Graduations and Start of Summer '26!

It's not even been a month since the last day of school (May 21) and I feel like it's been forever. I feel like so much has happened in the last several weeks that end of school seems a distant memory already.

To round out our school year end of 5th and end of 8th, all of the year end activities went off quite well with a few small hiccups--my girl at first refused to go to her end of year awards banquet. Basically came in the door, collapsed on my bed and said, No, she's not going. I knew she was exhausted, I totally get that feeling of dread when you just don't want to move...but I didn't want her to regret not going. I tried everything in my back pocket to convince her without demanding she go. Like...hey, all your friends will be there, we can leave after you get your award, you might regret not going, told her it was important to me, bribed her with saying she can have a cookie, money....I even called Amy to ask for advice, googled what should I do? Ultimately the clock kept ticking and I ended up having to demand that she go.  She finally conceded and said she'd go since I "forced" her to.  There are very few things I force my kids to do. In the grand scheme, most things aren't that important. I've let her stay home many a day from school when she says she just needs a break. I get it. So, I decided this one was important enough. Cost me 20 bucks and ice cream for her.....but turns out it went just fine. She got an award for high honor roll (AMAZING) I was so so proud of her and she reluctantly acknowledged she was glad she went.

The other hiccup--she also made not such a good choice on the day of my son's graduation. After school I was running to the store when my son calls and says sister wasn't home from the bus yet. She usually gets home at 4:40. I didn't think much of it because I thought I got a ping she was off the bus. As I was driving home he calls again and says she's still not there so I pull over and check. Seems the ping was that the bus was going to be late. I then check the bus app and it seems she didn't even get on which kicked up my concern. I decided to call Selina and see if she and my girl were together and thankfully they were. BUT, it wasn't to wait for the bus. Apparently my girl convinced Selina they should walk home from school. What the actual....The school is 3.2 miles from our house! Also, to walk home they'd have to go along very busy roads. I couldn't believe she would do that. We stayed on the phone so I could find them, pick them up enroute, and get home as quickly as we could. After dropping of Selina she asked me if I was mad? Uh, seriously? Yes I was furious. What made her think that was ok to do?...not even ask or call for a ride, they even had a phone for goodness sake. After the crazy wore down she realized it wasn't a good choice and apologized multiple times on the way to graduation. I thanked her for the apology and said we could move forward. She is going to make mistakes, she's a kid, it's ok.

My son's graduation was really well done. They had about 6-7 5th grade classes to go through, but had them all alphabetized to go up and get their Certificates of Completion. It went very smoothly. My son looked so so handsome in his sport coat, collared white button down, belt, khaki pants, and dress shoes. I was thankful he took this seriously and wanted to dress up, because even though they put out a dress up recommendation some knuckle head kids showed up in shorts/t-shirts. During the ceremony they called out the kids' names and 'Presidential Award' if they earned it. As they walked by they gave them the pin that went with it, their Certificate of Completion, plus a folder of all other awards earned. I was super proud that he did earn the Presidential Award, plus additional awards for Perfect Attendance (this one he was determined to do and I was hopeful he'd achieve it. It's pretty major and difficult to do, because they had to miss no school, couldn't even have an excused absence like Dr.'s appointments. I wish they would have announced this one too), a Level Up award, a Certificate of Achievement and Distinction for earning straight A's in all subjects throughout the entire 5th grade school year, a Certificate of Appreciation for serving as a member of the Morning Announcement Team, and a Certificate of Completion for completing the alpha mission to mars as a member of the aeronautics and space administration. I called it "Space Camp", and an award for Run Club was checked, but think they forgot to put it in the envelope. I'd say that was a super successful 5th grade year! Of course my son, as competitive as he is (and some perfectionist in there) noticed that one of his friends had a PE award checked on their envelope and he didn't. Even after all the awards he did get, he was upset he didn't earn that one. Sigh. 

That kicked off summer....and the first week was, shall we say, a 'transition'. That's a nice word for it. I don't know what happened but it was awful. They were non stop arguing all day and it would escalate at night. I had to resort back to splitting them up and giving 10 minute calm downs in their rooms. It was not fun...at all. So, I reached out to my girl's therapist and said we were changing up what we were going to do for her visit. I said I was sending both of them in, and could she help them sort through how we were going to manage through summer. I appreciated that she was flexible enough to switch gears and get the kids to come up with a plan. Here is what they agreed to--It's taped on our wall in the toy room/my bedroom/tv room. It has helped out for sure.

