Chewing

I noticed baby girl has been chewing a lot/and hard on everything.  Her toys, towels, tubed things like sunscreen bottles, and now her new one is my face. Seriously....I thought she was coming in for a big open mouthed kiss when all of a sudden...CHOMP! Oh man did that hurt. I said OW, that hurt mama. That's what I tell her when she does something that hurts.....she's started hitting too when I pick her up. She starts slapping my skin on my neck/chest. Everytime she does that now I say OW, that hurts mama, and now put her down. Last night she threw a fit, but she has to learn.
anyway, the reason why she is chewing is.........teeth galore! I don't know why I don't realize it until I see more teeth. Poor baby has teeth breaking through skin all over her mouth. On the top and two places on the bottom.....one looks like a molar (or two). It looks painful because just the 4 corners are popped out of her gums, w/ more to go.

She also stood by herself w/out holding on to anything for several seconds on Sunday. We were playing on the carpet and I was lying next to her--she uses me as her personal jungle gym. Then she pulled up on the couch and simply let go.....and stood there for a few seconds. I clapped like a ridiculously proud mama.  Also yesterday when we were at the bath she normally leans over to look, but stood up holding on to the side--and let go again.  She stood there for a few second before sitting down.  Oh boy, we know what's coming next....WALKING!  Our nanny has been working w/ her on walking by holding on to her two hands and letting her 'walk' around.  Doesn't bother me, but I can say I'm not in a hurry for this one. I know she'll be able to do it soon enough. She's a fast crawler, but not too fast that I can't get her easily. Walking will be another story.

As for me, I am still waiting on all my results regarding the testing we did for my excessive sweating problem.  The blood work came back and it was all normal. That's good. We are still waiting on another test to come back. One thing that showed up was I am Vitamin D deficient. Not surprising since I spend zero time outdoors. It's too stinkin hot here in the summer. So, will get more advice from Dr. on what he wants to me do.

Not sure if I mentioned but I am trying to build my mom circle of friends. I went to SMC event recently where there were lots of moms, and lots of kids. From thinkers, to pregnant, to brand new baby, to toddlers, to almost teenager.  It was nice to meet them, but I honestly didn't get much quality time to spend chatting w/ them.  My baby was crawling everywhere and putting everything in her mouth, with me not far behind.  I tried to strike up a conversation w/ several of the moms.  Not sure I felt a 'click' w/any of them, per se, but I will go again if they have another event. I found that some of them knew each other for a long time, and some brand new to the group. But I didn't get the sense from any new ones like myself that they were looking to make new friends.
Also, the younger girls loved the babies, mine especially, and carried her and followed her all over. That was great, but sure enough my baby ended up getting sick....started w/ the runny nose, but ended up w/a 101.4 degree fever. She was burning up so I took her to the Dr. and sure enough she got a virus.  And guess who got to have it all this past weekend? Mama!
That's the one thing I just struggle w/ taking her places.....like to events, the y, whatever....seriously anytime I take her out she gets something....and her runny noses last forever.

I also joined a local mom club. Soon realized they don't have scheduled meet ups, and people use it mostly for classifieds/referrals.  I did spend one evening scouring the site and took down a ton of referrals--like contractors/handy  men, etc...so not a total waste. I even emailed one of the moms who posted she was looking for a play date. And wouldn't you know, she's moving!

I've just started looking around to grow my circle......can't say anything yet has been overly successful, but I certainly won't give up.  I am proud that I've stepped out to make connections because my preference is, well, to not do that.

The other big thing is I've got a first birthday to plan that will happen in a few weeks......I already have in mind this is going to be small, quiet, and intimate. We aren't going anywhere, we will have cake, we will have a few people, and for the heck of it, some birthday hats. I need to get on top of it, though, and at least send an evite or something.  I have big ideas about getting baby girl a super cute dress, but haven't even made it to the store yet.  Planning is not my forte.  I like to be a bit more 'flexible' shall we say.

