to wait another month to finish!
To back up.....yes, I ended up in the ER much closer to my house. When I arrived there I thought I had made a great choice because there was only one other person in the waiting area. Turns out that they just triage folks faster and have a secondary waiting area once you've been assessed. So once I was in the back I kept wondering what now? I wonder if this is a major thing going on or they will just send me home. I was surprised that it really didn't take too long for them to come get me for labwork/start an IV, then shortly after they came to get me and said I needed to do a CT scan to see what going on. If you've ever had one, you know you get to drink two bottles of this very sweet liquid. Ugh. I chugged it as fast as I could because drinking it slow just made me feel yuck.
Once I was finished I had to wait awhile then the tech came to get me, in the machine I went, and back out to the same waiting area. Now, after I was done....that wait was much longer.
I had gotten up to pace a bit when the Dr. finally came back....it was really strange he just came up close, sort of ushered me forward and said they were going to put me in a room. He was very calm so I just thought, ok sure, I'll head back to a room. Once I got back there I finally asked if everything was ok and he said they need to check out a few things. I asked if I had a problem w/ the hernia and he said it looked to be the case. I'm not usually ok with vagueness, but for some reason I just did as I was told.
Once I got on the gurney the fun began....the Dr. said he was going to push on my stomach to see if he could shove things back where they belong. What the crap?! I'm not kidding when I say he started pushing and it felt like his fingers were pressing through my abdomen to my back. I hollered out a few times. He said the nurse would come and give me some morphine and they would then try again. I kept thinking, oh my gosh....I'm here all by myself and this really hurts.
The nurse came in and gave me a shot of morphine.....and all of a sudden my throat started closing up and things got a bit spacey. I was soon able to breathe better again, but then noticed after she left my arm was turning red. It was traveling up my arm and my shoulder. I sat there a bit not sure what to do since no one had come back to check on me. Finally a nurse walked by and I asked if she could please help me. She came in, looked at my arm, and said oh my goodness. I don't remember exactly what they did to help me but I was able to lay there ok. I had an allergic reaction to it apparently.
I waited and waited for the Dr. to come back and try again, but he just wasn't coming.
The nurse had stopped back and I asked her what was going on and she said she thought she heard Dr. say I was going to be admitted. Ah crap. I laid there a bit longer and finally Dr. came back and said that I was going to be admitted for surgery the next day. He said he consulted with the surgeon and surgeon said they couldn't manually fix the issue--turns out it was an incarcerated hernia which basically means things came out and got stuck, which is not good.
So, off I was wheeled up to the surgical floor.
Then the scrambling came in.....this honestly is one of my worst fears as a single parent. Me being out of commission, having to have surgery, not knowing what exactly to do. I have no local family and I learned from last time being in a hospital, it just isn't a great place to be all by yourself. So, I checked in with the three closest friends I have here. Turns out, all of them were out of town--one already out, one heading out of the country, and the other one heading out too. One of them was my realtor friend who happened to be the same one who came to the ER to be with me when I had the blod clot as 6 weeks pregnant with my daughter. I have to say I kind of panicked a bit. I texted my sister across the country as she was on a trip to Arizona and while I knew she couldn't get here, I could at least check w/ her. And wouldn't you know she didn't text/call back until much later.
Old nanny was 5 hours away but unless she drove through the middle of the night she wouldn't make the 8 am surgery the next day. We did talk and she thought it would probably be better for her to come a few days after surgery so she could help take care of me/kids.
I can say I haven't felt that alone in well.....I can't even say. I didn't want nanny to come by because she would have to bring kids and that just wasn't an option to me. The nurses kept asking if I had anyone coming and my answer was always no. Speaking of nanny, I had to work hard to convince her she didn't need to go to her second job the following night. She was trying to see if her daughter (the one she is having major issues with) could watch the kids so she could go. Not no, but hell no. Finally I told her I would write a note or call her other job if I had to in order for her to be able to stay with the kids. She finally agreed. Once I got that sorted I did feel some sort of relief.
I basically just accepted that I would be having surgery by myself and that was that. They kept a lot of medication in my system so I did sleep alot anyway...I would say by the time I was admitted (maybe around 6 pm on the Friday) I had surgery already first thing the next morning by 8. It all happened really fast from Dr. appointment, to ER, to admitting, to surgery....all in less than 24 hours.
Since I missed the dinner window in the hospital they said they couldn't let me order anything from cafeteria. And I was hungry, darn it. So, what does a person do when they are hungry? Order pizza. They told me I wasn't restricted w/ my food and just don't eat after midnight. Ok then. Of course in hindsight this was not a great idea because your digestion pretty much stops w/ all the medications and anesthesia.
On Saturday they wheeled me down and again asked if someone was waiting for me. Felt about the same as when I had a prenatal check up and they kept asking where my husband was. Surgery in general went well, I had about a 4 inch incision above my belly button and was wrapped in a abdominal compression garment.
This is turning out to be a long post so I will continue with Part 3, and don't plan to wait another month to finish!
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