1. No physical hurting 2. Limit picking on each other 3. We will honor when we need a break in our room. 4. Use a spin wheel for conflict (riding bike first, etc) 5. Use safe words in situations

During the same time all that was happening, another chaotic issue came up with my sister. I was shocked that it was so soon since the last one, and unfortunately this time it was one of the worst. It all started on May 23rd when I called her that Saturday and texted a few times. By Sunday afternoon I hadn't heard anything from her for 48 hours so I texted and called her friend Kelly. I wasn't sure how much she was aware of my sister's issues (not much it turns out), so she agreed to go check on her in person on Sunday evening. Next thing I know I get a call from her saying they called 9.1.1. She puts the phone up to my sister and she was completely incoherent. She said they found her on the couch and she had abrasions and bruises on her neck, head, back, legs, etc..she had pills spilled out over the sink and counter, her house was a disaster. She got admitted to ICU and they did all kinds of testing and nothing showed up for signs of stroke, etc. They think she likely took a fall and she perhaps had a concussion as she was not able to communicate, her speech and thinking were impaired, and she was very agitated. They kept her in ICU overnight then transferred her to general floor. I was able to talk to the Dr. on general floor and he said they are going to keep her for another night because he doesn't think she's at baseline and doesn't have all her faculties. She was very angry and resistant to treatments, etc. Throughout all of this so many texts/phone calls/waiting for drs., etc.. and communicating with Kelly on the ground was fantastic--to have an ally there with someone who would actually DO something was something I've never experienced before in all the years my sister has had issues. It's just been me. She even went over to her house to take care of her cats, etc.. My brother is no help it's like talking to a wall. You would think since he's only over an hour away he'd jump in the car and go be with her in some capacity. Nope. I gave up on him helping in any way. 

So, on Monday I called to the hospital to actually speak with her and I was told they can't confirm she's there. Uh, what? Apparently she refused any and all communication--something she's never done before. Kelly even went to the hospital to see her and she refused. Kelly had told me the other day that when she told my sister she was going to call me she said noooo. So not knowing what next steps were I just waited, nothing I could do. Kelly then let me know on Tuesday that she was picking up my sister and taking her home. She wanted to take her to her house but my sister refused. I called Kelly later to see what happened on the ride home and my sister apparently was crying, feeling ashamed, upset, apologizing, etc..very emotional. Once home Kelly told her to text me, so I got a text from my sister on Tuesday at 12:14pm "I'm home now" and I responded "Ok". 

And that's the last communication we've had. Over 3 weeks now. I'm grappling with this....I'm usually the one that has to reach out after these issues and initiate the conversation about what happened, what are we going to do, how do we recover, etc.. and this time since she refused communication at the hospital and blocked me out--I just haven't reached out. And of course, neither has she. My angry side feels like this is her mess to clean up. My logical side is telling me that she's likely feeling ashamed, emotionally and physically she's in bad shape. 

But, something that became clear to me over these last 3 weeks is--her illnesses create a significant amount of worry and stress for me. This is the first in I don't know how many years I haven't communicated with her in this long.....and it feels lighter. I haven't had the worry about uh-oh, she didn't answer the phone. What's happening? Is everything ok? Will she answer next time? I've gone from talking with her every day or at least every other to nothing. I miss the connection, but I don't miss being enmeshed in it all. This is the first time in years I've taken a step back from it all. Maybe I was too involved?  For me, it's been like watching a train wreck coming, can't stop it, and I have to watch from the side. I have this sense of urgency like things need to get better, what can we do, how can we fix this, what should we do next? and I feel like no one else carries this load. Well, they don't. She's not involved other people in all these years so I truly have been isolated and the one seeing at all happen. And really the only one that is trying to help, make things better. I realized this when for the first time having Kelly I actually had HELP! Someone to talk to the doctors, someone to take care of something without me asking. I had an ally for the first time. And it was relieving. Talking to someone who 'got it' and realized there are significant issues. I felt like screaming YES!

But where do I go from here?  In the short term, I'm going to just stay quiet. Let some time pass.....I do worry that she'll feel like she has nobody and might go downhill worse...but I think the biggest realization I have had is...I can't fix things for her. No matter how much research, how badly I want her to get better, I can't do it, or do it for her. Maybe it's this helpless feeling that has kept me driven to keep trying and trying and trying...just maybe.....and keeping up hope.

And now, back to the reality of parenting and picking up the kids from vacation bible school. Got to jump in the shower. My girl has already done her sleep away camp, next week is basketball for my son and volunteering at a camp for my girl. I'll have to make a decision about the midwest travel plans, it was supposed to be the week after that...but I think I'm there about cancelling them for this year.

This post was about some tough issues, but I still feel hopeful about having a good summer and continuing progress on my renovation!

Endings and New Beginnings

Today starts the last week of school, they finish up on Thursday 1/2 day. I always say wow, already? It just sneaks up on me every year. I've been planning and preparing for summer, but we are really just days away now. 

The Endings: 

--It's the end of an era.....me having children in elementary school. I'm a bit sad, wistful about it for sure. But, my son has matured and grown so much over the last few years that he is ready to move up. He'll start growing and changing and not be my little boy anymore (physically anyway). The changes I saw in my girl over the 3 years in middle school was astounding. I expect the same for him.