I also rented the treadmill again. It got delivered this saturday. I haven't used it yet since I've been sick. But, I will get on that darn thing.  It was delivered the same time I had a mold inspector at the house. For some reason I've had terrible allergies that turns into asthma for the last few months. I now need to take allergy meds everyday. So, long story short no mold, but the guy recommended a complete vacuum of the 50 year old insulation in the attic, new insulation, and a whole house air filter.  sounds expensive.  However, can't do that until I get my A/C fixed i.e. rebalanced. It is cold in front bed, medium in baby, then warm in mine.
This is when I would like a husband to just handle this stuff.  It is a lot when you are a single mom, work full time, and have to take care of a house. Sheesh.
Just typing it all out is making me tired.

11 months--Tantrums, swimming, and a whole bunch of other stuff

I went to the Dr. today (IVF doctor)--he is a reproductive endocrinologist...no I didn't move up my consult for baby  #2, I'm just having such a hard time w/ the excessive sweating, fatigue, and not sleeping great (that's an ongoing issue). Boy o boy.  It just isn't normal.  Just the other day I had lunch w/ someone I hadn't seen in a long time.  I literally had to use the napkin to wipe my forehead off about 10 times during lunch--and then when I got up my pants were almost wet.  Yuck.  I do have the consult scheduled in late August, but I think it's important to get things sorted ahead of time w/ my body. He is initially thinking it's thyroid-related, but he ordered a lot of blood work/tests to see where we are at.  Some good news about the visit: all along the Dr. has been great, but the issue was his staff was a mess (remember took a year to get the insurance finally sorted and get my 1k refund?). Well, to my surprise the receptionist is no longer there?!! I was just so excited about this. She was pretty nasty and I thought about going elsewhere because I just didn't want to deal w/ that woman. So great news there. AND, there was a finance person who remembered me from last time (really smart/sweet) and came to give me a hug, asked about the baby, when for number 2.  What a difference!!  

Something that's been on my mind lately and I'm still lamenting over is the lack of 'community'. One thing I am doing, and am proud of, is going to a SMC get together. Never been to something like this, but I am hopeful I make some connections w/ the moms. 
More what I am lamenting over is this: I DO have good friends from my work circle. I am just not sure if my work circle friends think I don't need help because I don't ask? I was thinking these past few days......I can't remember the last time, well, ever, really.....that someone just e-mailed or called and said hey, let me watch the baby while you go do X, Y, Z.  I have a lot of friends that visit, but in terms of helping w/ the baby, not really so much. I'm not sure if I shouldn't expect that even because heck, most of them don't have babies, maybe don't relate? or maybe they don't want to, or maybe they think I have it under control and don't need any help.......not sure.  Part of me feels uncomfortable even thinking this way because in actuality, she is MY baby and I shouldn't rely on friends to help out. I think that's where it stings more that I don't have family around.  (One caveat is I do have one work friend that does help regularly by accompanying me w/baby to stores, plays w/ her while I get ready, etc..I tell her every time how much I appreciate her.)
Not sure even what to do about this, but clearly I need to grow my mom friend circle. I've read in other blogs how some SMC women rely on each other a lot.....like hey, you take my baby today, and I'll take your baby tomorrow.....I would love that kind of set up. Just  not sure how to find it yet.

I've also been on the hunt for daycare or preschool next year.  I think we are still okay w/ the nanny for now, but most of the places around me have a year wait-list.....so, that means if I even want to do something different, I have to check them out now.  I haven't been too impressed w/ the 2 preschools I went to.  They were in old converted bungalows (read small) and that bothers me a lot. It just seems so.....congested w/ kids!  Minimally I want to put her in preschool a few days a week when she is two. So, I have to keep looking. There is one daycare I want to check out for FT care because they are recommended highly....but also have a one year wait list.