-- The end of middle school for my daughter--she'll start high school in the Fall. Of course I'm a bit nervous about this one as we haven't heard anything about a parent and/or child orientation. I think I'd feel a bit better if I knew something was coming to welcome us in. Also, the building is HUGE. There's about 3,000 kids that go to it. Both of them will go from being the big fish now to being the new kids on campus this Fall.

--The wood flooring in our house is seeing it's last day. They started demo this morning. Once that is done I am really ready to get the new floor delivered hopefully be end of next week. Then it needs to acclimate, then install....then finally onto cabinetry, counters, painting, etc. just ready to be done.

--Elaine passed away a few months ago in her sleep.  She was the mom of the 3 girls I went to elementary through high school with. I've written about her a few times on this blog. She was special to me because she was a tie to home, she was friends with my mom, and she was a mother figure to me all these years. She made sure to reach out on birthdays/holidays, texted regularly, we met up in person a few years ago at my 4th grade teacher's farm (Elaine retired to Arizona/Missouri)--she let us know we were loved. I will miss her. 

The Beginnings:

--Discovering what has been contributing to my girl's major fatigue.  She has been complaining for a long time now about being sooo tired. I've noticed that she has been very lethargic after school and on weekends when she's not scheduled to do anything--just wants to lie down and do ipad or watch tv, has been crazy irritable in the evenings where my son can't do much and she'll snap at him to 'Stop'. And eating ice like crazy. This has been so unpleasant for me as I can't stand the sound of chewing loud things--I keep saying I have miso.phonia. Anyway we had gone to the new primary Dr. a few weeks ago initially because she had been having itching on her scalp. Not a big deal, but when we were at the new Dr. I explained that she also has been complaining of fatigue symptoms--I was worried it might be signs of depression. She said before we go down that road let's get her labs checked--hasn't been done in years and why I (or her old physician) didn't think to do it sooner I don't know.

Long story short her labs showed she has an iron.deficiency. Ferr.itin levels on the report shows normal levels between 14-79 and hers is 7. She is not actually anemic though as her hemo.globin was normal. It was such an AHA when I read some of the symptoms: extreme fatigue, eating ice, brain fog, poor memory, irritability are all in there.

AND, she also has a Vitamin D In.sufficiency. Normal range is 30-100 and hers is 23. Some symptoms of that is: fatigue, mood changes, frequent illnesses. She gets sick way more than her brother now.

So like yes, this poor kid has been suffering with both of these issues for who knows how long??? As a mom, I'm frustrated that I didn't think to get labs done much much sooner. And frustrated that her other primary didn't either..why?? She's likely been feeling like crap for a long time but because that's her norm, she doesn't realize how bad she feels. She just keeps pushing through all of her activities. 

In following up with the Dr. said she needs to to start supplements for both iron and vit D and we will recheck her in 3 months during her well visit. I will be waiting to find out if the supplements make a difference and how much of one.

--First time working out at the gym with my son and he loves it. 

I finally decided to join back up to a gym (been thinking about it for months) because I just prefer being inside sweating than outside. I'm comfortable there because I've spent a lot of my years in gyms with sports, lifting weights, cardio, etc.. and I actually like going. So a few days ago I signed up at the y for a family membership because I learned that kids age 10+ can go to certain areas too if they are with an adult. This was major because I've always wanted to take the kids and just go.  This past Saturday my daughter was on a waterpark field trip all day and I suggested he and I go.  When we got there he wanted me to show him around the place (it's huge) and then show him all of the cardio and lifting equipment he can use. When it was time to work out I let him choose what he wanted to do--he chose the sit down bike. We both did that for 10-15 minutes and he, of course, was putting it on a crazy high level...but was keeping up so I just let him. Then, he chose the treadmill....I always worry he'll fall off but he was fine. Then he wanted to try an upper body machine--we did chest press...then we did some free weights, then stretch. We were there way over an hour.  What I really liked was he was so interested in learning all about it and was open to me teaching him what I knew along the way. I surprised myself by how much I actually do know about lifting techniques, tips for workouts, etc. I showed him how this machine worked, what machines are for cardio, etc. It was so...much...fun! Sharing with him something I've learned and done for so many years. It seems the love of fitness (I do love it, just haven't done it) has passed on because he's SO into it. He wanted to go the next day and kept talking about making a schedule etc.. Last night he pulled out his whiteboard and made himself a "Being Healthy" plan including how much strength training to do, how to split up arms and legs and cardio, things to focus on while eating, etc.. He said he doesn't need to be on a diet (thank god), but he wants to eat a fruit or vegetable at lunch/dinner.  Even this morning he was asking about the next time we can go.

It was really impressive how quickly he took the idea of working out at the gym and made himself a plan. It's all new, of course, so I hope this doesn't fade.

And here's the best part--I struggle being self motivated at times. Perfect example is just not signing up to the gym. Why not? I've got the time.....and just haven't done it.  But now that I've got the kids to go with me and someone who will constantly ask to go?? Brilliant. Win Win. 

My daughter may take some time to come around because I've mentioned signing the family up and she's been like...eh, whatever. But at least last night she said she'll try it next time we go.  We can make it a family thing! I hope she'll really like it. Plus, at 13 she doesn't need supervision for anything and she's been taught a lot already from her time in Jr. High athletics and sports.

I'm so excited!!

--Summer. This week winds down the year with my daughter's end of year awards ceremony Tuesday night, then my son's 5th grade elementary graduation Wednesday night, a clap out for him at 9:30am on Thursday and swim party 5-8 that night.

Then.

Summer Begins!

April '26

I couldn't come up with a clever title, so April it is.

To finish out the situation with my sister, I did end up speaking with her and she didn't remember and doesn't know what happened. I texted with a friend of hers who was with her two days before on that Friday and she mentioned she had concerns about her driving even then. So, likely things were brewing for a few days before. I suspect what happened is something happened with her blood pressure due to whatever reason--not taking BP meds, adding migraine meds, unknown BP issue, etc..  and that was the result.  The question then became what do I do?  I let things settle a bit and treaded lightly when I first spoke to her, but then about week went by and I said I think we need to go back to her counselor together. She said we could if I thought we needed to, then I told her what I was thinking about all this and yes, yes we do. The session went okay in that I was very clear with my concerns and that we need a plan. I also heard how terribly she is feeling for what happened, how rough of a mental and physical place she is in. I also realized that she isn't handling well at all me processing my feelings with her i.e. showing anger, frustration, etc.. so I committed to trying to process my emotions before communicating with her. At this point, she just can't handle it. Also, another action item is I brought up to her that her estate and everything surrounding it is not in check and organized if something were to happen. It was a big Aha for her and she agreed to work on lining that out. I've got a template that I used that I'll send to her. We are back to talking and back to me helping her keep her system and payments updated in her work system.

Things around here are picking up for end of year activities. My daughter has a theater banquet (had to buy dress and send in baby pics), an end of year 'fancy' dance (that we needed another dress-cocktail this time and send in baby, 5th, and 8th pics), and going to the high school for the sports round up. For what sport you might ask? She said she didn't want to go out for sports. This one is a doozy--she came to me a few weeks ago and said she wants to go out for girls wrestling. What in the holy heck, for real? She's never done it, knows nothing about it, but wants to do it. Apparently one of her theater friends now in HS does it and sold it really well during her JR high info session. My first reaction was heck to the no. No. and No. I was like Babe--the sweat, the physical contact, the pressure...really?! Then I started researching and asked a ton of questions to her friend at the round up. I've committed to letting her do the 3 weeks of Spring practice which will allow her to try it, then assess. Oh boy.

She's also surprised me lately with picking me a flower on the way home from the bus or a bike ride. It's really sweet because while she's not super verbal expressing herself, she shows her love more in her actions. I appreciate it a lot. Especially comparing it to the latest 'game' in our house about touching each other and who can be the last to do it. My son touches her, she screams "Don't touch me!" and smacks him, touches him, then he does it to her again....and so on and so on.....so most every night right before bed I hear "Stop" "Don't touch meeeeeee!!" Running....running....screaming. Just what they need right before bed. Sigh. My son loves it because he can wind her up so easily with then but gets mad when she's the last to touch him.  Oy Vey.

He certainly is mischievous...I don't remember what he did exactly (maybe steal my Easter jelly beans, continuously provoke his sister), but I was frustrated. I gave myself a minute in the bedroom and when I opened the door he had made a trail of building sticks...ending in this. If this kid weren't so charming...

He's also winding down his year with soccer, state testing (well, they both are doing this), and he has a 5th grade graduation this year. They are actually doing a whole ceremony at the high school in the evening. When my girl graduated they had a small ceremony during the day at the elementary school. He decided he wanted to reaallly dress up so of course, that meant shopping.  Over time I've learned that if we all go they need to be fed, and a reward for good behavior afterwards does help. Some. He had a clear vision of what he wanted--a sport coat, white shirt, khaki pants, and dress shoes. Let me tell you when he tried on several items in the dressing room he looked so handsome...I've never seen him in a sport jacket. I ended up ordering all the items so I could use my coupon (the kids make fun of me for using coupons but when I tell them how much money I save, they are starting to get it). When it all came he tried the full outfit on and he looked--amazing, so grown up. He's wearing a belt for the first time also, so that's a big deal. Big change from athletic shorts and all dry fit shirts.

There are also times when they DO get along really well and decide to go on bike rides together and a few times they decided to study outside on the lawn together. It makes my mama heart happy to see this. Pretty soon it's going to be boiling hot, so they've totally taken advantage of being outdoors lately. They've discovered bike trails so since about December they've been doing a ton of biking. So much so that I've had to get multiple flat tires fixed. 