On to baby girl.....one of her newest things (other than her 6th tooth at 11 months now) is TANTRUMS. Oh....my....word.....!! She now has an opinion on what she should be doing and where she wants to be.  If I take away something (like the soap she figured out how to open) melt-down city. Throws herself to the ground, screams, wiggles around.....I asked my nanny if this is normal this early, and she said it usually comes later.....lucky me!  The one that got me, though, is the camera. I was playing w/ it and looking at pics. She saw me and crawled over reaching for it.  I turned it off and gave it to her. She Screamed and threw it down. I was like, oh em gee, does she want it only if it's on? I took it back, turned it on, give it back to her.....magic, she was just fine. I thought no way, is this for real? so tested it again......sure enough, off=scream. on=fine.  Aside from the screaming, I think that's pretty impressive for a baby not even a year to discriminate something was different, she didn't like it, and communicate that. Maybe all babies do this, who knows.

On the flip side of the tantrums, she is doing some really cute stuff. For example, she uses me laying on the floor like her personal mountain. She crawls all over me and falls to the other side.  She also likes to "share" now.  She might have something in her mouth (remote, toy) and will take it out and try to put it in my mouth.  She's babbling constantly. She says babababababababa, gagagagagagagaga, mamamamamammama. Sometimes, just two syllables like mama. So technically it is a word, but she's not relating it to me yet, I don't think. She wears size 4 diapers and is eating the crawler baby food and still on formula. She's tasted real fruits like peach, grape, banana, strawberry. She also eats adult cereal pieces.  She doesn't like the babyfood spaghetti.

She's also been swimming about 3 times now. I can't really tell if she likes it. She doesn't cry, but she's not jumping up and down and giggling w/ pure glee. She'll go for about 30 minutes w/ me holding her, floating her, twirling her around, sitting on the steps....and then I can tell when she starts to be about done.

Here she is checking out the sunscreen ahead of time. The cap is on, BTW.

Here's what she thought of the hat when she first tried it on....um, no hat mama.

And finally, something else she did for the first time........her first ART PROJECT w/ the nanny.
I found this on the fridge today. So stinkin cute.

Utterly Sad Day

So, not sure if you all remember my prior posts about my kitty. I have two, but this one is the smaller one, striped, hasn't really taken to the baby, vomits regularly, kidney disease.  (Gosh, my eyes are just so red and raw they hurt to blink....ever have that?)

When my baby girl started to become more active and in his space, he acted out a lot--this was about when she was 3-4 months old. He peed a lot everywhere and he actually pooped twice in the living room.  At the time I was at my wits end and took him to the vet thinking he had a bladder infection. Nope, just mild inflammation of his bladder--and his kidney disease had somewhat stabilized w/the daily gel I gave him in his wet food.  Over time and since then, we've had our ups and downs.  About every 2-3 weeks he goes into his vomiting spells--not just hairballs (cough cough), but full on vomiting where his whole stomach lurches and the entire contents come out. Most of the time after he eats, so it looks exactly like it did when I put it in his bowl.  I have to give him wetfood everynight, because if he eats just dry food....more vomiting. I also put his medicine in there for his kidneys.  Basically he has become pretty high maintenance for a cat.

I had talked to the vet about 3 months ago and we discussed the whole situation......and she told me about a similar situation w/ her friend that when a baby came into the picture, it made him anxious and act poorly.  It was stressful for the cat who was not used to the noise, lack of attention, and general disruption to his life. We talked about the pros/cons of what I could do....shelters, putting him down, behavior therapy, etc. and she helped me come to the conclusion that giving him to a shelter would be the easy thing to do (since they would put him down anyway because of his health), and that I should be responsible for my cat. I agreed and made an appointment a few months ago to put him to sleep.

On the day I was supposed to take him over there I just couldn't. My heart was screaming this wasn't the right time, don't go.  So, I simply cancelled the appointment.

I've let things go since then.  Until now.