And me. It's been a bit up and down....I'll have a spurt of energy and push forward with the renovation. Then some days it seems so overwhelming I just don't want to look at any of it or decide one more thing.  The last few months have been spent getting samples, researching construction of materials, deciding on material. And once material decided (wood), then the specifics about the material--white oak, how thick? What core? How wide? So. Many. Decisions. About everything. Honestly in the last few months the drag has been all due to me. My over analyzing is causing a lot of delay. BUT, today I reached out to a vendor to order the wood. Once that is finally done and ordered it will be here in 3-4 weeks.

I'm proud of myself that I already have my summer calendar printed and things being filled in. Paying for camps, being in line online for the minute the outdoor learning center camp opened for my son so we could get a spot. They were full within 3 minutes. But we got it!  Still deciding about trip to midwest. We went to my sister's last year during July and then drove to my cousin's. I haven't told anyone I already booked the flights BUT....Im waiting to see how things continue to go with my sister before truly deciding and confirming with everyone. I can always cancel.

Here's to a busy upcoming May and then....summer break!

Again

I've talked about my sister on this blog over the years and there have been many challenges. Emotionally, physically, mentally, etc.. and I keep hoping that things will improve somehow. I think I'm coming to the realization that things may not improve, there will be issues....consistently....and this may just be the way it is. Not sure how much time will go between major traumatic thing to the next.

This morning I'm sitting here with my thoughts spinning, not really sure what to think. 

About 8:30pm last night I looked at my phone and realized I had 7 missed calls and a voicemail and a text. The voicemail was from an ER Social Worker and the text was from a police Sheriff. After talking with both the ER and the Sheriff, I learned that she apparently was driving erratically about 1.5 hours from her home heading towards the specialist hospital (backstory she has been going to this specialist hospital in another state. She did have a procedure scheduled for Tuesday, but my brother was supposed to drive her today). The police said they were called about an erratic driver, ambulance came, she went to ER. The ER social worker initially said she was confused, maybe stroke. A few hours after that around 11:30pm I was able to talk the ER DR and he said she had very high blood pressure, but scans did not show evidence of a stroke.  I then called back up there today and the ICU nurse said she is fully alert/stable and they will be moving her to a less critical care unit this afternoon.

So what happened? I still have no idea. Last night after learning she was found confused, not coherent, etc. I wondered right away did she self medicate with her migraine medication, maybe not take her blood pressure med, and either one or the other or both caused her to be confused and erratic. I called my brother last night as well and he wondered the same thing. We've both seen her have confusion, slurring, not knowing what day it was, etc..after she's taken that med, but not to the degree that she left the house (that we know of). I asked the ER Dr and the nurse last night could this have been medication related. Dr. said its possible, but they wouldn't test for that, and if they did, those tests take awhile to come back.

So here I sit processing all of this in real time. I haven't spoken to her, she didn't take cell phone with her. They don't have phones in ICU rooms. I'm concerned, I have so many questions, I'm feeling upset wondering if this was all due to her self-medicating, but leaving space for maybe medically something happened to spike her blood pressure so high, apparently it was like 220/110. Was her confusion due to the med/blood pressure/combination or both? Will I get the truth from her, will she remember? 

What's next? I'll call back up later this afternoon after she's been transferred to see if I can speak with her. I'll get to tell her that the sheriff said she did damage her car and they had it towed to a lot. Since I work with her business and can get in her system I at least was able to reach out to those she had appointments with today and let them know it was cancelled. My brother will decide about driving up there after we hear about the plan this afternoon.  

After things settle, we are going to have to make some sort of plan going forward about what to do in these emergencies. Last time there was a major medical issue and we couldn't get in touch with her, I said no more. She agreed to have a close by friend have a key and that she would be the local contact. That was months ago, I reminded her several times, but she never followed up with the friend.

I don't think she has any idea what it's like being on this side of things. Throughout all of her struggles. It's been a lot over the years....

Still Goin'

Turns out I did cut off a bit of fabric from that sofa. Funny thing, it's actually now just sitting in our backyard. It's so heavy that the contractor who moved all of our other furniture into the garage just put that sofa there saying they'd come back w/ dollys to move. Yup. Still sitting there.

Here are some pictures of 'progress'.  Well okay there's been some. I made a decision to get all the ceilings scraped from that heavy texture in Jan and yes, it looks really good. I decided to sand the floors--I've had samples down since Sept. However, after finally making the decision the guys came to take a pass w/ the sander and oops....there's not enough wear layer left to sand it. Oof. Now I have to replace the whole floor that has that wood (about 1,000 sq ft). What I'm a little bothered by is, why didn't the contractor who sanded it back in Sept try other areas to make sure it was a possibility?? He was so confident that I just went along and agonized for months about the stain color, having him come back and put other options down etc,, paying for them to do that......when if they had just checked back in Sept, I wouldn't now be in February almost March ripping out all of our floors. BIG SIGH. Then that also leads to having to choose a new floor--tile, replace w/ wood, or vinyl?  I spent countless hours researching, getting samples, walking on the neighbors newly install wood look tile barefoot and I keep coming back to wood. I love it. It's timeless. It's classic. No nasty grout and no plastic throw away floor. Yes, we have to be more careful but I think if I get white oak, width less than 5", and thicker than I had before I will correct all the things I didn't like about the current orange one. It's about 1000 sq ft that we have to do.

Now.
We are eating off of that card table. You can see my induction plate on top of it.

In January when they emptied everything to the garage and re-did the ceilings

What it looked like since June '25 (sans tree) until Jan '26

This has turned out to be a long marathon, not a sprint.  One step forward, two steps back. I'm basically my own contractor and it's not been easy getting the right people and coordinating it all, AND making decisions. No idea how much longer. Next step is rip out floor and replace w/ whatever I decide, then go from there with carpentry, counters, backsplash, paint, appliance install.

I mentioned in my last post about things changing, are they ever.....I'm realizing that the span of my control over the kids is slowly slipping out of my hands. What I mean by that is, for example, all my girls' friends except Macy have phones. They are now watching whatever they want on those things and I have no influence over what they look up. When they go to friends' houses, their friends have older siblings...with older siblings and widened scope comes a newfound sense of what they joke about. Things have taken a turn and jokes about cucumbers and farting and inappropriate noises have all invaded our house. Now, let's be real the kids have always thought toots were funny, but now, my son decides to make a whole production out of it and will come bend over right by my face if I'm laying down and let it go. Can't stop there, nope. He then turns around and makes a windmill with his arm. I feel like it's daily. Every day. And the slang. o m g my son was in the backseat with his friends and all I heard was bet. you are cooked. that's cap. the other day something was bun buns. (bad). They are learning all this from their friends and school and you tube kids. I don't even let them watch regular you tube, but thanks to the friends and school, yeah. Moving on to teenager crap.

My son had a proud moment....at school they have this aerospace program. It's several weeks of afterschool, then it culminates into a sleep over AT the school, this year it was Feb 20. I kept telling him he had to go to space class after school. In order to get selected you had to write an essay. There were 75 applications, 12 boy spots, 12 girls spots and he was chosen!~ We opened his letter saying yes together, so pumped. So fun.  But, one of the things we had to do at home was create a helmet out of paper mache and a space pack. Thank goodness for friends in the class because he did the paper mache elsewhere-sooo not my strength, but we did end up making the space pack from cardboard, paint, leftover material in a vacuum box, a plastic watter bottle, a left over backpack for straps we got from James, and used batteries. We've never really had to "do" school projects at home all these years. It was a bit stressful getting it done on time, went right up until Thursday night, but it worked. We made a good team having to use all that duct tape. He's finishing up basketball season right now....terrible record, 0-6, but they actually won their tournament game so he plays tonight. AND soccer already started this week so we are juggling the first practice for that yesterday, first game tomorrow in between what my girl has going on w/ basketball end of season tournament and theater show tonight and tomorrow. Whew.

I actually had a hand in us actually getting a soccer team this spring. His Fall coach doesn't do it in the spring. So, unless our team finds a coach, they don't get to play. Last season I stayed in touch w/ a few Dads and reached out to 'suggest' if 3 of them work together perhaps they can manage it. And, they agreed! So, I agreed to be team mom. I've never volunteered for any of this stuff. I feel like it's enough to get them to all the practices and games, but this time part of the deal was I would help. SO, I'm going to be the one chasing parents to sign up for snacks, get all the games/practices put in the app, send out comms, etc.. I don't mind it, it'll be just fine. I'm proud of myself for helping to make it all work out for everyone.

My girl....oh this poor kid. She's just burnt out, exhausted, and needs some time to recover. She's been running ragged with the basketball season overlapping the theater season. At times she had to choose practice or rehearsal, all the while keeping up with school. We just went through the 'choosing HS courses' and I wasn't even remotely prepared for what that entailed. It's almost like you have to decide what you think you want to be, then work backwards. We even had to call our neighbor who works in the school system to help us focus on what we actually should do, what courses actually make sense, and it's not quite finalized. Oh yea, my son had to choose his middle school fine arts course (that's their only need to choose) and we are going to have a band kid. For my girl, how does a 13 year old know what they want to be?? She has talked about being a special needs teacher, then recently she's talked about being a pediatric occupational therapist. The mom of her friend Parker, who lost their son recently, told us that being a spec. needs teacher is super hard and there's a lot of burnout she's seen firsthand. Our neighbor (who is the teacher) said yah, you can always be a teacher, so maybe focus on the therapist. Anyway, we had to get straight should she continue in the advanced placement curriculum she is in (yes), should she take some additional AP courses (yes, 1), should she plan for some dual-credit courses too (yes, those in later years). They had us plan for all 4 years! of course changes can be made but man, we went from just choosing a fine art and 1 elective to a 4 year curriculum plan for highschool, it was a lot.