Just last week I was thinking things had been settling down and we were somewhat status quo.  Well, that quickly turned again.  I was on the phone w/ my friend and I went in the front room where I had some sheets on the couch. I laid down and as I was bringing the sheet up noticed it was soaking wet...I smelled it.....he had just peed on it.  WTF! I ended up throwing the sheets in the laundry.  Then, a few days later I was playing w/ baby girl near her toys in the living room on the carpet and happened to lay my head on the floor.  Guess what I smelled? Sure enough.....cat pee in front of her play area....and this was not fresh. I have no idea how long it had been there.

Something in me clicked.  I can not have this around my baby. Yes, I love my cats but there is nothing that will stop me from keeping a safe, clean, sanitary environment for my baby.  I kept thinking to myself this week, what am I waiting for......does he need to pee ON my child for me to do something about this? How many more vomiting sessions, how many more attacks on his brother (I can't use my speaker on cell phone--freaks him out and he attacks his brother), how much more does his kidney disease need to progress, how much more does he need to freak out every time the baby starts crawling towards him. Let's not forget that mama is the one who has been cleaning all this up over the years....

So, on Friday I made an appointment w/ the vet for today.  His vet that's been following him wasn't working today, but that was okay with me.

I am so emotionally exhausted, I don't want to relive all the details of today.  What I will share is that I was not at all prepared for how utterly hard this is/was.....I was at peace w/ the decision, but I didn't realize that I would still feel the guilt, utter sadness, and anxiety (like I did something wrong, should I have waited). Not to mention how much pure, gut-wrenching sobbing I would do...I haven't cried this hard in a very long time.  My heart physically hurt.....really really tough.

However, I'm not a religious person and hardly spiritual.....but when I went out to my car, all of a sudden my phone fritzed out.  Maybe coincidence.  I have been sneezing nonstop all day....nothing like this ever before.....maybe coincidence. 

Or maybe it's his energy, or my mom's.......telling me it's going to be okay. 

Bold Move

I don't know what's gotten into me, but I'm already thinking about the holidays.  Last night I was laying on the floor (after I rolled off the couch) and was planning to get up. But, I just laid there in the quiet and some thoughts came to me. I don't have fun w/ my extended family at Thanksgiving. I really don't.  It's like we fly up and are there, but are there on our own.  

Our whole lives we've gone to my mom's brother's for Thanksgiving. I used to absolutely love it growing up (my cousin is only a few weeks older than I am), and the fun/activities we used to do, so much fun. Over time as my mom got sick, it got harder and harder....and looking back I realized she was the center of that fun.  She was warm, loving, inclusive, and always was planning something cool for us to do.....roller skating, we always bought our live christmas tree there and hauled it back 5 hours home on the top of the car, we visited her mom's grave (which was always so touching since she passed away when my mom was only in her 20's), we ate popcorn balls in my grandpa's basement when he was still alive, going to fish fry's....oh the memories...just wonderful.

Now, fast forward to after my mom passed and the first year I didn't go. Just couldn't.  However, the last four years I've gone, and took baby girl last year.  It was important for me to take her to meet them since they are, of course, her blood family/second cousins, etc..Even though the travel was okay, we just didn't interact very much....remember I had to ask my aunt to hold the baby.....it's like we all get together for the meal, catch up somewhat awkwardly since we really only see them once a year, then next day we split off and do shopping--I go only w/ my sister, then we get back together to celebrate a birthday on Friday night, then we go home on Saturday.  Frankly, I talk more to my cousin on the phone then I do in person when we are there. She's got four kids, is busy, and does her own thing.  I also realized the whole family is not extremely warm.....they don't hug/smile a lot.  I'm making them out to sound miserable, they really aren't.
It just is somewhat awkward, not really a lot of fun.

I realized I was going out of a made up obligation in my mind, versus really looking forward to going.  That's just not what I want for me, or for my girl.