This is how I know she's burned out. She decided on her own she didn't want to do theater as her elective in HS. She's spent the last 3 years giving it her all---her time, her emotions, her energy, her dedication--and it has been just so much. Also, she isn't going to try out for sports in HS--no basketball or cross country. We have a pretty big HS--around 3,000 and we have 2 other jr highs that feed into it with us. She feels like the competition will be pretty fierce for BB with that big of a pool, and while she says she likes basketball, she doesn't love it like some kids do. I was a bit on the fence about this one because she could at least try.....but for right now, she doesn't want to. She can always change her mind. So, having said all of that w/ no theater and no sports, she will have school. AND, that may just be what she needs because there is a big step change with workload from JR high to HS from what I understand. She's used to being able to do all her homework most of the time at school. Only recently have I seen her get out her school chrome book and do assignments, etc.. The good thing is the school has a ton of clubs she can join like baking, crafting, etc.. Really!

One of the ways she started trying to decompress is taking long baths. It started maybe a few months ago. She'd get in the bath and after so long I'd yell Babe, are you ok? Yup. Not long ago she stayed in there for almost two hours. She does it before bedtime so it actually works out because they are split up, when if together they are normally snapping at each other because they are tired, and it gets stressful. I still try to get them off to bed around 8:30. Since moving to the back 4 bedrooms of our house (my son's room is the pantry), the kids have started both just heading to bed when I say it's time. That's changed too because it used to be I tucked in one, then the other. She also started asking to play music in there. She asked for a cd player for christmas, and in theater class her teacher exposed her to a musical that she loves....and I couldn't find it on cd for a good price yet because it's old, but she can access it on her school latpop. She'll sit in there just sitting, relaxing, listening.....I think it's a great coping tool to just let her body relax.....and her her mind. One last thing I've noticed her doing is getting a lot of hugs. I'll be in the rocking chair and she'll kneel in front of me and just lay across me, I can feel her heart beating on my stomach, and it's actually really great for me too. That contact can be so soothing. Sometimes I straighten out her shirt on her back exactly the way my mom used to do with me when I hugged her like that.

At least after this week/weekend we all get a break....my son's BB tournament game was Tuesday and they won, so he plays tonight (Friday) and if they win again, they play tomorrow (Saturday), he also had his first soccer practice yesterday (Thursday),  first soccer game tomorrow (Saturday). My girl had BB game Wed, BB Tournament game Thurs, theater show tonight at 7 where she's staying after school, its ending after cleanup around 9:00pm, and tomorrow 2 shows at 2 and 7 where she has to be there at 11:30am until 9:00pm ish again.

This is crazy week, but starting monday next week, we'll just have my son's soccer. His BB will be over, her BB is over, and the theater shows will be over too. Whew. Then we can kind of rest. sort of.

In my feelings

As I sit here I'm really in my feelings....what I mean by that is I've got all kinds of emotions, with some of them just really hard to describe.

Last night we went to the JR High for the incoming 6th Grade curriculum night for my son. My SON. Like literally how did we get here?  3 years ago when my daughter started 6th grade it was all new, big learning curve, lots of changes...but I think through that transition I've been comforted by the fact that I still had a kiddo in elementary--so, still had little kids. And now? It's all changing. (While we were walking around, we were meeting up with some of the teachers my girl had. For theater, I introduced my son to the director and said it was my girl's little brother....they look nothing alike but she attempted to say she could see 'some' resemblance. Uh, no haha). This is the 'hard to describe' feeling because my brain wasn't accepting that it's almost his turn to go there. Like something felt 'off' because we have always been at that school for my girl, not my son. And then of course this means its the last year I have a child in elementary. I've always struggled with transitions and changes. But this truly is hitting me like holy crap. We are totally entering a new phase--no more elementary. And right now I'm just talking about the elementary to middle school.....just wait until my girl is also starting high school this fall. I haven't even begun to process that yet. I think it's when I'm with that child at their new school that it starts to sink in.....

I know they don't stay little. I get it. It goes fast, enjoy it....I know I know. But there's been drastic change in my girl from 6th-8th grade. She is now 5'7" (still wants to be taller than me at 5'9"), and she went from a straight, long-limbed little kid to a curvy older kid right in front of my eyes. She looks so different from starting 6th to right now. And it's now about to happen for my son. He's currently 5'1", so he's not far behind. His head still fits under mine when we stand up and hug, but when that growth spurt hits.....