So, I have one of the best friends ever and his family has been the polar opposite of what I described above w/ my daughter.....they have mailed her gifts for holidays, sent cards on mother's day, we did f.a.c.etime when they visited my friend in the northeast so they could see the baby. I have kept them up to date w/ emails and pictures.  It was funny, but when we were on the phone face chat, my friend called his parents grandma and grandpa to my daughter....and at first I was like, ooooh, I hope they are okay w/ that....and then I thought, I DO want them to be like that for my daughter.  That's exactly what I would pick out for her---I can see them light up when she comes to their house, fawn over here, want to hold her, play w/ her etc. We got none of that at my extended family.  Sure they held her a bit, but when the excitement wore off, they were just fine to just hang out.

So.....I made the bold decision.  I am not going to my extended family for Thanksgiving. I just booked a flight to my friend's parent's house up north.  I feel so good about it, too.

It's more about what memories do I want to start creating for my daughter.  That's not to say we won't ever go again to my family, but for this year, this seems right.  I really want them to meet her in person, instead of just pictures and video.  And get this, it's not just my friends parents that I am excited to see.....both of his grandparents are still living.  That would be like great grandparents for my daughter.  How cool is that.......

On another note, I cancelled my appointment for my consultation.  I was super busy last Wednesday and decided it can wait.  Actually, it's a good thing I did because when I called to reschedule the woman (who was one of the only ones who had it together last go round) told me it's better if I wait even longer so I don't have to re-do anything and all of my labs will be very fresh. I told her what the original lady said that if I got testing now, it's good for 6 months....she said that even if they did it now, many of them they would re-do anyway closer to Sept/Oct.
Glad I didn't waste my time. So now I am not scheduled to go until August. She also thought ahead and not only will I go for consult, but I will have blood labs, and HSG (w/ the dye to check my tubes, etc. and it hurt last time), and an annual.

I am set. Now, back to focusing on losing weight and getting a bit more healthy. I am proud of how I have done w/ my eating, but I haven't gotten in the groove for exercise. I am almost thinking I need to rent the treadmill again. I know it didn't work well last time, but thinking back to that...just had the baby, was up every three hours, still in high learning curve.....last thing I wanted to do was get on a treadmill.  But, now we are in a groove, she goes to bed routinely at the same time so I can do it after she goes to sleep, and I've refocused.

Boo-Boos, teeth, and tantrums

Baby girl just got her 5th tooth! She has the two middle bottom and two middle top. She now has one more to the left of her top two teeth. Those suckers haven't even made their way all the way down yet, and she is getting another. And boy is she chewing. On anything!! She likes my feet. When she thinks I'm not watching, or even if I am....she crawls on over and CHOMP.  Seriously. I mostly can stop her before she gets them, but sometimes she gets me. And man it hurts w/ those teeth now.

She had her first boo-boo this past weekend. Some friends were over and she wanted to touch and experience everything, even the can one of my friends had. Well, she was playing w/ it and then all of sudden she screamed....I saw blood and we thought at first she cut her lip. Then we saw her hand. Poor little girl, she sliced the tip of her thumb.  She stopped crying, but the blood just wouldn't stop. I used a burpee cloth and we kept putting pressure on it, but it woudn't stop. I was thinking this might be her first stitches if we can't get it under control.  We ran her hand under the sink, then applied 3 bandaids to keep the pressure, and from her chewing through them.  Eventually it did stop, whew. I tried to stay calm, but inside my stress level went up like 50.  It's a good thing she wasn't screaming throughout, and thankfully she was sort of wondering what the big deal was.

First Boo Boo

Just today I'd say she had her first good tantrum.  Well, she had one other small episode at the store when I took something away to pay for it, but this was louder and worse. Something was spilled on the carpet and I had to spray it and put papertowel over it. Well, she was bound and determined to crawl over and get it. She would crawl, but I held on to her shorts so she couldn't get over there. She wailed and threw herself on the ground, rolled some, and tried again.....I kept her hold of her shorts and said that it wasn't for her. Oh wow, you would have thought I pulled out a fingernail. She had real tears, scrunched up face, tense body, turning red, and made this aaaaaaaahhhhhh sound, her angry cry. She was mad. I tried to distract her and finally gave up and said it was bathtime. It didn't help that she was super tired and it was her crabby time -between 5-6pm.

We also went to a birthday party this weekend over at the park. I live in the south and it is starting to get super super hot. and with my sweating problem, by the time we walked over to the park I was drenched, my face was red, and I was mopping my brow. We said hello, happy birthday, stepped into the splashpad, and booked it home. I was soooo hot that I took a cold shower, and 2 more later that day. Sounds dramatic, but my body just can't take the heat anymore.

I also have my Dr.consult on Wednesday this week to talk baby #2. I would imagine he would want to run some labs, etc.. and I have no idea what to expect from my bodyi.e. how things are since  a year and a half ago. I'm a bit hesitant to go back to his office because the office management was terrible, rude...it took me a year to get my over a thousand dollar refund from them. A joke.  Anyway, I hope things have changed w/ that, because he is a very calming, good Dr. and let's face it, we were successful.  Good news is I didn't change jobs so whatever procedure we do will be covered. There are those extras that will still cost, but not nearly as much. I expect us to go straight to IVF. Will see. My plan is still October/November time frame....if I feel differently later, than will revisit.

Nanny update

Gosh, where to begin w/ this one.  This has really been a learning experience for me....some good things, some not so good.  I found her through word of mouth. She is a few years older than me w/ a 22, 20, and 9 year old. She is a single mom. Speaks spanish, and english very well. She started w me part time while I was on my 3 month leave, then went full time until now as baby girl is 10 months old.

I'll begin w/ the good--she absolutely LOVES my baby.  She is happy to see her in the morning, she says she misses her on Monday after not seeing her all weekend.  And baby girl returns the sentiment by flapping her arms, smiling, and making noises when nanny shows up in the morning.  Baby is very comfortable w nanny, as I see them interact on the day that I am home. They give kisses to each other, very very good stuff.  And nanny has been pretty reliable--even if sometimes a little late.  Also, she cleans other areas of my house just because....like scrub down of my bathroom, baby's bathroom, takes out garbage/recycling, brings in mail, does dishes everyday. She'll also do laundry for baby, and sometimes all the towels in the house. The only thing I've asked her to do is vacuum all floors once a week.


Now some of the not so good--not sure if you recall but we had an issue awhile ago about the bottles. She thought micro was fine, I asked her not too, she continued. I still to this day thinks she still does it. I decided it wasn't a battle I wanted to search for a new nanny over.  About a month ago we had another issue about her wanting to take additional time off, in addition to my paid time off. She just said not to pay her for those days. Yes, that's fine, but I still need to go to work and would have to find someone else.  When I brought the issue up to her, she reacted just like she did w/ the bottles. She got defensive, stopped listening almost immediately, and left in a huff.  I brought it up again that next monday and told her we needed to figure out i..e was there additional time she needed, when, etc.. Got over that hurdle.
After that, and most recently, she told me she needed to get a 3rd job.  She works for me during the week and cleans houses on saturday.  Her a/c broke and she needs more money. SO, she normally leaves my house early on Wednesday to keep her around 45 hours/week--at 2:30 one day, 3:00 next week (due to a telecon I have every other week).  She told me could get another cleaning job, but it was Wed and she would have to leave at 2:30.  I wasn't so sure, but decided that I didn't want her working 7 days/week (other option was for her to work on sunday) and said yes.
Heard the term no good deed goes unpunished? That's how I feel....now I'm pretty upset because I get home today from grocery store at 2:30 (like I was told she needed to leave by) and she is racing out the front door. I get to the kitchen and she had written a note in the book and says she needs to leave at 2:00 every wednesday.  I'm pretty upset because a) she didn't even ask if this was ok b) didn't tell me ahead of time and c) I feel like she wasn't honest w/ me.  I don't imagine just today she knew she needed to leave at that time.