Maybe I just need to allow myself this moment to be unsettled and maybe a bit sad. The whole point of having children is to raise them right, support them, love them...I do all that. But the emotional part of all of the changes you go through with your kids as a parent, no stage have I really been prepared for. For me, it's a lot of hindsight, living through all of it...then sorting out my feelings upon reflection. When you are in the middle/day to day you just run. Then, once in a while things hit you like when my son gets on the bus and he's so big compared to the little girl in first that gets on with him. That I now walk past the baby/toddler/little kid/jr section of clothing at stores to get the the women's section for the medium my daughter wears now. And my son is on the verge of going past boys sizes at XL, 

Maybe I should have read more books about what to expect raising them. How my feelings would grow and change and adapt with the different stages we've lived so far. That there will be a lot of love mixed in with a lot of hilarious things, grinding days, exhausted moments, and all the things. Parenting is such a journey....I had no idea the bus I was getting on when I decided to have kids on my own. Maybe most people dont. I do know that I wouldn't change it. It's exactly what I want to be doing.

Ok, as a followup to Christmas my sister did make it. She really was sick for a few days. Emotionally it was ok for both of us. She recovered enough to go buy a car she desperately needed. I did feel like we got to step out of the rat race of practices, bus schedule, school work, etc. to just be. The kids went on a ton of bike rides and we just decompresed. Overall it was good. And now we are back in again....this past week my girl had 1 basketball game and 3 tournament games, my son had a game, she had theater, etc. etc. etc..

Something else I'm in my feels about is the remodel. I completely shut it down right before the holidays so we could just have some decorations and try to enjoy. After the holidays I've drug my feet some because change is hard--and I can't make a decision on a countertop material, whether to sand the floors, and how much of the ceiling to scrape and re-do. I think I've made some decisions for the ceiling but that entails the contractor completely emptying out our living area-- living room and temporary kitchen I've set up front. There's so much stuff. It entails us being on the verge of getting rid of our beat up sofa, the rust striped rug I've had since 2009, the yellow sofas, the dining bar height table with chairs that have the fake leather coming off, the coffee table I had in my first house. I just have a lot of emotions tied to some stuff...definitely with the sofa. I don't care that the stuffing is coming out and all the flecks of brown fabric keep coming off. I've had it since my daughter was born and it's held a whole childhood of two kids with sicknesses, my son's propped up broken leg, me laying on it when I'm nine months pregnant the night before giving birth to my son, football games, it's the background to many videos....just our lives. And when I look at that couch I feel those things and remember those things. I feel silly, but I also have tears running down my cheeks because it makes me sad thinking about getting rid of it.  Maybe I'll keep some of the beat up fabric.

Lots of emotions and thoughts.....I'll work through it, I always do. 

PS I do appreciate being able to check in on a few blogs I've been reading for years about similar aged kids. We all go through these things, I guess.

It's Xmas-ish

Due to the remodel going on at our house, I knew we weren't going to do much for Christmas decorations--if any at all. I wasn't sure if the plan was still to scrape all the texture from the ceiling, because if that was the case, it made no sense to get everything out. But, my girl wanted at least something so several weeks ago she put up our little 2 ft Christmas tree and put some beads on it. That was the extent of our decorations for awhile. But even I had to say it really didn't seem like enough, and felt like womp womp....SO, this past weekend we all decided we just needed to put our 10 ft tall christmas tree up. We drug it out from the garage in it's red bag, cleared out the space it normally sits in our living room, and got out the ladder to put on the lights. I said absolutely no to ornaments, but since my girl was in the boxes, she also found our stockings, the nativity set, a few christmas figurines, and even Peppermint our elf made a visit. We also hung on our TV entertainment center the cards we got in the mail (which we used to hang on the mantle of the fireplace we don't have anymore replaced with a plastic barrier going across the entire room). 

And NOW, it feels much better and more holiday-ish.

Today is already December 23 and Xmas Eve is tomorrow. I've been working on gift searching and buying for months--I still keep my spreadsheet of everyone and everything, which makes it so much easier to keep track of it all. AND,  I'm SO proud of myself that I was done shopping AND wrapping last Wednesday the 17th-a new record. I was always waiting until Xmas eve to wrap gifts and that just made it so stressful...so, I stopped doing it. And I again outsourced my sister's gift wrapping to my girl.

The holiday itself: we are off to a bumpy start....we decided to have my sister fly down here on the 23-27 using her miles. I tried to call her about plans on Sunday/ all day Monday (yesterday) but silence. Right before a trip is not the time. She finally texted back yesterday some garbled message and 'sick'....so I texted do we need to change or cancel the flight? and she texted back no. Then I got a text this morning that she of course missed her flight and would be arriving 3hours later...right during rush hour. I have lots of thoughts and feelings about this and I'm trying to manage my frustration, disappointment, and annoyance about it all feeling like, 'here we go again'.....I suspect it may not go well when I tell her I'll pay for an U ber to bring her here because it will take over 2 hours round trip to go get her now. I'm just going to take a deep breath and hope for the best. But, I don't even have a dinner planned yet so likely we will order x mas eve dinner from somewhere and just pick it up. It's not like I have a kitchen to cook in anyway.

My hope and intention over the holidays is to have some peace, minimal arguing between everyone since the kids--mostly my son--have ratcheted up already with the provoking, screaming, chasing, etc..and some good moments. I think that's doable.

Happy holidays to all.