In addition--
Something in the background is sometimes she asks for the car seat. She said she forgets her lunch and wants to go out, or wants to go to ta.r.ge.t. I am uncomfortable w/ this because it's not for my baby, it's for her to do errands. I haven't brought this up yet, I wanted to see how much she actually wants to do this.
Another nitpicky thing is our book. I ask her to log sleep/eat/and activity every day.  She doesn't always put everything down. As an example she told me baby ate a ch.ee.t.o. That's fine, but write it in the book.  She gave her fruit juice at the restaurant and the only reason I knew is because it was all over baby's shirt. I had to text and ask what it was.  Then I said I want her to put everything in the book.  Sure enough.....just today she was given prune juice, but not written in the book. 
Another example is I've told her if she gives her a bath to write it in the book. Ummm, not written in book, she may just tell me, or not.

In summary: wants to do things her way, hard to communicate with about sensitive topics, pushes boundaries, doesn't always follow through when I specifically ask her to do something, and now wants to leave even earlier on Wed w/out asking ahead of time, or how it should impact her pay.

I'm just not even sure what to do now.

I've bounced some of these issues off of my coworker who has an au pair. She said she deals w/ none of this.  She thinks its because hers are younger and seem to do exactly what you ask, versus me who has a mom who has 'been there done that' and knows better.

I've got a note into my network about other word of mouth referrals for nannies or daycares. For my own stress level, nanny would be best......but just not sure where to even go. The agencies charge a ridiculous fee and the websites for care haven't been good at all.

Oy.......

At least I can give a pic of my smiling, awesome, amazing, baby girl.....

Support Envy

It's time to write about something that's been bothering me lately. Support envy.

I was watching a stupid reality show last night and when the girl was going in for her ultrasound she had her two sisters there and her mother. They were all rooting for her and so excited. All were in smiles.  I think back to a lot of the experiences w/ my pregnancy and a lot was by myself....when I first tested and got the positive on the stick, finding out for sure from the Dr. office, my first ultrasound, my water breaking at 1-ish in the morning, driving to the hospital, being there by myself until my friend could get there from out of town.
It just would have been nice to have someone by my side throughout.....and not just on the phone. 

It's more around wanting to be able to rely on someone else sometimes.  I have said before and I'll say it again.....I have wonderful, amazing friends. They are there for me in ways that my family has not been.  However, a lot of my close friends don't live in my city anymore.  Phone support is incredible, but I would also just love to be able to drive over when having a rough time. Park it and have them help me and the baby.

I also envy those w/ husbands at the moment. Just someone to share the daily joys of what baby does, and pick up doing some things around here.

I also had a friend who recently went home for the weekend.  That's not really an option for me anymore....my childhood home is sold, I'm not close w/ my Dad....I could go to my sisters, but I guess it really isn't the location, it's more a feeling.  When I think of 'home' it used to be so soul-fulfilling to see my mom and just know that I would be taken care of.  She'd cook, give me the best hugs, just a sense of peace being around people who've known you your whole life.
I just miss that 'home' feeling.  And know there isn't a way to get it back....at least what it was before.

I'm doing the best job I can, and frankly think I'm doing really well as a mom.  I give her such positive energy,  many smiles, hugs, I love you's, attention, get on the floor playing.....I may get irritated, but I do not yell at her or direct any negativity her way. I LOVE this girl w/ all my heart. But sometimes my needs still surface and perhaps I just don't know how to fill that void of family and physical support.  I can't recreate my 'home' and how it used to be and make me feel.
And it makes me sad.  And a little lump of stress when I think that it is all on me. My well-being as well as my baby girls.

Not sure why all these feelings are churning around.  Perhaps it is still being tired. I took a half a day vacation this morning after this weekend.  By Sunday night I am whipped. So this morning once nanny got here, I just laid in bed from 8-12. Seriously. Slept on and off.  That's what I use vacation for these days.

I suppose all of this is normal to feel. But part of my thinks being a single mom by choice might be easier w/ family close by, or having met Mr. right, or having a lot of friends w/ kids, or going through pregnancy w/ someone going through at the same time.....or having more friends living close by.

Not sure. Open to how other's deal w/ these types of feelings....